Black Journal (Poland - 2014 and 2015)

[dom-ram-urban]

BLACK JOURNAL (POLAND 2014)

THERE IS A LIGHT THAT SELDOM GOES OUT
AND I’M TRYING TO REMAIN DEVOUT
IN THE LITTLE HOUSE INSIDE
ON HEATHEN SHORES
PEEKING OUT THE LITTLE WINDOW
LETTING MY SCATTERGUN SPRAY
TO SEED THE NEXT MEANINGS OF TODAY

There is a light seldom goes out
From the little window in the little house
sniping out onto the heathen shores
spying and trying to remain devout
letting my scattergun poke through and srapy
new seeds for the next meanings of today.

7/12/2014
Hard drugs and thump thump.

8/4/2015
I’ve decided to start keeping a journal again, something about the onset of rainier weather makes me feel like writing.
Australia is being further polarised along left/right dichotomies of late. Islamophobia is being propagated under the guise of protecting Australia form the scourge of halal certification and sharia law. The sharia law scare is hilarious considering the Australian Muslim community has not even indicated on the simplest of levels that they seek it’s introduction into the Australian judicial system.
I also find the halal uproar hilarious considering drunk Aussies have been wolfing down kebabs for decades now!
Some other points to consider on this Islamophobia incitement; our federal LNP ruling party has not in any form made statements against the idiotic Reclaim Australia Rallies on April 4th (these people who attended and supported Reclaim Australia are obviously the voting constituents of the LNP).

15/4/2015
All the rage at the moment relates to vaccination and anti-vaccination. Stupid, stupid country.

If animals were more aware or conscious of humans they would laugh and laugh and laugh at how stupid we are except for the fact that we kill them.

The way to my heart is through my liver.

Met a nice Polish lady artist that works in lace, very reminscent of my mother’s lace tablecloths. She was stunned at how many people were at the opening night of her joint show so I didn’t want to crowd her.

She told me the underground scene in Warsaw was amazing. I loved her lace/spiderweb design tattoos. I am happy.

The question begs to be asked, I am an artist so what the fuck am I doing working in Insurance?

Sometimes all it takes is a combination of external stimuli to jig my memory banks, back to the situation where I was far more in tune & inspired by every day & thought that I had.

6/5/2015
Febrile limp grips
over memories long now longer past
Turning over a page metaphorically while still longing to the last
I’m still here? And an internal dialogue unfolds:
“What happened?” the accusation is blunt as I look into the bathroom mirro, rapidly aging in appearance.
I stifle a sigh and resignedly reply “I survived to be this old.”
My reflection wavers and it’s brows knit together into anxious furrows.
An empty and silently imploring look, a plea ringing in my deafened ears.
I wavered and watched myself disappear.

12/5/2015
Making enquiries into completing my ADV Diploma of Fine Art. Here comes the shitstorm of tertiary burearcracy.
Glad to have the symptoms of my flu abating. Felt so weak and listless all weekend.
There’s a huge cloud of smoke over the south west of Perth. Smell of bushfire in the air.
Looking forward to getting home and chilling out. Reply to Cameron’s email, I briefly went over it at work but it was quite detailed and included a poem so I’ll reply with my latest poem (see previous page)

13/5/2015
My flu is almost completely gone, just a dry, high-pitched cough.
I am feeling solidly determined to complete my Adv Dip in Fine Arts, despite the hurdles of tertiary bureaucracy I know are waiting for me.
Federal Budget day today and I’m pleased at how little I care about it.
I’m making a conscious effort to not care about ‘the news’ currently in an effort to feel better about the country I live in.

There’s not much reason to care about how current policy or lack thereof will affect our nation in the future. I happily resign myself to eventual death with no progeny to inherit the earth of my own. Is this selfish or realistic or what?

