Some of you may have noticed the poem my husband (@briancourteau) wrote this past weekend. If not, here it is https://steemit.com/poetry/@briancourteau/poem-to-my-wife-as-my-cancer-starts-to-win-the-battle. The title alone should tell you about my weekend then; "poem to my wife as my cancer starts to win the battle"
It's Monday today, almost noon, and I can hear him breathing, still sleeping in the other room. What's become my normal I realize, is really not so normal after all. Because, you see, I'm listening for his breathing....to make sure he is still breathing.
He has seizures which the doctors say are in relation to the tumour he has wrapped around his adrenal gland. After a seizure hits, he often stops breathing. I've lost count of the amount of times I have literally brought him back to life. One time, about four years ago, I came home to him having a bath, except he was fully submersed under water. There wasn't a ripple in the tub. The water was smooth as glass. I jumped in fully clothed and "heimliched" him until he finally began choking up water. That was when I decided to spend as little time as possible apart; mind you, we always have been happy to be together around the clock, but this was a conscious decision by me out of necessity. I've always been so thankful that we love each other enough to want to spend every minute together though, because I would never want you to think that I'm doing it because I have to. I'm doing it because I want to, because I love him so much.
You see, we were both unhappily married for years; me 24 years and Brian 18 years. We have only been together 8 years; 8 beautiful, loving, exciting and wonderful years; 8 years that I wouldn't trade for anything in this world....except maybe his health. I would do anything to have more time together, but I'm afraid the writing is on the wall, and my love, my life, is getting tired. And because I love him so much, I have to respect that fact. I have to respect the fact that he's tried for so long to ignore the pain, and that he can't do it forever. Sometimes I feel like having a toddler-sized tantrum about it all, but when my own son used to do that, I simply walked away. I'm assuming the same would happen to me, either that, or someone might pull out a straight-jacket.
So, I continue. I don't open the door to tantrums, but that is not to say I don't go out by myself for a long walk and cry. I do. A lot. Because in the end, this is not fair, and I can't do anything about it.
What I can do however, is appreciate every day, every hour, every second that we have together. Not just appreciate, but cherish them. I keep a journal and I write on here, so that I have a record of all of this, because I know one day he will be gone, and although I will never forget you @briancourteau, I know that your fear of being forgotten is big, and it's my job then to keep your memory alive. And I will, for our friends and family, but especially in my heart. Always in my heart.
So I would like to wish you a Happy Valentine's Day, but everyday I wake up with you beside me, is a Valentine's Day. Everyday I have to share with you, is a Valentine's Day.
Everyday, like now, when I can hear you sleeping and breathing, is the best Valentine's Day I could ask for.
(Credit: YouTube, Isaac Tan, Valentines Day 2018)
I love you. Now I know you live outside the norm. You take care of me and I truly worship you. Hugs and kisses. Look I am still breathing
aww you can even make me smile here:)
Happy Valentines Day to you both every day!... We all have witnessed what it really means to be in love!
Thank you @davemccoy! I appreciate your kindness every day:)
I really appreciate how much you love your husband. You hear lots of stories from random people or on tv about the "old ball and chain." It's a depressing view on marriage. It's encouraging to hear your positive view of marriage.
Little known fact: @themanwithnoname can cry. :'(
Praying for you two!
Aww @themanwithnoname...I didn't mean to make you cry, but I'm glad we could give you a nice picture of what marriage should look like :) Thanks for the prayers also...we'll gladly take them!
I wish you both the best valentine there can be ~ being with one another
Thank you so much @livinguktaiwan; I appreciate your thoughts:)
Awesome Lynnie, a great response to a great poem. I just want you guys to know I'm here for you both. Even if you just need a favour or just need to get away. The pool is here to have a sun-day if Brian feels up to it. Love you both and think about all the good times we have had. :)
Thank you so much @deancarter; you are a true friend and we are both so glad to have you here! I'm hoping to take you up on the pool day as soon as possible. Love you too buddy...we have had some pretty amazing times, haven't we?? :)
Heartbreaking @lynncoyle1. I can't even begin to imagine how it feels to wait for something so devastating. I think you two were brought together to experience something wonderful, the love you share, and you can carry this with you. Lots of love to you both.
