Today was a very strange series of events...
I woke up before everyone else and actually had a minute to myself -- which, already this is unheard of. So I decided to browse Facebook reels, and I came across one of a mother happily playing with her young daughter. The caption read, "I used to be all yellow."
Then it cut to the mother holding an urn: "Now I'm indigo..."
The daughter had unfortunately passed away from cancer, at only 4-years-old... Doctors found a tumor in her brain, they could not try to safely remove it, and after only a few short months, she was gone...
Now, my feed is (unfortunately) full of grief like this. I never like to use the word "enjoy," but for lack of a better word, I do enjoy exposing myself to these things. I'm a very empathetic person, but naturally ever since becoming a mother, my calling is towards babies and young children.
So, again, I have been exposed to hundreds of videos of pregnancy, infant, child loss videos, but only 2 children have had a lasting impact on me; Luna is the third now. These videos always find me during a relevant place in my life... Not only is our oldest daughter 3-years old, the same age that Luna was diagnosed with cancer... but they have the same dress, and even wore during the same age as well...
I always take these children as reminders, to always be eternally grateful for what we have, that God knows the answers and is always with us. The videos continue to haunt me the second I am always from the noise and have a moment of peace to myself, the day before Luna left telling her mother, "Mom, I love you so much... I love you so much... But now I'm sad..." My heart aches as I grieve with this mother not because I am a mother, but because her grief is a testament to how much she loved her daughter...
I feel like God in these moments, watching and sharing this unfathomable pain, yet having to patiently wait before You can share the Good News.
So during moments like this, I try to be mindful of that. I know that God gave me this video -- all of these signs, for a reason. I know He is making me vulnerable in order to make my heart more open. And after a slight panic attack while picking up our kids' toys, I finally said, "Okay, God. Whatever it is you're trying to get me to hear -- I'm listening."
The family and I went to the park after that, nothing eventful took place... But on the walk back, something piqued my interest from out of the corner of my eye...
I looked down to see a statue, sitting in the snow outside of a boarded up building. As I took closer look, I observed that it was a statue of Joseph from the Nativity scene. Nobody was around. I knew this was a sign, I knew that it was meant for me... so I took him.
(He wasn't some cheapy Dollar Store shite either -- the label on the bottom said Made In Japan)
When Joseph appears in one's life, he is a reminder to trust in one's morals and faith, to trust in God's plan. Remember that the birth of Jesus tells us that Joseph did not want to be His father -- in fact, Joseph planned on leaving Mary. But once God told him the truth, Joseph obeyed His orders.
I do not know what God has planned, but I have always known that I was meant for something. I was never fully receptive to the idea; now, I am trying to be. In the meantime, I have plenty of time to grow and improve. God knows when I will be ready; He knows when it will be time.
(Image created using an AI art generator on Night Cafe)
Those situations are always so heart breaking. I’ve seen a few in my professional life and it is so incredibly painful to see, especially now thinking back on them as a father.
I wax and wane on the god and Jesus thing. I think there is for sure a higher power but what that is, I’m not sure. Billy Carson talks well about this in terms of ancient Sumer and how these things may have evolved over time.
I think one of the best quotes I’ve ever heard was in a church and it left a lasting impact on me, that I think is applicable no matter what faith we are following.
We are not humans having a spiritual experience, we are spirits having a human experience.
That was such a powerful statement that has really shaped a lot of things in the years since I heard it!
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I have had a very rocky relationship with God. I was raised Roman Catholic, but when it's forced on you with no other explanation than "We HAVE to go to church," you end up resenting it 😂
So then I went agnostic/atheist for awhile... But even during that period, I've still been extremely spiritual; I know that there is something bigger than myself at play. That there will always be things I can't explain. One of them was the miscarriage, and after going through it, I realized if I couldn't have answers, I didn't want to go through it alone anymore, I didn't want to be strong on my own anymore.
I remember that quote from a previous post and it has stuck with me since. I do believe we are here on earth to learn something before we move on... Anyway thank you for your comment! I hope you're doing well, enjoy the weekend! 😃