14/5/2015
Memories of a young girl with Leuakaemia are hurtling towards me. I just got off the phone with a woman who is a third party in this instance, wh ohas a mother that is dying from blood cancer, Leukaemia.
I remember as a young boy, wearing leather sandals being led into a large room, wooden floorboards with a large rug.
I think I might have been 7 or so years old.
Wooden furniture, a cool breeze through the lace curtains. Was I in a sanitorium, hospital; a place of palliative car? Who was I there with? Mum confirms it wasn’t her.

19/5/2015
Cold weather and a weak sun.
Rays giving a light kiss,
A minor inkling into it’s cancerous strength in 6 month’s time.

I don’t want to write about work in here. It seems like something I would do in my 20’s. I will just summarize that i’m just doing it for now.
I am keen to not become further involved in the social aspect of work. Doing so has not been fruitful from previous experiments.

Listening to Buffy-Saint Mairie and becoming excited about my Walt Whitman book arriving (Leaves of Grass).
Born into a wrong generation, born into the wrong century.
I am wearing my socks with snowflakes on them which I bought from Koscierzyna. My winter wonderland socks.
Such are the observations I have at 8am in the morning, on the train.

27/5/2015
Skybound to Sydney. I am hoping the weather is nice as I want to explore the harbour and Circular Quay areas.
Just watched a movie called “Dior and I.” which I found really enjoyable. It follows the appointment of a new designer (Raf Simon) and his first haute coutere collection. Infact I found it very entertaining.

All the things we were
Convincing ourserlves that we are not anymore.
Returning to where we were mapping how it used to be, your remembrance, with how it is now.
Oh to be a lady of leisure, a man of the world.
Restraints of time and money cast far aside.
As the path of unihibited travels readily unfurled.

If anything that Dior movie was incredibly entertaining as it engaged my creativity, my aesthetic judgement.
Reminding me that I am at heart a creative soul and very pleased when I consume another’s creativity.
There was a time when my freedom was defined by isolating myself from worldly care and woe by immersing myself in drawing and music. I hope I can return to that. Even if it is only a sporadic and infrequent return, it will be better than naught.

27/5/2015
A febrile grip around this gun as I prepare to take a life. Not a soldier, not a terrorist, not a murder; a human?
Wholly unknown. Exploring that dank, ever dark crevasse where sounds are dampened and the senses of taste and smell constantly assailed by visually conjuring images of grave decay.
The fetid self; stinking and impure is so rarely explored. Like the abyss that gazes back at you when you gaze into it too long.
Mein slackens, tight muscles droop letting folded and creased flesh sag. The clenched jaw unclenches as the grip upon that object which takes life becomes ever more febrile.
One day crossing the street in my foreign homeland with my grandmother “The whiteness, the whiteness” she stammered referring to an unnatural white glow that suffused her sight.
One day I aged by almost 60 years and shared that glorious whiteness, basked in it even though it heralds the end of life and with my febrile grip on the gun, I took aim and shot it!~

28/5/2015
Sydney is a lot busier and noisier than I remembered. Hanging out in Chippo really close to where I used to live on 38 Thomas St, Darlington, I am going to go for a walk around my old stomping ground and absorb how much and what has changed.
There seems to be so much around and to be honest I could make a whole day of just exploring two or three suburbs. Rather than being appalled by changed, I am enthralled. My 5+ years living back in perth has entrenched any town planning or significant change to the urban landscape with a patina of negativity and cynicism, never undeserving or unfounded.
One negative aspect here in Chippo is a strange shift of population and culture into something that is not such an easy thing to swallow.

So here we are. Over 20,000 kilometers apart.
My sense of longing I’ve refined to an art.
Twinkling and fading away
as The Dawn to the Stars
With the prosaic and commonplace
igniting a memory
with an eloquent phrase
a subtle haemmorhage
of those yonder most wonderful days
gone past

Our lives are built on misery
Paying a limb to find something worthwhile to see
All this pain and money hollowly drumming
to drown out the pulse of misery.

It’s plainly displayed for all to see
in ornate shopfronts lit from all angles we see
Misery clothed in a vain attempt to remain ageless and unspent
furiously spending, not noticing irony.

