"...I already have permanent pain and a broken soul."
Try rephrasing that. Try 'broken pain and a permanent soul.'
Also, try mounting turrets on your enduro. Make that ride into the abyss count!
Edit: I had an XR 500. Given my propensities, and the fact I was a father to minor children at the time, I had to give it away so that I wouldn't try to jump the ~60 foot ravine at the foot of my property. I dreamed of making that jump, of how to construct the ramp, almost nightly. I found those dreams simply stopped when I gave away the bike, and my sons still have a father today.
we have no permanent soul cuz the white circle is broken and was transformed to bloodline