As a guy, I have heard so many different men and women make claims about what “all” men are like. The kinds of generalities that I’ve heard range from little habits or tendencies to major moral issues. I would like to set a few things straight. The reason I want to set these things straight is because some men choose to use these ideas of “all men (insert assumption here)” as excuses to do exactly what all men do, while many women take these things to heart, and then treat all men with disdain, because the relatively few men they have met do certain things that seem to confirm that “all men” are like this. On the other side of the spectrum are the REAL men who don’t fit these stereotypes. Now, to put this in perspective, if anyone said all Latinos, or all Asians, or all women, (or all of any other group for that matter), the person who made such claims would be considered prejudiced (racist, sexist, etc.). When it comes to lumping all men good or bad in to the same category simply because they’re men, it is perfectly acceptable, and some psychologists even make fortunes writing books about “all men”.
Fallacy number one: All men will look around even if they are in a committed relationship.
This is simply not true. While it is true that men have a biological urge to look at women, especially if they are exposing certain areas of their bodies; that does not mean that there are any thoughts about these women or that they will then take those images and fantasize about them through the rest of the day.
The facts:
- A man who is satisfied by the woman he is in a relationship with, will not have a predisposition to look at other women. The biological instinct is suppressed by his sense of satisfaction. If a man begins to stray in any way, he is not satisfied for some reason. This does not mean the woman is at fault, but that he has decided that there is something he is not getting in the relationship. Most men who stray have likely not told their mate that there is something that they want (or need) that they are not getting. In some of those cases, the man may not even realize that this is the case.
- Single men of reproductive age are hardwired to seek a permanent mate. To this end, they look around at every woman that comes into range. This is a biological urge, and as such is subject to both rational and instinctive controls. The reason for this is that everyone has an instinctive need to be loved. To feel loved, a person needs stable relationships. A permanent mate provides the most stable long term source of love. Until the man feels enough of a connection to a single woman to convince him that she will satisfy him, he will continue to look around.
Warning: Women, if you are in a relationship with a guy who is still looking at other women, or dating others, he has not felt that needed connection with you, and you should not commit to him unless/until he stops, or you WILL get hurt. If you are married to a man who has started looking around (whether pictures or real women), there is something that he needs satisfied. As I said, he may not even be aware of what want or need is not being met, so you will have to get creative if the direct approach results in an “I don’t know”, or a “nothing” response. I suggest surprising him with various things both in and out of the bedroom to see if he stops. I don’t say this to imply it’s the woman’s responsibility or fault, but because if he genuinely doesn’t know why his interest is drifting, he’ll need help to discover it.
Fallacy number 2: Men think about sex almost constantly.
This is another ridiculous idea. Unfortunately, it is one of those that psychologists like to claim is true. I’ve even heard a claim that men think about sex about every 2 seconds. Naturally the frequency differs with each “study” or survey, but they all seem to think that men are obsessed with sex. Fruedian much?
Fact:
- Men do think about sex. So do women. The truth is that most men don’t think about sex constantly. There are relatively few men who actually make sex their major preoccupation. Most men wouldn’t be able to do anything constructive if their entire focus was sex. When men are thinking about sex, they make far more mistakes with everything from complex tasks to walking. Yes, even basic motor functions can be impaired when sex is on the mind, especially if that is not the activity being pursued. There is a reason that when men are looking over their shoulder at a woman who looks seductive they will trip, or have some other kind of accident.
Fallacy number 3: When any man sees a beautiful woman, he will fantasize about her for the rest of the day, even while making love to his wife.
REALLY?? That’s news to me.
Facts:
- There is a difference between seeing a beautiful woman, and finding her attractive enough to cause him to fantasize at all, let alone all day long. Generally, when a man sees a woman who has that effect on him, he will talk to her to discover if she is compatible in other ways. A man in a committed relationship, and who is satisfied will not even think about such a woman, except perhaps for a vague recognition of her beauty; and that would not remain beyond the moment of recognition. Once out of sight, she would no longer be even a conscious memory to him.
- Sorry, ladies, but men don’t fantasize about every woman who looks nice. In fact, not all men consider the same things beautiful.
Fallacy number 4: All men want to spread their seed around.
No. Sorry.
Facts:
- The only guys who want to spread their seed; i.e. mate with as many women as possible – are the ones who have either given up on finding a woman who can complete them, or have given in to the instinctual cravings that are meant to aid in finding a compatible woman. These kind of guys give the rest of us a bad name. These are the guys who have decided to use sexual pleasure as a drug to pacify their desire to have love, and most likely subscribe to all of the previous fallacies, as well as those to follow. Those in this category who actually give up the single life typically subscribe to the “look but don’t touch” philosophy, because they have settled for someone who they don’t really believe can fill their needs and wants, typically after coming to the rational conclusion that sex alone isn’t enough. This is a great disservice to the women they marry, as it prevents the woman in this relationship from finding a man who satisfies all of her wants and needs; thus she is settling for a man who meets the surface expectations, but will never truly be her mate.
- Men crave a stable source of love and affection. When they don’t have that stable source, they will continue to look around, in an attempt to find that stable mate.
Now, here is the rest of the truth.
Every man and woman craves one person who will complete them; fulfilling all of their wants and needs. Each of us male and female have this same drive, and sense that there is a single special someone for us. This is instinctive, and is the reason for all of the love stories ever written about strangers meeting, and falling madly in love rapidly. It is the reason that many people hold to the belief that everyone has one perfect soulmate; a person who is their ideal match. While there are a great many (even the majority, perhaps) people who are poor choices for any given person, There are likewise many with whom any given person would be able to be satisfied with. Finding the “right one” is less a matter of fate, or being in the right place at the right time, and more a matter of weeding out those who you are incompatible with, to find one with whom you are compatible. From there, it’s entirely a matter of mutual effort to find those wants and needs that you can fill. Once this filling of needs begins, and as long as both partners continue to look for other areas that still haven’t been filled, the newness of the relationship will never fade, and neither partner will ever look around for satisfaction they are not getting at home.
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