Got lost in the view of the harbour, looked over to Quay West Suites and see a woman doing the same, utterly enraptured and lost in thought.
Listening to Cancerslug – In The Graveyard.
Let the wonder and beauty wash over you, around you and then let it in, let it affect you. Let it inspire you, fuel your ideas and be the vehicle of your aspirations.
Cancerslug – Greed

You can’t listen to me
Lest your goals and dreams
are suddenly skewed
and your perspective becomes misery

“Everything is terrible” it seems
you mutter. Stutter under your
breath and over their heads.

Don’t listen to me
My voice is the bewitching moonbeam
the mirage of the pot of gold.
Don’t let me interrupt your dreams,
and go about as before instead.

Emerging from the darkening field of wheat after striding through the cornrows.
Long stalks and ears silhoulettes of black to make them circle and bob. The sky is a furious blood red and a glorious bright glow tints everything.
He emerges up towards the verandah, sweaty and shining in what rays left catch his shirtless frame.
There is perfection so much within what I have just written that elaboration is pointless; a perfidy to the simlpe image where once seen and experienced, nothing will matter next.
Is perfection like nirvana, where once achieved a future beyond is impossible to visualize.

Our tears are all the same, nothing to fear when they flow unless you specifically sought some kind of saline fame & wanted your tears to glow.

No one takes interest in my life at all.
Not even me at all.
It’s time to expire
No deep sense of conspiring.
To keep my heart beating and struggling
through the mire.

3/6/2015
An unwise covenant
Footsteps of the unknown
squelching they way down the neighbours common entrance
and the remnants of a shower
dripping slowly and methodically
Hollow down the steel box gutter.

It’s two hours behind here
but I’m light years ahead of myself
In thinking that the current full moon
is a portent of favour
or that it’s moonshine means anything at all.

The unknown footsteps squelch away
I wonder (and hope) another drizzle comes
and soaks the surfaces of this city all night
so i wake up
and everything glistens in the morning.

6/6/2015
Walked home from Perth station, enjoying the relative quiet of the city scape. Saturday night listening to Autechre on earphones as I sauntered by the soup kitchen next to what looked like a Christian Ministry performing Mass.

2015 Graduate Exhibition – Wednesday 2nd December 6pm 9/11/2015
John Rafman – Video booth montages of internet crap videos.

Onishi Yasuaki
Glue gun rain/sheets, drops of, skein of,

Reegan Jackson

4/10/2015
Happy Birthday Mum!

Is austerity what I should shun? Because austerity is never much fun.

A thousand bloatings caused by endless feasting (amount without reason).
The deflating and purging is cathartic and releasing (out of season).
Too much gout has to be bled, silver blood, rich and congealing on the immaculate marble slab floor.
Too much purging and you end up dead, collapsed on the living room floor, near the couch and the TV blaring at a dead audience.

TREATISE AGAINST TODAY
Rather than celebrate what went right today by inherent luck or planned directions, I will criticize and denigrate that which went wrong (it could have been an event inherently designed by the system to go wrong).
Today I will tell you like I am telling you now, not how right or how passionately & with researched intent I AM RIGHT, no...
Today I will tell you how wrong you are! I no longer need to be right anymore or even pretend to know what is right.
Fuck you, you’re wrong.
YOU ARE WRONG.

I would have liked to have quit my job so I would learn a living mainly.

30/11/2015
Opportunity is for the opportunistic and not a certain or specified category of the human race. Writing

03/12/2015
I am an evil boy
I have an evil toy
I want to make the most noise.

4/12/2015
Pinhead wearing pinhead shirt spinning a chocolate wheel for the terrorist attacks,

29/12/2015
The youth of today are being taught the mental illness of tomorrow.

2/1/2016
MaxTV, Benjamin Franklin

9/1/2016
A coachbus with a BWS advert on its side.
A timely sign to remind me to drink to stay alive.

