Markus slowly strolled into the dark home with his wet shoes squeaking along the Spartan hardwood floor. The idea of remaining quite was far from his mind as the woman in the other room quickly turned up her head up.
“Hello?” she called out with a hint of fear, not expecting guests
Markus couldn’t find it in himself to answer. His thoughts and feelings were tainted from a past of pain that had become unintentionally linked to this woman. Panic had blanked his mind as he became more focused on the rain droplets falling from his fingertips.
No response came as the two both waited in silence.
Markus knew it was a bad decision to come.
“She’s not meant for you” he kept repeating to himself “seeing her is only going to make things worse” pressing his back against the wall.
Looking up into the ceiling Markus began to remise on his past relationship and the disappointments it held with it. It seems just like yesterday that the one he thought he loved cheated on him without hesitation and left him in an inescapable panic that he was worthless.
Sitting on the streets of Paris alone, the idea of suicide slowly started to become convincing. For hours on end, he roamed the streets on the early morning, aimless towards his direction, feeling as though he were homeless. He was disillusioned towards the things around him as he breathed deeply and attempted to calm himself as his heart raced with regret that he could allow someone into his life.
His stomach began to tighten with pain as he curled up into a ball on the ground and let the tears stream down into silent puddles upon the floor. He couldn’t find it himself to move.
Marie sensed his pain and began to feel distant as sh coursed her hands through her hair with a stressful apprehension “Why is he here?” she started to wonder.
Time started to turn slower and the space between the two seemed only to grow as the blinding fears of rejection took hold of their hearts.
Marie longed to be loved, but her understanding of it was dim. Markus had trodden down that path, but resented the idea beyond all measure; seeing it as a toxic attachment that made people dependent on one another, twisting their personal lives into a cycle of sustaining each other’s approval.
The Victorian style couch sat plotted in the middle of the room with famous copies of Van Gough and Piccaso hanging from the walls in styled coordination. Sat along the end, facing away from the door into the fireplace before and watched as the burning blames faded off into the chimney.
She started to think about Markus’s last words to her “Neither of us is capable of love, nor should we be”. The idea taunted Marie for the two days since she had seen him. The meaning behind it taunted her, for she truly believed that she was in love and wanted to share this. All her life her beauty had masked the intentions of those she encountered. Each relationship she established seemed only to be about fulfilling sexual desires, Markus though was different. He held a look in his eye that captured her imagination as his pupils appeared to be lost in a world filled with creativity. Every thought, every action was pursuing in a unique gesture, unlike anything she had seen before.
Marie ran her hand through her long flowing blond hair that shone mystically in the firelight. She gazed at the mirror across the room remising upon her button nose, soft cheeks, smooth soft jawline and curvaceous body that proportioned perfectly; features that convinced many men that they were in love. In these passing seconds though, that idea seemed to have faded, none of it mattered. In fact, as Marie looked in the mirror she noticed that for the first time she wasn’t critiquing her looks, but rather her beliefs of love. “It is really all a lie?” she asked herself, tears skimming down upon her cheeks.
On the coffee table before her lay a pile of self-educating books on the idea of love. From what she read it seemed that love was simply an addiction one holds to another to bring comfort to their own insecurities. It seemed baffling that such a label could be put on what she always thought was a wonderful thing.
Her obsession though didn’t stop there. She asked all her friends and family over what they thought, some told her of how it provided them with confidence they never knew they had whilst others described it as a torture that only brother more pain and confusion.
It seemed like there was no answer in sight. With every answer came further questions and complications. “Am I really meant to love or be loved?” she wondered
Down the hall, with his head in his hands, tears slowly trickling down, Markus struggled to answer that very question as well.
His feelings in his heart told him to go inside that room and embrace her tightly and set aside his beliefs and past for a blind trust that she wouldn’t hurt him. He’s felt this feeling before as his heart beat rapidly and his pupils went wide; sending his imagination into a deep spaced fantasy over his future with Marie.
He saw the two of them on a beached island in the middle of nowhere. The sky was a bright blue and the sun reflected brightly over the calm shore that extended out endlessly into the sea. Markus gazed down into Marie's bright green eyes as the two sat comfortably back on the beach, nestled in one another’s arms.
An unexplainable calmness settled in this moment as surrounding sights and sounds went dim. Neither shared a word but knew deep in their heart that they were each meant for each other. They didn’t have to do anything or show any special talent, just in the manner of their silence and energy an unbreakable connection was formed.
Markus sat in the hallway, blinded over what he was going to do. Each thought and idea that came to his head only drove him madder with insanity. He longed to make a decision, but couldn’t. He was weak and didn’t understand why.
Suddenly Markus felt the room shake as the shock of thunder rang through the room. This suddenly awakened him.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” he asked himself, longing to pound his head against the wall for being so stupid.
He stood up and paced back and forth in the dark hallway with his hands fidgeting and pupils wide as daydreams took control of his reality. He constantly kept thinking about one thing, Marie.
“Goddammit, just walk away. That’s all you have to do, she’s nothing.” said Markus as he pointed at the door.
Insanity was slowly taking its grip and the Marie felt it as she waited anxiously in the next room.
She sat by the fire with her eyes fixed on the doorway. She hadn’t seen Markus in two days. He was unlike anyone she had ever met. He was simplistic and forthright with opinions, kind beyond measure and most importantly independent. He wasn’t intimidated by her looks or filled with a misleading sense of lust.
All her life she had been famed for her beauty and she hated it as she became misplaced over what her role in society was, nothing seemed to make sense. Every talent and goal she had instantly became catered as the best just because of her looks.
