I really do not so much care about my government or people who rule me. I care for direct interactions with teachers, state officials, policemen, judges, bosses, clients etc. etc. wherever and whenever I meet them. Situational.
When I was unemployed and the man behind the desk began to suggest "what we now must find out for you... " I said to him: "Listen, I know that's your job and I thank you. But I am very well aware of what I want and what I don't want for my working life. I make it easy. I have an idea and a plan. I prefer not to hear from you so often and instead appreciate when you give me job offers which match exactly what I have in mind."
I was witnessing him breathing more easy and relieved that I took the burden from his shoulder to pretend that he could guide me. The state is not my father and neither my mother.
My bank refused to give me credit when I needed three rents from them for my new landlord. I went there and set it clear. So they gave it to me.
My boss wanted to exclude me from staff meetings and I told her that I was there to learn something and not to look from the outside. So she afterwards included me in the meetings. She actually made a joke about me, as I was crossing the borders of my profession and poked my nose into matters for which I was not responsible. My answer was: "But that's why you hired me. You know that I do care for the people and the company as a whole. I get into trouble and that's the way it goes." At another time I disobeyed and said I won't do a certain task as I did not see it as my responsibility. We respect each other, I work there now for seven years.
A colleague wanted me to do her inconvenient work and I told her she should do her stuff and not bother me with it. We became very good colleagues after all.
I insisted to get another job at a place I really had loved to become a part of. They told me: "Impossible. You do not bring the required education and the city binds us to this requirements." I said: "Fine, than hire me as a freelancer and let's try a few hours a week." They agreed and actually created a fully new position for me. I work there for six years.
I rejected a job offer at a rich finance company, where I could have my company car, cell phone, bonuses and leading my own marketing department. I was not interested, finance bores me to death and I am not a friend of high finances.
Police stopped me on my way to my family, two hours away from my town. They told me the back lights were broken (both!) and gave me an escort for the rest of the way, which were about 30 kilometers.
Another occasion, it was in the middle of the night, I was grumpy as I gave my friend a ride to his work and then lost my way in the city and ran over a stopping sign. The officer stopped me and I gruntled at him that I can't find the damn way and if he knew the directions. He gave them to me and wished me a good night.
I could go on and on.
You see, you always speak of authenticity but nowhere I can feel nor sense it in what you describe as true in your life.
Of course, I was traumatized, insulted, being taken advantage of, disrespected and accused of whatnot. But that doesn't mean I am a victim. Of course there are forces I cannot influence. But I prefer to interact within the systems I can get my hands on.
Now, is there anything similar you can tell ME?
I know you're looking for personal anecdotes, but I don't think and talk that way. I prefer to speak of philosophy, principles, ideas. My own life is one in 7 billion and utterly uninteresting. I'm concerned with things of a higher order, and I seek to be one small expression of that. To find the stories you're looking for I'd have to go digging around in my past, which I find unbearably boring and profoundly distasteful.
I found a video I think you would like. I'm working toward embodying the spirit of this woman's perspective (even though I resent having to), because I recognize it as necessary and wise:
How can you be a small expression of a higher order, when you cannot recall personal events in which this order showed itself in practice? Practice doesn't mean to talk with people about failures in reference of a higher order. It means to practice to overcome your own difficulties in interactions without bothering them with theirs or those of third parties.
Are you saying no matter where you worked, where you were embedded in a family or social system you did not make a difference? How then can you explain that two facilities with the same proportions of staff and the same tasks (like hospitals, for instance), can create such different outcomes in the view of the people? If it not were for the different people in the system with their personal histories? Imagine yourself as a radiate part of the system from where everything and everybody around you is being influenced by what you do or omit (think and feel). From you it's being transported to the next and from there to the next, and so forth. Are you saying no matter if you have a bad day or a good day that those around you are unaffected by it?
How can you even be taken seriously by me if you perceive yourself as insignificant? Your higher principles are not applied alive if you cannot tell personal stories where your aspired ideals are reflected. Why should I listen to what you say when you are not an example to me?