27/1/2016
Almost 9am, somewhere on the border of SA & WA. High up in a plane and flying to Brisbane. I used to be more an expressive person.
A more virulent man, younger.
I’m still ok though, I still got it in me and I can still tap into it.
Coffee and cigareetes: accompaniment to pen and notebook. Write, write it all out.

I fantasize when I fly that when I land I’m no longer a smoker. I tell myself that I can withstand the 4-5 hours with no tobacco very easily, so I should be able to do the same once on solid ground again. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way at all. It’s a nice idea though.

I remember a colleague from a previous office job (Carolyn) was a smoker in the 70’s, 80’s but when she migrated to Australia, she never picked up a cigarette again.
“When I landed in this new country, I set my mind upon being a better and new me, so in this new life I wasn’t a smoker.
And that was that for Carolyn! How peevishly simple the solution is for some.

I went to Shu-Wen’s apt block for Aus day. I had great fun and really enjoyed meeting this Japanese woman who was there & a friend of Ilya’s. Japanese people are fairly awesome . I love their speech, mannerisms and excitable personalities, they are so cute! She was very eager to talk about Japan so I asked plenty of questions. “TAMA-YA” is apparently what Japanese people exclaim after witnessing a firework that exploded especially big.

I’m very eager to walk around Burleigh Heads again. It’s a place I love very much and I want to see whether my memory of the area remains true today. I hope that there hasnt’ been too much over-development and modernization of the area as it would lose charm otherwise if it had bee.

Will this be a holiday where I take stock of my life and reflect on what it is I want from this new stage of becoming older? My current life is just rolling on by with myself giving very little thought to mid and long term goals. My reluctance to think a decade ahead is probably because I don’t expect nor want to live much longer past that.

I have been single so long that I am umcomfortable even at the thought of growing old with someone together. For me life, growing old and dying is all done alone.
It’s not a sad thing in my opinion either. I consciously & subconsciously shun love and affection; through no good reason is this modus operandi adhered to, throughout life, solace always elsewhere & not from another human.

7/2/2016
Flying back to Perth doesn’t feel very nice. Mind alternating and quickly flicking like a wagon wheel of images.
I don’t think I want anything anymore which makes me confused by the variety of mental images flicking sequentially and unbidden.
Not much longer now.

Where is the location of the post-WW2 domestic rubbish dump site in Burswood?

To try to find the very foundations of what it means to criticise the norm the normal standard.
The likely and the accepted are the predicted.

TIME LINE
31/12/17 Gdynia – Gdynia 6pm NEW YEARS EVE PARTY
dad didn’t want to get off the cruise ship for 1/1/2018 @ Gdynia for lunch 12pm

2/1/2018
dad apparently died 7am in the cabin, discovered by Tereseds Sawko apparently 5-10 min away from docking at 9am at Karls Krona Sweden.
Ksiac z Woloszyc 1930-1935 (Grandad Alphons housed and hid him).

Questions
Did dad have cirrhosis of the liver?
When was she last in the house?
Play Dumb. What do mean you could live in the house for 3 months?
Why would you want to considering the horrific state of it?
What was that fat round lady with the walking brace talking about that Teresa deserves Order of the White Eagle?
What happened to his?
When was dad last in the house?
Were you Dad’s caregiver legally?

18/1/2018
I made the observation that Polish people (at least those into the era of wearing their wrinkles with ire) fit into only two distinct & absolute categories: the kindest and most distinctly humane exemplars of humanity or the complete opposite.
That is to say craven vulturous beings. Subhuman and beyond the bottom of the barrel, these slimy leeches only commit and any act of kindness (such as offering a home visit with tea and cake) driven by the subconscious need to deceive & manipulate for their own greed. Abhorrent manipulative scum deserve nothing from this life, if their life is solely built upon taking from others.

23/1/2018 1am-ish
In Doha, last leg of the trip home and I’m quite hungry. Not really craving anything back home except sleep and perhaps an Emu Export.
I will have a lot of unpacking to do and then straight into two days of training with Adecco/DHS.

