It was going to be the event if the year . The best friend's stag. A likable guy called John . The stag was to be in August in Galway . He was into horses so the Galways races was a perfect location. Galway is a great spot in Ireland. On the West Coast , a university city. Small , touristy and full of diddly eye pubs (old men playing fiddles and banjos) . So the scene was set. My friend was a popular guy so friends from all over the globe started making their way to Galway for the event of the year . John had ruined his friends in past by hiring strippers , dressing them up and getting then very very drunk so this was their time to get John back. The lads had been planning for months and the best man was gamey to ruin John as well. This is always a plus. The best man should go all out to destroy the marriage on the stag night. Sometimes you get a nerdy best man and the stags are bad. But this one was different. On the Friday we went to the races. I had a tip for a horse called Fiery Speech from a show jumper from Kilkenny. I told John . John proceeded to tell everyone so there was a couple of beads of sweat on my forehead before the race. Everybody had money on him. I mean everyone. One guy bet his whole wallet for the weekend. It would pay for my weekend. The horse barely made his way out of the blocks , strolled out. Everyone was looking at me. But then Fiery Speech started shifting through the gears and started making his way up the field. We all started riding him. On the last fence he was 6th. But then he just put on the jets and romped home. We were all jumping around the place . Everybody won big. Now we could enjoy the weekend for free.
After the first night the best man told us we had to meet at the Kings Head at 2pm. Kings head is a large pub in Galway city centre. But John had other ideas. He gave me the nod at 11am to get breakfast. He said today was the day he was in trouble so he needed a couple of gins to take the edge off. So we went to the Kings Head when their doors opened at around 11am. Sat in the corner for 2 hours and had a beautiful breakfast and ended up having 10 gin & tonics. 🤣🤣. The 10 gins had set us up for the day. Gins always make me laugh. Alot so I was smiling away after around 4 of them. Michael the best man had arrived at this stage. He had a grin on his face too like a Cheshire cat. John noticed that grin and it could not be good . We are going to Spiddal . Spiddal was a Gaeltacht area (Irish language speaking , kind of backward ) Not too bad thought John. Maybe just maybe he was going to get away with it.
“But we have to pick someone up on the way.”
Alarm bells started ringing. Nobody knew only Michael so everyone got on the bus in anticipation. Off we went but Michael told the driver to stop here. Everyone expected a stripper but on walked on Trevor the dwarf in a lovely purple gigelo outfit and a purple stetson.
The whole bus gasped not knowing whether to laugh or not as the little human proceeded to walk down to John. Michael walked down after Trevor with a pair of handcuffs and proceeded to handcuff the stag with the bearded little man. Trevor and John had tied the knot and were not to be separated for the day. We also got a barbie dress and a wig on John as well because he has lovely legs. A woman would be happy with those pins. The bus stopped at the first pub in Spiddal . The locals who had never seen a dwarf in their life looked in shock as we walked in. A pint glass actually fell out of a mans hand, he was so shocked. We ordered a drink and the locals started drifting over. Inquisitive , keen to find out what was going on and where did we get a gnome from. The first guy that came over was a farmer and his wife. Actually in the photo attached. He asked Trevor the dwarf if he had anything to do with the fairy fort out his back field. Trevor the dwarf looked at him disgustingly saying “I’m not a mystical creature” “I’m just a small human” It was all a bit weird. The farmers were all on their phones telling the locals the news. Michael the best man got panicky and decided to drink up and go to the next pub.
We got on the bus kind of like a black guy escaping a KKK town in Alabama. Onto the next pub. John was moaning that Trevor was constantly going to the toilet because his kidneys were alot smaller than his own. Yet the little man was drinking the same amount. His mouth wasn’t smaller. Onto the next pub. Being in the middle of the country , the second pub was 2 miles down the road. The bus approached and all we saw was a crowd looking out the window at the arrival of Trevor the dwarf. Out of the frying pan into the fire. When we got in with Trevor was handcuffed to a man in a barbie dress and wig , this pub was much more lively. They were all trying to chat with Trevor and John ended up being his minder and security managing the disorderly queue that had formed to chat to Trevor. At one stage a couple of guys tried to put Trevor in a sack as a joke but Trevor wasn't best pleased so we had to get out of there. We chose to head back into Galway and cancel the pub tour of the country pubs. There were one or two dwarves in Galway City so he wouldn't get the same heat.
Back into Galway and we stumbled past a pub. "Limbo Dancing Contest 7pm". It was 6.30pm so lets just go in there. We found out soon after that the winner of the limbo would win a keg of beer. That was 81 pints. And we had a secret weapon. After some negotiation with the best man we agreed that Trevor would be un-cuffed from John and Trevor would be our representative in the limbo contest.We kept Trevor out of the way under a few coats after we entered his name. So as per usual the limbo started at a height of around 5ft. 3 girls on a hen went first got through. Then a couple of Irish guys and then an African guy who looked like a dead cert. He was very dancy and to be honest a bit smug. His crew were in the corner with no drinks waiting for the grand prize. Until Trevor was called. We opened our little huddle and Trevor marched up to do the limbo to uproars from the crowd. He didn't even have to duck for the first 3 limbos while people fell on their bums failing the limbo and crying foul. We were howling. Trevor was taking this seriously. He loved his pints. He breezed to victory having to just bend in under the last limbo where the African guy just didn't quite hit the groove. There were too many people laughing for any kind of stewarts enquiry. The organisers had to pay out not to upset the minority. Trevor was a hero. It said nowhere in the limbo rules that little people were not allowed. Rather then give us a keg , they gave us the equivalent drink which was around 4 pints each. So after having the weekend paid for this was icing on the cake.
With Trevor out of the handcuffs and triumphant in his limbo win , I joined him during one of his winning drinks. He admitted that the lads stags are the best and it's easy money for him but he hated hens. Really hated them which was interesting. Those pesky women would be trying to grab his dick and even ride him which I was confused about. We also spoke about dwarfism politics and it's pretty divided. They can't agree on a height or proportions and there is a load of in fighting with the various groups. The actors such as Warwick Davies and Peter Dinklage have different opinions on the best path to social justice and equality. It was all very interesting after 10 gins , 9 pints and a couple of vodkas. Trevor was off the clock at 9pm but decided to stay with us because we were a good bunch of lads and he was only going back to a hotel on his own so he may have well of stayed out. Sure he didn't have to buy a drink the whole day either. He ended up just coming back to the apartment. He got 800 quid for the day. 600 to him and 200 to the events company that Michael hired him from. Not bad for a days work to go out on the piss. I might become one myself.
I still laughing at the heads when he got on that bus and nobody knew where to look. If this happened this year we would have made the local paper. But nobody was hurt. Even Trevor said it was easy money so it was a win win. That weekend had everything.This will go down in the history books as one of the best Stags ever.
😘