Thank you so much @leighleigh! I think you are right, and I really appreciate your kindness for saying such nice things here:)
Oh man, yalls story is sure a tough one. You two are amazing, I truly mean that. Your love is so strong, and so are you, even if at times it doesnt seem it. Your tantrum is fully acceptable in my eyes, its not fair what you go through. Its not fair to find your true love and only get 8 short years to love each other. My husband and I met 5 short years ago, both coming out of terrible unhappy relationships as well and I cant imagine ever losing him. Once again, you guys are in my heart, my thoughts and especially my prayers. #fuckcancer
Thank you so very much @smylie2005! I appreciate your understanding of my tantrum idea:)...I think you are empathic of our situation for sure. We both appreciate your kind words, thoughts and prayers.
<3
Your story almost seems like every tragic love story of old, you find love only to have it ripped away. So sorry for what you are having to deal with, but so happy you found each other and had these 8 years together.
I never thought about it like that; Brian is a real romantic and will certainly like your version of things:) Thank you for your kindness; I really appreciate it!
Ahh Lynn! Sending you both hugs, love and healing energy! You both remain in my thoughts and prayers!
Thank you Roger! I really appreciate your words...and we'll take the hugs, love and healing energy!!
It's not often I'll come across something that can make me feel so many emotions at once...
Utter sadness for your plight,
sheer joy for your love,
seething anger at the cruelty of life,
blissful peace in seeing your husband's acceptance.
Your story moves me in so many ways, I cannot help but acknowledge that, no matter what happens, your love will be enough to carry you through. I genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, believe in the both of you.
Sending up a prayer before bed tonight. All the best.
Thank you so much @aetirnel! Your comment made me cry (in a good way:) It's so true...it's all a real mix of emotions. We both appreciate your words very very much though. Thank you again!
I read the poem and it was honestly disturbingly beautiful..BUT! And the But is bigg you are wrong!! Accept everything accept the pain the cancer the good the bad!! Accept and love everything and don’t set your mind to failure!! You guys are going to grow old and grey together and there is nothing that will stop you from doing that!! Don’t contemplate the past and unhappy marriages or events! All of those situations if they didn’t happen wouldnt have brought you guys together so instead of accepting and fighting whatever is negative try and embrace all!!! The bad especially because weren’t it for the bad and ugly in life love wouldn’t feel so sweet !! I truly belive that and even if I sound bold and not in my place you should both embrace life because all what happens in it leads to what you are now! Much love and happiness for you two!
Thank you @lidac; we definitely do embrace all of it. We've both said if it wasn't for all the 'shit', we wouldn't be where we are now:) I sure hope you're right !!
@lynncoyle1, Thankyou for sharing this post with us, so moving, sorry to hear what you are going through. You sound so strong but I know that it must be so hard ♥
Thank you so much @janique...yes sometimes it is very difficult, but I have no path to choose but to continue moving forward. Thank you again, I appreciate that:)
You make me believe in love again @lynncoyle1 and @briancourteau. I wish you a happy Valentines. I just read his poem and it's so beautiful. It really touched my heart!
I'm so glad we've got you believing in love again!!! Happy Valentine's Day to you as well. Yes, Brian's poem was beautiful! He read me your reply and we thought it was perfect! Thank you :)
Love makes the world go round.
Thank you so much @irvinesimages! It sure does:)
@lynncoyle1, appreciate your honest thoughts and feelings being shared publicly here. This is truly an intense love that we should all cherish forever. Praying for overflowing goodness and love to encapsulate you two in the coming days. Hugs xx
aww thank you so much @heartscally!! I really appreciate that :)
Aww this is so beautiful and heartfelt. It warmed up my heart. That's how I feel about my husband. May some miracle happen and takes away his cancer for good giving him good health. Ameen
I'm so happy for YOU to have found someone so special!! We really are the lucky ones:)
I appreciate your thoughts and prayers also...all of it helps I'm sure.