You seem to consider it void what you or I as individuals contribute to the whole system. But we form the matrix of our human coexistence. I see it as being an important part of my system, because everything I do or do not do has an effect. Philosophy loses its meaning and power, if you see it merely as a subject of discussion. How everything becomes impoverished and philosophical without depth if you do not practice it.
Practise? What does that mean for you? Talk about what's going on in your mind? The practice of compassion becomes weak when you consider your existence to be small, your past as distasteful. You don't want to be you then, but someone else?
Actually you point the finger at your fellow human beings who are not like the woman from the video or the philosopher or another ideal. You seem contradictory to me because, on the one hand, you imply that you are already ideally suited, on the other hand, you cannot give examples that tells such things.
So how should I understand you? Our dialogue reflects your distaste to name real episodes, your answer a renewed rejection. But at least an answer to which, unfortunately, I can only ask again: who am I actually talking to? Why should I continue to be interested in this dialogue? Everything that you mention and that is not Brian, I can research on the net myself. Whether it is about higher principles, searching for truth or anything else, everything is already out there. The only thing I don't find are anecdotes of a personal Brian nature, because only everyone can tell the narratives themselves and thus enrich the whole thing.
About my anger: Mostly you have nothing to do with it. It's my frustration to not having overcome the distance between you and me and my inability to express myself in a supportive way which creates understanding. I try not to stick to it and see in this dialogue a chance to practice being less flawed. But if I fail, it's not your fault, neither mine. It's just a matter of process in which there is no end. A failure it only becomes if I consider it a failure and fix this in time.
The reason why I'm reluctant to share personal experiences is because I reject the idea that they are relevant. If a person says "When washing dishes, one should use soap and warm water for best results, instead of a dry stone", the validity and efficacy of that information is independent of the speaker's having exemplified its efficacy in practice. Think on it yourself. Try it for yourself. Investigate to see if it's true. The idea is to be judged on its own merits, not that of the speaker.
Yes, the information I provide is available elsewhere. I consider myself a radio, broadcasting a message that I have not created; something that is being broadcast by many other individuals. But someone may come into my range who would not have come by this information anywhere else. I am merely trying to carry this information into my sphere of influence.
I absolutely DO embody what I speak about, and one of the ways I do this is by speaking these ideas. I attempt to make my influence in any circumstance representative of that message. So whereas people may have carried on a conversation about compulsory schooling under the assumption that it's moral, appropriate, and beneficial, my presence will introduce an alternative viewpoint that casts doubt upon that unfounded set of assumptions.
I also remove my support from institutions and practices that are not in accord with Truth and morality. I do not vote or appeal to politicians. I do not call the police to enforce immoral laws upon others. I do not support the vile practices of the meat and dairy industry with my dollars or participation. I would not send my children to school, but for the fact that my wife would destroy my family if I imposed this action without her consent, and I have yet to garner her consent because she is too insecure to step outside the conformist paradigm.
I do, however, raise the issue constantly, and teach my children the truth: that teachers have no rightful authority over them, and they have no responsibility to follow any of their commands because they never consented to the arrangement that would imply the obligation. I teach them to challenge what's being asserted by teachers when they bring home information that's erroneous or deceptive. I teach them what that ritualistic oath known as "The Pledge of Allegiance" actually means, and let them know they need not participate, nor should they feel compelled to take oaths they do not understand or agree with.
There need not be any distance between us. I would prefer to both look out into the world hand-in-hand and try to figure out what we're looking at. Is the sun an LED light bulb in the sky, or a flaming ball of fire? There is a truth to this matter, as all others, and together we should seek to find it. When we do, we will necessarily agree; and if we are not in agreement, it only means the work is not yet complete on that particular subject.
Two years later.
I owe you an apology.
I think I now get what you back then tried to tell me. This year made me realize some things which I was not willing to see as it threatened my view of the world (though I deep down knew it but decided not to look at it as I probably felt I could not change it, anyways).
I read a lot about anarchy these days. Maybe the only way to exist in more or less peace. Unfortunately the definition of this term is negative.
I hope, you will find this late answer some day. I wish you to find peace in your heart and mind, especially in this upcoming era. The same I wish for me and all of us.
Love,
E.