Flew Shot is the title of my weekly posts about whatever random content I come up with. From writing about blogging and marketing to promoting my podcasting career, curating music & art to writing about sociopolitical issues and agriculture. I'll create one of these at least once a week, often more. Sometimes I use specific tags and communities for these posts.
DISTRACTED
It's times like this that I shouldn't blog. The times when I'm distracted by one problem after the other, among those problems my finances. And so I get to looking at my crypto wallets, Hive in particular and start thinking, "Shit! I had better post something since I haven't seen a payout in over a week". Then I have to force myself to pen a post. I don't like doing it this way.
It's not that I have a shortage of topics, quite the contrary. I do what every professional blogger and podcaster should. I keep running lists of idea, I make notes, save and bookmark web pages. I even log into Stackedit, a tool I use to write, edit and format content, and begin writing random posts all the time.
It's just these past couple of weeks, after a big upswing in my life in general, a lot of things have caught up and started to weigh heavy on me and keep me well distracted from my usual creative process. And, since I've been able to monetize my bouts of creativity, when I do not create I lose a portion of my income stream. So, when my regular job and freelance gigs aren't cutting it, I usually have some spare change from dabbling in professional content creation to fall back on. Not having this adds to my stress.
There are two things which have managed to distract me to a great extent recently. So much so that this past Thursday came and went and it wasn't until late Friday that it hit me I forgot to do my weekly podcast Post Up on @msp-waves. As some of you know, I am recently divorced from the mother of my children. Not only was the year leading up to this extremely arduous, since then, the transition from dad and family man to being a roommate to younger bachelors and having to make my own way with no previous plan and hardly any money saved proved difficult. That coupled with continuing to deal and heal from the passing of @samrisso, my best friend and former employer and financial backer.
A little while ago my kids' mom tried to cut off all communication I had with them. It lasted a few days before one text from me allowed her to think for a moment and understand what she was doing was wrong. Well, she must have had yet another change of heart and has once again cut us off from each other. I haven't heard from my kids now in two weeks. I have managed to convince myself that I have to keep moving forward and do everything to improve my own situation so that when the time comes I can be there for my girls. It's one of those things that is much easier said than done. Being cut off from my kids has really been fucking with me. It makes me feel very powerless. I feel extremely defeated at the moment. The truth is I am powerless right now. I know if, god forbid, there is an emergency I am in no position to do much of anything for them. And that makes me wonder if wanting to have them in my life at this time is simply me being emotionally selfish.
I have a job job. I monetize most of my online activity. As a small business owner I am meeting prospective clients which I will be able to close soon. I have been hired as a consultant to a national non-profit which I believe in and am proud to be affiliated with. I am networking with multi-millionaire philanthropists, venture capitalists and angel investors. I've been told over and over by so many people I'm doing everything right. I keep hearing how these same people admire me and look up to me. It doesn't help. I feel weak. I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired.
I feel like I fucked up big time. My regular employer hired me for a new job that pays a little more. So that's great. In the meantime during the onboarding process they delayed a couple of weeks implementing and testing new software so they haven't rolled out any shifts while they onboard new people to my old job. I haven't been able to work for them since. They finally sent out an email yesterday assuring us new shifts would start rolling out tomorrow. They're clients are Ivy League universities and major television networks, they lose nothing from the downtime and they know there is no shortage of people like me who desperately need to make a paycheck.
The non-profit I'm working for now is going to pay me soon. Everything has to go through the board. They have to be mindful of their running budget and their finance department is a volunteer. I asked when I could expect a deposit, but I don't know how to convey the urgency that my rent is due and I can't get SNAP benefits in the state of Florida because I'm a convicted felon with drug charges. After all, my inability to maintain gainful employment isn't their problem and it shouldn't be. They already go out of their way to help children sleeping in cars or relatives' couches.
I suppose I could have foreseen this situation. I didn't realize there would be a long gap between jobs and paychecks until it was was fast approaching crunch time. Being distracted by emotional upheaval and surrounded by some others' random dramas has finally taken its toll. I'm at that point where I know I need to ask for help. It's something I've had to do before. It's also a place I've worked hard to avoid. I no longer view illicit activities as a viable option since the risks outweigh the pros, and that makes things especially hard. It's an internal struggle understanding what my moral compass may find appropriate carries far too many consequences which will only serve to justify keeping my children away from me for a prolonged period of time.
I guess I'm sick of asking for help. I have managed to get my proverbial shit together in the past, there's no reason I can not do it now. I've managed to shake it all off and bulldoze my way through trauma and turmoil. I should be stronger now, not weaker. I should be more savvy by now, not feeling broken and defeated. It hasn't killed me, but I don't feel stronger. I feel desperate and alone. I feel lost and afraid. This is new territory for me. I don't like it.
We are currently running a delegate-a-thon with a goal of reaching ONE MILLION HIVE POWER. The HP will be used to reward all of he participants on Post Up, our weekly live curation podcast on @msp-waves. The links below will take you to hivesigner, a secure way to delegate your HP to any user. You can delegate for as long as you wish, for it to be effective we ask that you do so for at least a month.
| 100 | 200 | 300 | 400 | 500 | 1000 | 1500 | 2000 | 2500 | 5000 |
After clicking the link check the value, you may change it to any amount you desire. Enter your Hive username and use your Private Active Key to delegate. Please be sure to leave at least 50 HP in your own account. Also, new delegations override any old ones. If you need help feel free to leave a comment or contact us on Discord - AbadaniSolutions#0266.
Not having contact with your children is hard AF! I havent talked with my oldest daughter in almost 5 years and it still hurts. WE MUST push forward regardless. Even when weak and tired. Take the needed time to recharge and strengthen your mind of course, then continue the journey. Keep your head up.