Hi! My name is Guy and this is the story of how I had my neighbor over for dinner. Oh sorry! I mean, ate my neighbor over at dinner. Haha, forgive me, I am still not perfectly acquainted with the human tongue yet.（‐＾▽＾‐)
Anyway, my story begins 200 human years ago, in a planet nearly 200, 000 light years away from earth. A dreadful and cynical dystopian planet known as, Zarton.
You see, Zarton was none like any other planet, we harbored very strange cultures and beliefs, and our people were always so cruel and brutal towards each other; but perhaps the most cruelest ordeal of all, which we so fervently raged upon each other, would be something you humans refer to today as Purging.
If you've ever heard that word used before, i'm sure you must already be imagining purging as some vile act that includes an awful lot of things, such as killing, torture, rape, murder and so on. And quite frankly, you'd be correct! Purging is that and more! However, unlike how you earthlings do it for sport, we Zartonians do it for food! That's right, our major means of food and nutrition, all comes from the proper devourment of ones fellow man, or as you humans often call them : Neighbors.
Sadly, this had always been a norm of ours, one which I hated with every fibre of my globnort! Alas, what little choice and power I had have over it!! It was my horrid culture afterall, and I had to abide by it.
Ah, and even when I would beckon to my dear old father, to allow me not take part in this horrid ritual, he would abruptly disagree and say:
Listen son, neighbors and friends have and always would be meant to be eaten! It's just the circle of life! It's eat or be eaten dammit! Now, be a good Zartchild and finish your dinner! That neighbor's daughter isn't getting any younger.
"But father! That's the girl who invited me to her 200th Zartday last moonlight!" I would implore.
No buts! Now finsh up at once!
He would aggressively remark.
Arghh... these series of cannibalism continued for about another century until, at length, I became fed up with the barbarism, and ultimately, decided to steal a pod to escape to another planet - one far far away from Zarton! And consequentially, that's how I arrived here on earth.
Upon my arrival on earth, I took hospice at a quiet and casual neighborhood in the sub urban area of a town named Hilworth Hills. There, I took upon the identity of one Mr Guy NOT A Terrestrial . A weird name, I know but... it strangely did the trick!
Ahhh... life on earth was much more peaceful and civilized than Zarton. Yes, apart from the occasional corruption by world leaders, crime against fellow humans, over indulgement in pointless activities such as social media, controversies, memes, and lustfulness over sex, Earth was perfect!
The food was beautiful, the weather delicious(Ahh... pretend I said that in reverse)! But above all, never once did I witness any human trying to feast on the flesh and life source of another!
Ahh... such sweet relief（‐＾▽＾‐)
However, there was this one thing in particular I wasn't very fond of about earth... and that would be with their female species - the very ones they call women!
Now don't get me wrong, I have not much qualms regarding female earthlings; in fact, in retrospect, I always thought they were very unique. There was always this intelligence, this nuance, this sole prerogative that fancied me. However, there was also something aggravatingly annoying about them - something which I couldn't quite place my tentacle on.
A brilliant example of this feminine queerness could be seen in my nextdoor neighbor, Catherine! Yes, she was always quite the wild and obnoxious young lady, with a very strange perceptiveness towards human interactions. One such a time where I felt she crossed boundaries with me, was when I invited her for a dinner party at my place.
You know, now that I think about it, perhaps i might've overreacted a little bit.
In an effort to further portray myself as a normal human being living in the suburbs, I decided to throw a nice little candle light dinner for myself and a couple other neighbors. And with the help of Catherine, the only person who knew about my secret Zartonian identity, I was able to achieve this!
The party was not long, it lasted about 1-2 hours and by exactly 10:00pm, all guests had finally left, leaving only Catherine and I alone in the house.
Ah, so there I was in the dining room cleaning up when suddenly, Catherine bursts out of nowhere and grabs onto me tightly from the back; her body reeking from all the alcohol she had drank that night, and her head fuzzing from all the intoxication she felt.
"Uh.. you're too close Catherine..." I said calmly but with a hint of assertiveness. "Please, let go."
"Aw, you're no fun Guy!" She said with her voice drawing out in every word, almost as if singing. "Common, now that everybody's gone, why don't we have a little fun!"
"Ahuh..." I muttered nervously. "I'm actually in no mood for anymore fun this night if i'm being honest. It's getting late, so why don't you just head back home?"
"Nah... Too far!!" she exclaimed. "Why don't I spend the night here.... With you..." she said with her hands slowly reaching down to my trousers.
"Enough Catherine!" I yelled in a high agitated tone, gently pushing her away. "Need I remind you that I am a Zartonian! Tell me, DO YOU WANT TO GET EATEN OR SOMETHING??" I raged.
Then, slowly grabbing a hold of my suit, she pulled my face closer to hers and whispered:
"Oh, I don't mind getting eaten alright! So as long as you're gentle..." Then, reaching for my side, she leaned over and whispered into my ear: "Here, why don't I go first..." then she gave a gentle nibble on my neck which ultimately, infuriated me!.
"Catherine!!" I yelled, pushing her to the floor; my mind and heart racing and my emotions drilling with anger. I mean, this was a girl whom I had poured all my heart out to about all the trauma and misery I had experienced with Zarton's purges, and yet here she was, trying to use it against me!
Frankly, I could've just ignored all her distasteful antics but, it wasn't until she said something so vile, that I completely lost my cool:
"Common Zartonian daddy, prove to me how good y'all can be with your mouths..." she said to me as she laid there on the floor slowly spreading her legs open.
"Oh... you would like to be eaten is that it?" I said with a twitching eye, slowly feeling that rush of adrenaline, fueled by many decades of Zartonian purges.
"Heck yeah!" she exclaimed. "Eat me like it's the freaking purge!!"
Then, upon hearing this, I grabbed her from the floor immediately, and took her to the kitchen. There, we both remained undisturbed for about an hour and a half, behind closed doors.
Later on, at around 11:30pm, I finally came out of the kitchen with a big bowl in my hand, and endeavoured to have soup for dinner; while I sat there at the dinner table alone :).
Sup, this is my submission for the monthly invitational from the Scholar and Scribe community. The thematic prompt was Vengeance, and the genre was Commedy/Humor/Satire. Does this prompt bring something to mind? Well, there are still about 3 days left to enter! Hurry up!
Catherine really should have been more careful... let's hope Guy doesn't decide that purges are good after all!
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Lol, don't mess with a Zartonian! What an off-color, funny story! Thank you for sharing it with us!