When I was a young boy I didn't have the greatest of childhoods. I wont go into much depth but there's grievances and bereavement and all sorts in there to do with father figures. My dad didn't want children, and figuring out that one was another layer of self hate to overcome.
You see, your parents don't need to say anything, we actually display our feelings and intentions through our actions and that's how kids learn best. If we show lots of love, then kids will feel it. And also, the inverse will be the same too.
That aside growing up was quite lonely. The path my parents had set me on was one of conflict. Conflict of the mind, the soul, and anything else that was supposed to be wholesome but not quite right for me. Bear in mind my situation is not dissimilar to millions of other people. I'm just one of the lucky ones to have worked through the turmoil and came out lucky on the other side.
My mother, bless her soul was very loving, but was also selfish. That meant in childhood her needs came before mine. Of course I always tell my own wife that if we aren't looking after ourselves then we won't be able to be "full" enough to 100% look after our child. But she puts herself on second peg regardless. I do really admire my wife.
And I've realised this about how men and women in relationships work together. A woman is free to grow and prosper and commit to her children through a mans love. It's through male love that women are "contained" - a great video on this would be from Teal Swan.
And because I basically grew up in a single parent family then my mother lacked the masculine containment she needed to grow and focus on me. Of course I'm not blaming her, and it is what it is. She tried her best with the tools and resources that she had.
But with no father being in the home, mum always a nervous wreck and worrying always about the state of affairs, this mindset transcended onto me. I didn't have the time to grow as a child that I needed and rather than experiment with life I was too bogged down with adult worries that realistically shouldn't have been mine whatsoever.
Thus I grew up not really knowing much love in the family. I didn't understand much about commitment. And although I was loyal to my friends I was always flaky and seen the world more-so as black and white rather than several shades of grey.
So when I met my wife after almost 10 years of being on my own, having to fend for myself, with only the childhood I had -- it was hard to grasp the concept that someone would love me for me and not for what I could give them. It was a really weird transition at the beginning. To feel loved for the first time in my life -- properly loved.
My wife never had any of this trauma growing up. Her family has taken me on almost as a lost son that they never had, and I feel a strong system of support from them that I never really had as a child. I for the first time in my life have felt a level of safety and harmony with my place in the world that I never have done before.
And it's through that I've been able to make the transition to loving myself as the way I am. Previously, I would hazard a bet that if it were not for my wife I would probably still dislike the person that I am today, but because of the deep family support network she came with I no longer feel as if I am fending for myself, and it's through that I've actually been able to grow into loving the person that I am, and the people around me.