So...I just turned twenty-three. Another year down on the way towards oblivion for me, and I thought, why not write about that for a bit, see where my pen takes me. Besides, writing away in docs on my birthday night will give you a hindsight to how lifeless of a person I am. And this piece, it's gonna be as raw as it could get. (By that I mean this is highly unedited please excuse my poor grammar!!)
Where were we? Ahh yes, Birthdays…
I've never really been a big one for this thing. It’s just a day to remind people that they are only getting older. I don’t know why it should be a big deal, but in this world, birthdays are something to celebrate.
Now, I don’t know much about this 'celebrating' thing. I most of the time turn off my phone and take a leave from the virtual world when this day rolls around. I don’t like talking to people around this time, it sorta makes me cringe when I hear someone say "happy birthday!!" to me cause, I can't ever figure out just what to reply to them, so I always blurt out a "Happy birthday to you too!" like a clown…
So yeah, birthdays, not something I give much value to. But since the day has rolled around, I thought I'd try and make a list, to see how far I've come, how much I've learned and what things I still haven’t accomplished.
I have a diary with me which I wrote when I was going through my depressing suicidal period. I had this little entry written with a title called "Reasons to stay alive." It has been over six years since I wrote that. And I had listed a bunch of unfulfilled wishes I had in it. And today, when I opened it to take a look at it again, I found out I had ticked off a bunch of those wishes.
I had wanted a guitar five years ago. I now have one which I love to my death.
I wanted to learn how to bake. Well….I'm still very unsuccessful on that area 😅
I wanted to take a walk beside the sea at night, which I got to do around 2018.
I still haven’t gotten to go bungee jumping.
I still haven’t gotten myself a violin.
Still haven’t been to florence. (That's the dream!)
And although I still don't own a cat, there is one that stays in my building and I've pretty much unofficially adopted it, so that counts for something.
I wanted to watch my sister get married, and I did, this year.
So yeah, I think I did pretty good in terms of this bucket list thing. I still have a bunch more to tick off though.
But I did end up learning and doing things that I never thought I'd learn or get to do.
I got myself a flute. A very sexy looking one.
I managed to get an online degree in Creative Writing. (Is that coming in handy? You tell me?)
I won an art contest that was held in London.
I started digital art.
I learned web designing (what the hell bro…)
I fell in love.
So yeah..very astonishing achievements.
I guess this is how life works, in a way.
As it passes, it throws so many unexpected things towards you, and you find yourself growing through them. As long as you live, you experience and you learn; through yourself, through other people and through, life, I guess.
I still am the depressed little soul I was back then though. But I'll say that I'm a little less lost and a little more stable now. I'm not doing well. But I'm living. And that, for now, is enough.
If I could go and have a little chat with my six years younger self, then I'd tell them to just buckle down. I won’t tell them shits like "things will be alright soon." because honestly, things do not get better, it just gets bearable as time passes. I won’t tell them to be hopeful. Cause being hopeful only makes you feel like you haven’t done enough when things don’t work out.
I'll just tell them to be themselves. I'd tell them to stop waiting for the future to work things out for them. I'd tell them to stop moping and just pick up that book she had stopped reading and just get back to it. I'd tell her to read, write, smoke, sing and curse her heart out cause how dare life try and break her down?! She doesn’t owe anyone anything, and she should damn well stop feeling like she does.
So yeah, this is how things are going. And maybe things will just keep on going like that for the rest of my days…
To the me who is six years ahead,
I wish you're living as unapologetically as I want to live now. I want you to find a stable ground for yourself to walk on. Also not being as broke as you are now would be a big help, if you can manage that.
Ohh, and...stop being lazy you shithead!! You’ve got things to do!! Do those things, I dare you!!! Get your shit together and start working, you’ve got Florence waiting for you...
I suspected you would post something on hive this day, I also did on mine XD first I thought it was that "adultery" post but turns out I also wrote something very personal on my birthday XD the difference is no one understood XD
Anyway, I didn't expect you would go this raw here but also it felt nice to read something without all the covers :') and damn bro is it already been six years? How time flies huh? XD Back then you forced me to make that list remember? XD and now look at you, crossing off things that you've never thought you would achieve :'))
Stay alive, go Florence. :')
Hmm you posted something on your birthday?!? I must dig that one out to read...