Markus meanwhile, was a plump man with an oblong head and long hair. He was in no way a perfect match for Marie and he knew it.
In the back of his mind, he battled himself over what he was feeling. “Do you really like her?” he muttered under his breath.
The tainted thought of his past relationship which led to him being cheated on boiled his blood. Never in his life has he felt so worthless and disgusted with himself and he was not willing to ever return to that.
In his mind love was an addiction and nothing more. People spend too much time with one another to the point that without their partner’s presence they lose sight of who they are.
Markus had the scenario play out in his mind over and over. He would go in the room with open arms and embrace Marie tightly and promise to never let her go. The weeks following would lead to their addiction to each other gradually grow to the point of no return.
He shook his head upon this idea
“Not a chance” he choked, heading towards the exit and opening the door.
Outside the rain poured down. Markus stared out at the city streets and watched as the rain collected along into streams and puddles, endlessly flowing down without any direction.
“Perhaps that was the meaning?” He wondered “To flow down along in an organized fashion and follow the group with a sense of meaning rather than remaining in one place and hoping for something better.”
Markus has remained steadfastly alone for the past 5 years, heeding no commitment to anyone or anything in fear of developing an attachment. In this moment however he couldn’t find it in himself to move on. He was stuck.
Markus looked back upon entranceway with hardened eyes as he watched the flashes from the fireplace flicker through the doorway.
Marie’s heads dug deeply into the arms of the chair as she held back the desire to run up and greet Markus with a tight hug.
“Don’t” she said to herself “stay calm”.
She continued to listen as he gradually squeaked his way closer and closer, holding his breath. Before entering he stopped and glanced down at his shaking hands, wondering whether this was what he really wanted.
His stomach clenched with pain as he succumbed to a hidden calling buried deep inside his heart that pushed him through the doorway and into the light.
Marie turned around like a child who hadn’t seen her mother. Her innocence rang true through he sunken eyes that held back tears of joy.
This tore him to pieces far more then he thought of past emotions that had been masked through drugs and alcohol.
He promised himself never to put himself back in that state and focus on nothing but his individuality.
“Freedom is through non-attachment” he constantly repeated to himself.
Marie saw this as he stood before her with soaked clothes dripping down. His head and shoulders faced the floor and he leaned back against the side of the doorway facing the exit. Still, Marie’s heart was steady for he was here and that meant something.
“Why did you come back?” she finally asked, breaking the silence
“I don’t know” he replied in a low voice with his attention fixed on the golden chandelier above in an attempt to avoid making eye contact.
“Did you think about what I said?”
There was a long pause as Markus tried to sustain his emotions.
“There isn’t a second that goes by that I don’t. It’s killing me Marie.”
“So you feel the same way?” she asked quietly as she raised her head up.
Markus turned from her and tapped his head and his right fist lightly against the wall “Why can’t we just leave things the way they are?”
He took a deep breath “I think we would be a lot better off”.
Marie sat up from her chair and slowly stepped her way towards him. Markus looked up like a puppy that had been harmed “don’t” he said.
She didn’t listen, knowing deep inside he felt the same way.
“Stop”
She took his hand into hers and squeezed it tightly
“Why are you doing this to me” he said, tears streaking down
Marie moved in to kiss him but he placed his hand over her mouth and turned his face away “you’re only making me feel worse”
She felt crushed “I’m really sorry what happened to you...I am, but that doesn’t mean everyone is the same” she said letting go his hand and heading back towards the fire.
“I think you should just go...”
The veins in Markus’s eyes went red “What the hell do you want from me Marie? I know not everyone is the same, but why carry on like they should be? I know what love is like...it sucks. It only brings pain and dependence...is that going to bring either of us happiness?”
Marie couldn’t stop scratching her wrist, blind to the pain. She loved him and it tore her to hear him speaking like this “so what is happiness?” she stuttered, her eyes welled up with tears.
“I don’t have an answer for that. All I know is that it doesn’t involve anyone else.”
He clenched his hands as he attempted to hold back his inner desire to hug Marie and tell her it was all a lie, that he loved her and wanted to be with her forever.
“I lose sense over who I am. I become a shadow of my own reflection, observing and following, but unable to make decisions on my own when I fall for love. And when it’s gone and I’m all alone, I harm myself in frustration because I lose touch with who I am.”
“No one should be dependent on another, attachment only brings people apart. You know my past. I can’t go back to that.”
Marie threw a book at Markus “You’re not the only one to experience pain Markus”. “You think you’re the only one to get hurt?”
He hadn’t expected this type of response “I’m sorry, I really am. I didn’t mean to upset you”
Marie fell to the ground and tucked her head into her knees and cried uncontrollably.
He instinctively rushed over and laid his arms on her and she quickly started to breath easier.
Marie turned to face him “So what do you want from me?”
“Nothing”
Marie nodded
Markus walked up to her and felt the warmth of the fireplace greet him softly upon his skin. He kneeled down to Marie’s eye level and embraced her hands into his and locked his gaze with her glistening eyes.
The two went silent as an unscathed energy filled the air and through their tattered hearts, filling a void that had been disrupted by the idea that they were unworthy of love.
Each felt this, but didn’t dare to mention it.
Marie leaned in and Markus instinctively followed, connecting against her warm soft lips and let everything go.
The two fell back onto the floor and held each other tightly. They both knew in their minds it would never work but decided to ignore it as they succumbed to their comfortable illusion. They were in love.
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