A not-so-wise woman I know better than she thinks I do once said 'Emotions are so fleeting, they change like the weather...' -- Thank God He calms the storms.
Truly unjustified anger is an emotion. Misplaced rage. Confused frustration. Doubt.
Flurries of slander ensue.
All my life abusive relationships have found me. Or did I find them? We can Dr. Phil it all day and 'you teach people how to treat you,' and 'you attract what you are used to subconsciously' ad nauseum. I dealt with my abusers head-on once pushed there by a chemical imbalance 'effect', not a 'side-effect,' of a drug that was meant to keep my eggs from leaving my ovaries. I called them up, I met with them face to face, I said my peace and forgave them. At that point that was the only power I held over them. Knowing from personal experience how guilt can eat at you I did the one thing that they could never do in that circumstance: Forgive them.
I also got off the birth control. Things that don't jive with my physically I have to cut loose, whether that's a sliver of Lexapro, platform heels, bras with stays in them or dental x-ray tabs that make me gag. I deal with my shit. It's either that or keep walking to Lake Superior every evening by myself begging God to ask me why He left me here if I was going to be worthless. My God answers prayers. He listens. He knows why. And He wants to reiterate that He would never leave me 'worthless' ANY...where.
Life has never been normal for me. Relationship drama, extraordinary circumstances, pressure, high levels of anxiety since I had to do my first oral book report peppered then and now mark my existence. The drama got old. Alcohol and isolation replaced those relationships for a time. Human beings are letdowns. Disney makes men a lot of things they aren't. And they make you want to be a Princess. And love real ones.
'Unattainable men' is who I was after, my psychoanalytical aunt told me back when I was 12 and had a crush on Buddy Holly, who'd been dead for 30 years. Well, I wasn't into Lisa Lisa & the Cult Jam, sorry. Pop music sucked in my opinion. Things haven't much changed. When I asked my mother about why it was so difficult to find a man who didn't lust after porn she said 'they all do it Jenny. None of us like it,' it was like she took a gigantic pin to my balloon. Ah, this is just how it was. It was a hard thing to understand for a young woman. What was my value? Why all of this keeping myself to one man and getting to know him, making sure he was trustworthy with my heart when all he had to do to get off was pay $4.99 (at that time) for a Penthouse and get everything I thought he was waiting for with me? Not that my ONLY value was my body and expression of love. But it was definitely a big deal to know that men can go anywhere and see what I try to keep sacred between us. I was always trying to equate that with something on the female end. The closest I could get was romance novels or getting hit on by someone we wanted to get hit on while in a relationship. And I wasn't into revenge. And I wasn't into giving myself away. And after 20 years of chasing that proverbial 'unicorn' (a phrase I now hate) I gave up and gave in.
There was no man who didn't lust in his heart for someone else and now everyone had access to that particular sin in their pockets 24 hours a day. Whatever genre you so desire. For free.
Know what an Unattainble Man really is? This Guy:
"And I saw a strong angel proclaiming with a loud voice, "Who is worthy to open the book, and to loose the seals thereof?"
And NO MAN in heaven, nor in earth, neither under the earth, was able to open the book, neither to look thereon.
And I wept much, because NO MAN was found worthy to open and to read the book, neither to look thereon.
And one of the elders saith unto me, Weep not...BEHOLD, the Lion of the tribe of Judah, the Root of David, hath prevailed to open the book, and to loose the seven seals thereof.
Nobody like Him.
Americans are conditioned to want what they want when they want it. They're warned about abuse, they're 'educated' on what it looks like and how it works. This is all from childhood on. And they are told to leave. Conditioning and programming. Hurt feelings? Leave him. A few words in anger? What an asshole.
My world is a different place now as far as drama is concerned. I don't have much PERSONAL drama. I'm pretty even-keel though passionate and driven. Routine is my best friend. I like structure. It is dependable and I thrive off of security. There is a bubble and a system and it's mine and it works. The relationship I'm in now was delivered to me by God. I don't wonder what my husband's doing in the bathroom. Or the shower. Or in the other room. Or when I'm not around. He doesn't answer to me, thank God. He doesn't fear me. He honors me, even when I spit on him in those fleeting emotions that grip me. He waits for me. Patterns ensue and he is patient, for it's a virtue. I don't need a prince. I have a prophet.
I know how he does what he does. He inspires me. I fall so short in so many circumstances that he perseveres in. I admire him. He may have his moments and that's what makes him human but there are far fewer of those than I'm accustomed to. Again, thank God. When the wheels fall off of our ride and satan gets excited over the prospect of our parting that's when Jesus shows up. 'These 2 are mine' he says and shepherds Us personally. Sometimes I don't see how it can be salvaged. But we're blessed with the Ultimate Salvation. It's to the point now where I don't know why I even try to rally against what is not...my...relationship. I truly regret my hurtful words said in anger about My Faith and Those involved in my salvation and to my husband, who is as merciful and understanding of me as Christ Himself is. I fasted for four days when at odds with @mikemullens involuntarily. It takes a physical toll on both of us. He waited for me to wake up. The only way to wake up a Disney princess is with a when-you-think-about-it, pretty weird kiss while she's in a coma of some kind. The only way to wake up a female Child of God is to keep vigil over her with loving respect and truth until the clouds dissipate. I regret what I fall victim to. And My Lord's enemy is also mine. We all get attacked, I'll try to forgive myself for what's obvious and not really personal when it comes to satan's aim. He throws like a girl.
God protects me because I TRY. I cry. I think about everything He wants from me and my behavior. I apologize. I repent. I fail but I keep reaching for Him. He has plans to prosper me and not harm me. I know who the perfect man is. I know the prince they keep us little girls from. I know what Daddy issues are and who my Father is. No man is going to save you. In fact if you have a man at all he'd better be one who needs saving via Jesus.
You were caught before you knew it because you opposed the Lord. Like I said to you the night I met Christ full-on in a Beautiful Collision 'Get away from me. You're not welcome here.' And I'll keep saying it. Now that I found Him you found me. Do you feel in control? You haven't won yet. All you do is make us stronger, make us more faithful to Christ. No wonder you hate believers. And now the world is going to hate believers more than ever. I try to wear this armor I was given by my Brother Paul each day. And for how wonderful all of the pieces are, and they indeed are, it's my faith in my Brother and Lord Jesus and profound love I have for Him that ultimately seals my Salvation. Though I strive for that and hope against hope for it, I'll be surprised...tearfully surprised if it's granted to me. For living in this world steeped in sin one has a sliver of a chance at Salvation. I don't want 5D, I don't want 'Ascension.' I don't want a perfectly healed human body. I want to meet Jesus. And apologize for what I did to Him. And worship Him for even considering me. That's the real security I want. A Father that I don't have to forgive for failing me early in life, one that's been with me from the Beginning and who calls Himself 'The End.' No drama, no tears, no fleeting emotions. Just...Joy.
Until then...
Amen 🙏
Godliness turns the hearts of women to the true beauty the Lord intended.
The same for Men who share the Lord as our Sheppard.
How amazing. From heaven we are a sight to behold.
Glory, glory ,there are many more to come.
Continue to light the way.
Heaven rejoice.