And of course no one understood. People are ignorant egg, what can ya do? :')
And I did go raw didn’t I?!? XDDD talk about liquid courage.... Or in my case, nicotine courage XDDD too much smoking was involved last night. You missed it :')
Yeapp I remember forcing you to make one as well! Ahh, how young were we? :') go through your list as well, I'm sure you must have ticked something off XD
And I'll live. Let's meet at Florence someday, you and me. :')
Ahh.. Don't give me pain like this bitch XD Damn this Covid really. It ruined our smoking tradition :3 let's meet in September bro.. We will smoke every night away :')))
And I did go through my list after the reminder XD and looks like I could only cross two off, one of those to get CGPA 4 out of 4 once XDD how nerdy I can be XDD
And live bro Live, also live my part too.. XD
Florence is undoubtedly the big Dream...
If it's OK to call you sister then I'd put this expression this way
"I feel you sister"
Although I don't like talking much about myself, my flaws, my sins, my scars and all that, kinda why I try and hide my emotions in writing stories I'd just tag "fiction" when some might not be... You're impressively expressive and that's great, oh, I'm glad you found love, that should keep you going...
I MOST DEFINITELY DISLIKE BIRTHDAYS...
That day reminds me of how I was forcefully brought to this cruel world, not something I should celebrate, nah...
Congratulations on making it to 23, some people are like 5 years intervals to get there...
This part is so so me, most of the time. I also have a tendency to hide behind my words but once in a while, it does feel liberating to be open. When I write things like that, it's more writing towards myself than writing for others and sometimes, we need that.
And of course you can call me sister, I am a female 😅
Birthdays are just unnecessary to me. Like you, it also reminds me how I was brought into this world without my will or consent, and sometimes that pisses me off! 😅
Thank you for the congratulation. Florence is the big dream. I hope I get to see that city one day..
You'll get to see it, I got my fingers crossed for you 🤞🤸♂️
You'll be in Florence soon enough. :)
So you can do digital art, web design too! What else you have up your sleeve, eh?
I've always wanted to play the violin but never gotten around to it. Perhaps, I should order one and start playing.
It's good that you're working on your life and in a positive light. Life is not easy and it will always be bothersome one way or the other. But I believe it's important to achieve and acquire the little things you desire. Makes it a bit more tolerable.
Happy birthday to someone who doesn't like to be bothered by such nonsense.
That is the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me..:') Lemme just go and cry because of this now..
And my sleeves are officially empty! I got nothing else...I think? I can play the piano and base guitar as well, if that counts??
But web desinging is a pain bro!! Idk why I learned that. But next stop is web development for me..Pray for my ADHD soul...
You seriously SHOULD get a violin, though!! Please, do it! It’s the first instrument I fell in love with and it's still the one I don’t have...someday I will, I guess.
I won't say I'm a positive person. I just like being realistic, if that makes sense? I'm more of a masochist I think 😅 desiring things I don’t have is my way of coping XD
Also, thank you....
Happy Birthday to you too... :)
I need to make one too. Sometimes I feel lost and that can help a little bit.
Congrats on 23,
Best of luck with the remaining wishes of the list.
Stay alive, Florance is waiting for you. 😊
You should do it! Making a list like that sometimes gives you a clear view of what you want and what you don’t. It works like a motivation to move forward.
Thanks bro! And let's hope I make it to Florance someday :')
😌 I wish one day I can say these to myself too. One day when I do not feel burdened anymore. Alhamdulillah, You can look at yourself and say these, I've been trying for so long...but it feels like a neverending loophole of finding me...
Btw, out of the blue question, why Florence, if I may ask?
It took me a while to get where I am now, but I'm glad to be here. It's only when you learn to accept the past and understand that it's the past that has made you what you are now, that you can move forward.
I hope you reach the point you are aiming for. I'm rooting for you!!
Anf Florence is...love to me. I fell in love with the city after reading a book that had highlighted it in a way I've never seen it before.
I'm an art and history nerd, and florence ,especially the old city is filled with both of them. I want to get lost in Florence and never come back.
InnShaaAllah! May you fulfill your dreams, my heartfelt wishes are for you.