There are moments when you start to feel nothing, I always feel like I’m not that much sensitive. I’m way more neutral, bad situations never forced me to take action. No bad thing happened to me forced me to take action to go forward. Is this some kind of bad state?
I can think of situations, where people around me will be very angry or feel insulted if they go through the situation I go through. But it never haunted me, I don’t feel insulted that much. I never think being like this is a good character, it may be a chance for the person in the opposite to dominate over us if we don’t react.
But there’s also another side to how things work there, why I have to make a move if I don’t feel bad. I only have to take action only when I feel bad. My actions were never about acting against something, it was more about leaving that stage. Leaving the scenario, that’s the thing that always stays in mind. “I’m not a tree, I can move”. This always gives me the strength to go forward, So I wait for things to get worse and then I move.
Maybe these are just the philosophies just I build in my mind, there are may just the chemical inside my brain playing. So they just produce a good mood and I could even take the bad things nicely. So these will come to haunt me when I feel bad.
I failed a lot of times when I tried to play by rules, the rules I built to face the situations. Now I feel like more than these rules the better thing is having a better understanding of the things happening and view all these just as a viewer.
Even when writing these, my opinions are changing. They are switching between sides. They want me to feel both good and bad. I want the relaxed state forever and do things that way. But I know this s won’t last forever, even the next morning I will be the one waking up with regrets. So controlling these are not that much of a big option. It’s regrets and confusions that haunt me.
What are the things that make one feel bad? One who fails to express what he feels, or his over expectations how people will react that. These are just the situations that generally hurts me every day. They need not be true for everyone. It’s more like setting up expectations very early even before the actual event, these expectations accumulate and it will end up in turmoil when things happen just the opposite.
It’s always the effort for being an ideal perfect person, I have to understand that it is not possible. At the same time I have to find ways to solve these problems realistically, most of the time the problem I will be thinking about will be happening inside my mind. All I have to do is just solve the chaos inside, what are the ways for that. Maybe my basics aren’t right. Like I am thinking about solving a problem where I am standing on a sinking ship.
Maybe nothing about my thought isn’t right, like staying inside an imaginary world I’m addicted to. And trying to solve the imaginary problem of this world. So the first step is to step outside of the imaginary world. When I will get out of it, there will be changes. These little chaotic thoughts will turn into things that I don’t even care about. Or I will be a part of all of this world, my world will become big.
When there is a broad view of things, these little problems that are close will become farther. So the way is to expand the world in all aspects. Be a person of all world, that will give sadness of bigger problems, which are worth solving and more realistic.
Do you find that sometimes, you are moving away from something, rather than toward something?
The problem I think with this would be that it isn't a choice about what we want, it is forced by what we don't want. This means that we are essentially going to end up, where we are chased to go - which is often corralled and controlled.
yeah it's the pressure that comes from what we don't want. It drives us.