Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it's not up to me to find these kids?
How can you tell that you had sex with a Mexican woman the night before? You wake up with a jalapeno seed on your dick.
Me: I baked cookies! Who's the best Mom ever? Son: Oprah! Me: Gimme the damn cookies back! Son: See? Oprah GIVES, she doesn't take!
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Trick question. They can't change anything.
My girlfriend is NOT a library book You hear that guys? Stop checking her out.