We are very lucky for sure. So much love and light for you and your husband. :)
This is beautiful and l can tell straight from the heart. I am a cancer prostate survivor and I also received a new heart in 2015. My prayers are with you.
Thank you so much! I guess you really are a "luckyfellow" then for sure:) Thank you for your positive story and prayers; we both appreciate it very much :)
What a heartfelt and sincere post. You both must be having to reach deep down to be as brave as you are in the face of such a tremendous challenge. Sending my warmest regards and I hope that the tide turns and the shores of good health are soon in sight. God bless you both.
Thank you so much @mudcat36. Your words are beyond kind and very beautiful....and I hope your hopes are right:)
You and now your love is documented on this blog and on the internet never to be lost. I'm so happy you both got the chance at this deep happiness together. Neither will ever forget it. Soul mates are together for all time. Just know you both are in my thoughts. Wishing you happiness through the tough times. <3
How did I miss your comment??!! Thank you so much for your kind thoughts! You know, there was a time in my life when I didn't believe in soul mates (I actually wrote an amazing poem to Brian and that was my first line, then when I went to go back to it, it hadn't saved on my computer:(....Anyway, I obviously am a believer now. Thank you again:)
Oh, my friend you are so very welcome. I like you went through a 17 year disaster. And again like you I have met the other half of my soul. At times it's hard to see that there could be anyone who fits you so completely. You both are very special souls never to be parted. <3
I'm so happy for you two then also!! The longer I'm with the Brian, the more I wonder how I stayed married to 'that' other guy for so long. It's a puzzle to me now :)
I know. Life is kinda out of sync at times. I know I stayed married for so long because he was the type to threaten me with taking my girls from me. It came to point where I had to have that confidence in myself that I could win any challenge. I like you wonder how I managed to stay in that. I do find myself blessed by the people who are in my life. <3
Good for you...that kind of life chips away at your esteem; I'm glad you found the strength to get out. It makes the people in our lives today so much more valuable :)
You and Brian share a love that will last forever @lynncoyle and you cement that fact even further by writing your thoughts down and bravely sharing them with your friends here in Steemit. You write so beautifully and I'm sure what you do write is just a fraction of the wealth of memories stored within you which will remain with you forever. 8 years is so short but when you break them down to days and minutes, that's a huge treasure trove of precious memories which will help to ease the pain significantly.
Thank you so much @trudeehunter! That's exactly what we needed to hear:) I really appreciate your thoughtfulness!
Thank you for allowing us to reach out to you both in your time of emotional need. Hugs for othe two of you. 💖💖
internet hugs right back atcha! :)
Received with thanks.
This is so beautiful, we are bending the rules and wishing you both a happy valentines day! I know all of our teammates and curation trail would agree!
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Thanks to everyone at #newbieresteemday :) I'm so glad to be a part of this amazing team!!
Oh Lynn....bless you bless you bless you....and bless your hubby too. I lost a very dear awesome good friend to ovarian cancer start of 2017. It is a cruel cruel joke this cancer stuff. Bless you both. Know that the love you 2 share is felt with just this post. I am in awe.
Thank you so much @luanne; I really appreciate your kindness here. I'm so sorry about your friend also. There really are no reasons for this cruelty called cancer, is there? I'm glad you can 'feel' the love here here!
Yw. There is no rhyme or reason to it. Another friend's teen athletic daughter was found to have cancer in her leg. She's got a steel rod making up the majority of her leg now. While another friend's sister who was pregnant at about 33, was discovered to have 4th stage colon cancer and passed shortly after discovery. It's truly heartbreaking!!
my heart goes out to you and your husband <3 <3 of course no words will do but just wanted to send love and good vibes to you both. :) my thoughts and prayers are with you
Thank you so much @amariespeaks...your words are perfect! I know it's hard to know 'what' to say, but the outpouring from yourself and everyone here has been awe inspiring. I appreciate it more that words can say!
