Greetings to everyone...
First of all, I want to say thank you for all of your support in my introduction post. I am very thankful.
As I scrolled my albums today, one video catches my attention. Wow, time flies so fast. It's been more than six years since I became a mom. At first, I don't know how to become a mom. I don't know how to deal with it. But then I discover that even if nobody teaches you, you will learn everything on your way.
We, parents, have a big responsibility to our children. We need to give their needs like food, shelter, clothing, education, and health care. Everything is not easy, especially at this time of the pandemic. I will give you a short brief story about my pregnancy and how am I as a mother.
I was studying in college when I got pregnant. I don't tell anyone about it, especially my parents. They found it out when my tummy was almost six months. Everything was very hard, especially my problem with my ex which I mentioned in my introduction post. Of all the people I needed aside from my parents was him as the father of our baby but sad to say he failed. When my mom discovered that I am pregnant I don't hear anything from her but take good care of myself and the baby. I kissed her and cried. During my first prenatal, ultrasound until I gave birth she was there for me. Although she was very mad and upset she never leave me.
My pregnancy was not that healthy. My blood pressure was always 80/60, my weight was just 48 kgs and I even collapsed two times. I gave birth on July 03, 2015, and my son was directly admitted to one of the private hospitals in the City. He had oxygen, dextrose, and a tube in his mouth. In this photo, they had already taken the oxygen and the dextrose, it's only the tube left.
Being a mother is a difficult role. You need to manage the family, be a nurse to them, you're a teacher to your children, a caregiver, and the world's best chef. We also need to serve their emotional and physical needs and protect them from abusive people.
It was not that hard to take care of my son because my parents were there but my postpartum depression almost killed me. Although my parents helped me with my son they don't help me while I struggled with my mental health. They told me it was your mistake, it was your choice where it's true. I can't forget my mom told me " I don't know where you are in my heart because I love our neighbor more than you" those words hit me so bad. They get mad easily at me, especially my mom. I can't blame my parents, I can't blame her because I understand them. I even hate myself. It came up in my mind to leave the house and bring my son with me but where should I go? It is not because my parents mad at me I need to leave. What will happen to my son? It's not just about me anymore. If I need to decide I am going to decide not only for myself but for my son also.
He doesn't understand me but I always talked to him. I always tell him that I am really in pain where I don't have anyone to talk to but only him. I forgot to be me since I became a mother. I no longer set goals. I no longer have hobbies. I'm stopping what I'm doing for myself. I no longer care about my needs. I rarely fix myself. I no longer know about passion or what will make me happy. I hate to take photos of myself because I know I looked so ugly.
I don't mean all of the mothers out there but if you become a mother you will forget everything about yourself and prioritize your child their needs are more important than yours.
One day, he, sees me crying he knew how to wipe my tears. He knew how to keep me calm with his hugs.
This is the video I told you about that caught my attention. I made it last year during my son's birthday. I used the song "God gave me you".
Due to ownership restrictions, my video was blocked in the following countries where they own the rights. I apologize.
This makes me emotional while writing because I can't believe that through this I can express my feelings. I am not a perfect mom. I am not a perfect woman but I try to do good as I can. To my mom, I love you so much. You may be mad at me, curse me, or talk painful words at me but you never failed as my mom even if I failed to be your daughter. I don't have the right to get mad at you because now I realized that it's not easy being a mother. I was upset before but I was very wrong. One thing I knew from my heart is that to be a good mother while my heart is broken was one of the hardest roles I ever had to play.
It's great you have found an outlet here for your feelings, thank you for the refreshing honesty.
You didn't make a mistake, unplanned pregnancy isn't a 'mistake' , its just something that happened, it's simply unplanned, so don't see it , or yourself in such a negative light!
You also didn't 'fail' your mum. Failing means to do wrong or hurt someone intentionally and you did neither of those things so you didn't 'fail'.
All this negative use of language runs off and affects the way we think about ourselves so change the way you think about the events and you may help think about yourself in a more positive way which can only be good for your state of mind.
Best wishes... :-)