Rick asked a good question about my father’s death, as to whether I had changed. I only had time for a brief response before myself and my siblings started the day. I said I was angry and happy. Angry that Dad had passed in a manner much like he lived his life; slovenly, drunk and disliked. Angry that even in his death he pretty much fucked up everything regarding his estate and lack of will/ last testament.
Happy might sound strange but at least he is not hated and hating on anyone now. Happy that he might now have some peace.

Happy that despite all the anger, I still managed to have a wonderful time with my family; some who I had never seen before and some who I had not seen in three to fifteen years. Last night in Gdansk I think about 5 -10 litres of Vodka were consumed. It was rather nuts!

31/1/2018
Whilst I’m in such an unwell state (that is to say, physically I’m running a low fever, persistent painful cough & heart arrhythmia, low and high blood pressure)
mentally i’m fighting a build-up of anxiety, lack of sleep, racing thoughts, increasingly intense emotional states, repressed stress.

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Teresa 504 054 869
Kartuska 84, Mieszkanie 12.

justin.pradier, [email protected]
Florian Geyer, 0401 219 727

Sarah and Jess
92 Metropolitan Rd, ENMORE NSW 2042

Rick Cavanough
Unit 2/11 Gabrielle St, KEARNEYS SPRING QLD 4350

Lincoln Saunders
Unit 2 / 64 Crystal St, PETERSHAM NSW 2049

Aaron Wyatt
2 Sunbury Rd, VICTORIA PARK, WA 6100

Cameron West
13 Ruskin Crt, ELTHAM VIC 3095

Amanda Campbell
Unit 31 / 8 Kadina St, NORTH PERTH WA 6006

Cynthia Rovati
Unit 1 / 44 Rowland Ave, WOLLONGONG NSW 2500

Sammy & Harry Evans
21a Joyce Avenue, WYOMING NSW 2250

Tracey & Eva Pearl Hayden, PO Box 613, DULWICH HILL NSW 2203

Mika Wasabi
U2, 14 Beach St, CLOVELLY NSW 2031

Marc Anthony
40 Jubilee St, GREENSLOPES QLD 4120

Trent Walker
118 Youpng St, ANNANDALE NSW 2038

Beatrix Quills, 170 Boundary Rd, GLOSSODIA NSW 2756

Adara Campbell, 66 Darley St, NEWTOWN NSW 2042

First impressions of Holland from the air. Yay for canals, canal irrigation, windmills and solar panels.

Haunted Science 19th September 2014

Paul blackout’s number [phone]
Kyle Davison [phone]

Szymon [phone]
Piotr: 510 274 175
Piotr Kuminski (Pruszcz) Student nad Lyceaum Arkitektura
Ciocia Ola: 692 173 166, 58 777 13 75
Lala @ Hospital: 58 686 05 15
Mariusz 602 200 973
Jeremi 880 865 016

Jacek Stankiewicz [phone]
Dad [phone]
Karol [phone]
Kyle Davison [phone]
Maximillian [phone]
Mikey Slaskie [phone]
Szymon [phone]
Piotr [phone]
Babcia [phone]

Dad Adress: ul Legnicka 26, Mieszkanie 6, 80-150, GDANSK, POLAND.
Mobile: [phone]
Home: +48 [phone]

Ania sister: [phone]
Bartek brother: [phone]
Mum: [phone]

Aunty Lala: Home: 68 000 70
Mobile: [phone]

Grandma Helena: 303 18 53
Anita Cousin: 602 184 826

Kielce Terror Squad
Fez & Nick Kellaway
17-24 September @ A’dam

Jon Hopkins – Immunity (Ambient and Techno soundscapes)
Black - It’s a Wonderful Life (1986)

• I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight

Wojtek Pilichowski band – (Bass Guitar)
Nikolai Tukehlev – Finnish born, Russian citizen- Hermit.

Www.prepperchimp.com

Movie “Words with Gods” 2014
Directed by 4 Jewish innovative directors.