Happy Valentine @lynncoyle1 and @briancourteau, true love is in the air, no matter hard the situations still Love stronger I admire. Keep fighting and believing, miracles is miracle. who knows? God is good all the time.😊
Thank you so much @sweetcha! I really appreciate your words here; and you're right! Who knows what can happen with all the positive thoughts and prayers coming our way from everyone here? It really is amazing! Thank you again;)
You are much welcome dear @lynncoyle1 if anything I can do for you, just let me know ...even if you need a clown I offer myself, just ping me at discord @sweetcha#6664...wishing you peace and happiness.😊
@Originalworks
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Thank you!!
Thank you so very much @appreciator...I can't believe it took me so long to say that! I really appreciate it:)
I really like this post lynncoyle1! keep it up!
thank you
great content. like it.
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What a beautiful love story. It is sad at the moment. But as soul mates your time together will not end. Happy Valentines day to you both. Never fear being forgotten you have now become a permanent part of Steemit and internet itself. My thoughts and prayers are with you both.
Thank you so much @seareader1! And thank you for recognising us as soul mates; I'm forever grateful for meeting mine, and you're right, being memorialised here!
What a lovely (and sad) post. People's capacity for bravery and positivity never ceases to amaze me. As an internet stranger, I don't think that there are any words I can find to help your situation, but I am sure that many will find you and Brian to be inspirational.
I wish you both all the best.
Well 'internet stranger', your words made me smile...so that's something for sure! I really do appreciate you stopping by here @matbaker; it took me a while on here to divulge the information about @briancourteau being sick, but I did it because I really feel that this is a safe and positive community. There are things I post here that I never would on facebook for example; the support we've gotten from everyone, including yourself, has given me "inspiration", and for that, I thank you!
Sometimes, it is easier to talk to people that you don't know so well. Only sometimes. But I would think here, because you are free of the shackles of intimacy, you can say exactly what you are thinking, without the need for the self-censoring that we all do when we communicate with loved ones. If that makes sense! It does to me. I am not sure I expressed that very well.
I am really happy that you have found this environment so positive, and I am happy that I made you smile.
I feel the love you share between the both of you. May all your time together be the best times filled with love and great memories to come. Life is a gift and I see that you both make the most of it. I don't have the words to make things ok with everything that is happening, I don't have the power to change it and make it better and I wish I did. All the love to you both and all the strength that is needed to make it through. May there be many many many valentine days to cherish xx
aww geez @foxyspirit..you made me tear up, in a good way. Those are some very kind, thoughtful and heartfelt words you have for me, and although they're not going to change the situation Brian and I are in here, they did make us both smile and warm our hearts. And for that, I am eternally grateful. Live life everyday, we say; in the end, it's all you've got. Thank you again! internet hugs
INTERNET HUGS BAAAACK!!!!!! You both are great people! Amazing people. I tip my hat to you both :).
Dear @lynncoyle, thank you for letting me read this! My insides hurt with yours! Mere words are woefully inadequate! Just gulp and enjoy every moment you have together! Continue to make deliberate memories in your writings and photos! Make frequent deposits into the Memory Bank account because one day, memories are all we will have! I know! I know the pain of losing my "oxygen", "soul mate", "reason for being". It's those precious memories that sustain! Huggs Girl!
Thank you so much for this @kismet2018, and I am so sorry to hear that you completely understand what it is I am going through. Unfortunately, I feel your pain as well. Life sure isn't fair, is it? But you are right...we're continuing living every day and I sincerely hope that the memories keep me sustained when I'm on my own. internet hugs right back atcha!
Well you were right @lynncoyle1. There were more tears to come and I am only two post in with catching up on the story. Not that I am ever glad for your sitiation but the fact you will have these between him and you will forever stay for you to come back to, is good. I am sending all of the positive vibes and love that I can. You two are so strong and show all of us just what is really important and how we should really live our lives.
Aww thank you so much @magicalmoonlight!! And I am sooooo appreciative for you taking the time to go back and read all of this stuff. That really means a lot to both Brian and I.
Sorry that I was right too ;)