Old memories of life
your soul crisps
but no remorse
thin layers all around
you play the
game to lose
and everything resolves
in a finite and
vibrant tone
like music of clearness
and despair
hold tight my love
a breath
cleanse fresh.
The space that holds the time
all good and dread
the need to flea
your inner lies
so you can heal
through time
of everything unbound.
hold tight my love
a breath
cleanse fresh.
Grasp in your hand
that aging wine
shake it awhile
breath in
avoid the night
you hear it now
the sound
painting
a colored cloud
sky is all around
give it some rest
you are just a man
defining logic
the space has only grow
you still stand there
when everyone is gone.
hold tight my love
a breath
cleanse fresh.
thank you for reading.
good flow, very musical, but im a bit lost for the meaning ) Upped
It is about supporting those that are losing hope.
So I failed :)
I will try harder for my next. It gives me the opportunity to get better in writing.
practice makes perfect.
thank you so much for criticizing my work.
<3
I would only have the hold tight part at the end: so that its effect isn't diminished. Also, I would set it out so that phrases are not so cut up:
"Old memories of life.
Your soul crisps
but no remorse.
Thin layers all around.
You play the game to lose
and everything resolves in a finite and vibrant tone,
like music of clearness and despair.
The space that holds the time:
all good and dread.
The need to flea your inner lies,
so you can heal through time of everything unbound.
Grasp in your hand that aging wine.
Shake it awhile; breath in; avoid the night.
You hear it now:
the sound painting a coloured cloud.
Sky is all around.
Give it some rest:
You are just a man defining logic.
The space has only grow {grown?}
You still stand there when everyone is gone.
Hold tight my love,
A breath cleanse fresh. "
After reading it a few times, I realised what you were trying to convey in the second stanza. I think that you were trying to convey that long tone that happens sometimes when a TV channel ends and that made me think of someone watching tv all alone and depressed, into the early hours. I think you could re-work it so that it's slightly clearer. It's poetry so it doesn't have to be so clear that the average person gets it-just slightly clearer.
You have the potential to write great poetry but at the moment I feel like I'm looking at a great picture through the wrong prescription glasses!
you have no idea how much I appreciate this. I am not a native english speaker. therefor please excuse me if I have made mistakes. I am just trying to evolve my skills.
Thanks for taking the time to correct my text. this means so much for me.
I will follow you.
:)
how can I ever repay you!