@tygertyger, you have a keen eye: I am much obliged. Both with this observation and the last regarding the word "sombre" I could not help but feel the need to alter the pieces you indicated felt odd in the piece!
In this case, those two lines were intended to contrast the severity of the beginning with something bright. However, it seemed to actually weaken the piece's overall effect!
Actually, it seemed best to simply remove those two lines and redivide the stanzas. Seems a bit more cohesive & flows better now, I think. Thank you again :-D
Not sure if it is an eye it's more like when I read stuff I feel its vibration like movement or like I move through it ... then sometimes there is a wall or snag of sorts. Like stumbling on a path that makes you look what it was that made you fall :) glad I was useful :D