Hello guys! How are you all doing? I hope you guys are doing well. I really do!
As you guys know I sometimes draw to let my emotions out and I am not very comfortable posting about them. Eventually, few of those illustrations are left never to be seen except for my bestie. She is exceptional. She is my lucky charm in my own world. I also know that she has her own world to live so I keep most of my thoughts and emotions to myself. Sometimes it's too much so I write about them or draw them. Of all those illustrations, this one was my darkest one.
I shared this illustration with my bestie before. She saw it on the positive side as balloons and happiness but I never told her what my thoughts were going on when I was doing this illustration. I never changed her views on this. After all, that positive side of her is what the ‘lucky charm’ is in my life. It’s what keeps my hope in living. I did this art when I was at my lowest. When I mean lowest, I mean suicidal.
That is not something I am proud to reveal to you guys. I am doing this post today because she kept on asking why I won’t write about this art. That’s when I told her about it. Writing a post about this is like reopening the wounds that I have stitched up. Then I thought about you guys.
There might be someone out there who is going or went through something like this or felt like this. So I decide to write about it. It’s not like I woke up and thought of writing on it. It took me a while but now I am here to talk about it. Honestly, I am pathetic, dumb, and a coward. I am dumb because I can’t even complete a simple senior high education and can’t understand deeper meanings in a conversation or be clever enough to make some success in life which makes me a pathetic person. I can’t even keep up normal socialization like others and after all this, I wonder why I am still living or why do I even exist.
My existence here has no meaning or worth then why live? After all these thoughts running through my mind, I still have the nerve to have fear of death. The coward I am! Yes, I am scared of talking to someone, scared of disobeying my mother, scared of letting go, scared of letting my family down, scared of making failure, and so on.
It keeps going and going. Even though the fears that I have is pathetic, I still fear them. My mind spins round and round with words like “how pathetic I am!”, “What a coward I am!” or “how dumb or stupid I am!”. While my mom nags me with the remainder of it. I wish I could scream and say to her, “yes I am those! Now what do you expect me to do? Kill myself?”.
Sometimes my mom would speak words that make me lose hope of living. Those words hurt me a lot. Words like “I never wanted you!”, “I wish you were never born!” or “why are you still alive? Why don’t you just kill yourself!”. I wish I could tell her that I want to but I am scared of death. The only thing that’s holding me at the edge is fear.
Of all this chaos going on in my life, I can’t reveal them to the world. I can’t show them. I don’t want to show them. They will hate me. They won’t want me. In this mist of fear, I decided to put on the amazing and happy mask while I choke on them floating in the air without any safety. I think that’s enough talking for me.
I don’t know if this post will do any favor to anyone or not. I just wanted to tell you this because someone out there might be feeling like this and I want them to know that they are not alone. I know these feelings too.
Thank guys for reading this post today. For now, bye guys, see you guys in the next post. Please take care of yourself guys. Just want to let you guys know you are not worthless. You are just as worthy and important in someone’s life so keep living.