I am 30 years old, and it is a miracle that I've made it this far. Starting back from my childhood I was suffering from depression and social anxiety, and I really thought I would commit a suicide or end up spending the rest of my life in some mental institution.
During the worst periods of my existence, I could not do any kind of job, could not have any close relationships, and couldn't even go outside. I was oppressed by an immense fear of my disease and the future which awaited me, ashamed by the memories of the wasted opportunities of the past, and tortured by my low self-esteem.
I can't say I'm fully recovered now, but at least I currently have a job, few friends, enough courage to go outside and talk to people, and some knowledge about how to deal with my condition.
I was able to find professional help through my friends who I met online, and that's the big reason why I value the ability to access the internet as much as other human rights. I would be physically (or at least mentally and socially) dead by now if I couldn't talk about my problems via the last way of communication accessible to me at that time.
In case you're wondering why I didn't tell my family and ask them for help instead, I can say that the lack of trust within my family is among the reasons why I got into that condition. For the sake of anonymity, I will not provide any further details about that.
My recovery consisted of spending few months in a rehabilitation center where I received help from professional psychologists via individual and group therapy. However, that was not enough. My normal way of thinking and living constantly drags me back into insanity, and I'm not optimistical about the question if it can be fixed once and for all.
Other than that, I constantly attend local 12-steps groups which proved to be very effective for treating depression and various anxieties. In my place, there are only Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous groups available, and to be completely honest I barely even touched alcohol, never tried any illegal drugs, and I don't even smoke tobacco. And yet, I visit AA and NA meetings, pretending to be addicted to substances. I simply have no other choice other than lying that I have a more lethal disease, in order to survive.
This may remind you of the fight club, except I'm not cool.
I'm also love-shy, which simply means I'm scared of dating women and having sex. Naturally, I'm a virgin, and currently not even considering having romantic relationships.
That being said, I've actually dated a girl once after she approached me at a party. By dating me she was cheating on her boyfriend who was away from our city for a long time. After a couple of weeks, she told me the truth and asked if we could be friends, and I felt a big relief because I was really afraid we might have had sex. (We only kissed few times.) I didn't like her one bit but was too shy to even say "no." I agreed on staying friends, but it never happened. We've only met a few times after that.
Other than that girl, in my entire life, I've been on a few "friend dates," i.e. spending time with my friends who happened to be females. In all these cases, both sides were 100% sure we're only friends, and nothing should be expected other than watching movies or eating together. This gave me much more confidence in myself than having a "real" girlfriend which I didn't even want to date.
I believe I can find a girlfriend. Some women told me I look okay or even good, and even though I know I'm not considered hot by most of the women, there are at least some that find skinny guys like me attractive enough. That being said, I started doing little workouts recently. Even if my muscles won't grow, I feel better about myself just knowing I am able to do that. While being depressed, I could never force myself to do any kind of activity except for walking back and forth across my room, thinking about how pathetic and miserable I am.
Few happy facts about me:
- I am a programmer
- I have a good sense of humor
- I know 1.5 foreign languages
- I can draw a bit
- I watch anime and read manga, and I'm proud of it
- I love the idea of blockchain technologies and everything which comes with it
My plan is to stay anonymous on Steem, I hope you understand why.
It is my pleasure to be here.
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STOP@yowa, thanks for opening up about some of your struggles. I am sure that was difficult to do.
On Steemit, I think that you will find you can be both anonymous and transparent.
Again, welcome to our community. Let me know if you need anything.
Thank you, @sumatranate!
LOL ! YOU MADE ME DIE LAUGHING " This may remind you of fight club. but im not cool "
Holy crap ; your a funny guy - i shall first off welcome you !
With that being said ; im amazed at how informative this post is ; not many people actually take the time to do things like this - i can also draw ; and i watch anime and read manga as well - very proud of it ; i am currently looking for a few people to start up a few projects with ; as i have started my own business recently helping people start their own online empire and earn money in their spare time, if you would like to follow me and possibly start up a project together im sure we can come up with something, as i do not have the funds to start up any major projects quite yet - i am working on a favor system ; like pay it forward .
Not only have i started up a few projects doing that ^
I have also started my own video game ; and im currently looking for people to collaborate with this project as well - im looking for voice actors, artists, script writers, programmers and game testers plus anything in between !
The game itself is no where close to being finished ; as it stands im only trying to gather a team together for it .
If you would like more information you can check out my profile, i have even just recently updated my facebook page for my business .
Feel free to check it out !
Also as for the depression -
I love music ; and this hits home, every time
Music helps everyone get through hard times ; im sure you are no different .
Things will get better, especially in this community - steemit is an amazing place to make friends !
There is also an app for phone called eSteem - you should check it out !
Thanks, man! Your projects seem very interesting, but I'm afraid I can't help you due to the lack of spare time and energy.
This song is really sad, I try to avoid listening to depressing songs. My friend psychologist told me that listening to songs carrying certain emotions can intensify these emotions. And it works the other way around too, of course.
I used to listen to a lot of metal subgenres songs, but my taste changed a lot since I started recovering from depression. Now I mostly listen to J-rock, various electronics, pop, etc. There are still many heavy/sad songs on my playlist, but their fraction is small.
Thats okay the offer is always open - and i feel like music depends on your perspective ; sometimes depression makes you feel alone and hearing music with the same message can make you feel less alone ; i guess its because you are not going through it alone - and someone else has been through it as well . it gives people a reason to connect .
Welcome to the jungle
Thanks!
welcome my friend! glad you came!
Thank you!
Welcome to steemit. @yowa
following you now.