We have all heard the words - "Don’t take it personally."
We also know that if we don’t take things personally, we won’t suffer, we will feel free and invulnerable.
But why is it so difficult for us to put it into practice?
- someone doesn’t like us or doesn’t want to be with us, and we feel rejected and not good enough;
- our children (or our clients, our partners) haven’t expressed the gratitude we have expected and we feel betrayed, angry and dissatisfied;
- our friend has forgotten our birthday and we feel deeply offended and ignored;
At such times, we are so conquered by the insult and disappointment that we don’t even think that we can accept the attitude and behavior of people in another way. And if in a situation like this somebody tells us: "Stay calm, don’t take it personally!" we burst into: "I give so much to others, and now I don’t receive gratitude and recognition."
Although it seems personal, people act and react according to their own reality, according to their views, fears, complexes, notions. And this has nothing to do with us. Let this sink in.
Your colleague may have offended you because he himself has some issues in his head or doesn't know how to deal with his own frustration; your friend may have forgotten your birthday, not because he doesn’t value you, but simply because he doesn’t remember dates or doesn’t know that this is important to you. There are thousands of reasons why people react in a certain way and it has nothing to do with you.
As Miguel Ruiz says in “The Four Agreements”
"Don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering"
Besides, the thing that hurts us in not the words and behavior of people, they just bring out the already existing pain, fear or need for recognition, that are buried somewhere inside our minds.
We feel hurt, offended and betrayed because:
we deeply believe that what we've been told is true. For example, if I don’t like myself and my body, and someone tells me something about my appearance, it would immediately affect me because the words will have hit my weak spot. But if I like myself and know that I look good, his words won’t affect my mood at all. I will just laugh and move on, words won’t the power to hurt me.
we take someone's opinion as a determining factor - in such cases we give our power to others, leave them to determine who we are, how much we "value". If we are confident in ourselves the opinions of others won’t hurt us.
we feel emptiness and strong need for recognition - for example, when we doubt our value, we feel a strong need for approval and appreciation to make us feel significant. Then we’ll always seek for gratitude and recognition from others and we’ll be affected if we don’t hear what we expect.
we haven't let go of the pain from the past - if we’ve ever been abandoned and still keep the negative feelings of the memory, the very harmless words of our friend like "I don’t have time to meet you." can make us feel neglected, abandoned or insignificant.
You accept things personally because you agree with everything. You think everything is about you. As soon as you agree, the poison passes through you. The reason for this is the so-called sense of self-importance. Personal importance or - to accept things personally - is the ultimate manifestation of selfishness, as we believe that everything is connected with our "ego". When our ego is hurt it reacts. But the ego has to understand that people's actions are being dictated by their own fears and worries. We all have a battle to fight.
As you see, people are different, they act and react according to their consciousness - based on their views, perceptions, inner fears, weaknesses and level of development. But whatever the others say or do, it can’t affect us if we don’t allow it. We get offended and angry, because the words or behavior of people bring out some pain, fear, doubt or need in us. Whatever they say or do, they can’t hurt us if there is no pain in our minds and souls. People's behavior hurts us when they hit a "weak spot". So, don't let them do it.
How do we learn not to accept things personally?
Saying "I don't care!" whenever someone's words offend us, doesn't work - in order to learn not to take things personally, we need to sort out the issues in our mind and start working to get rid of them. We can lie to others that we don't care, but there is no way we can deceive ourselves.
What you can do is:
When you feel offended, hurt and in pain try to distinguish your feelings from the situation. Remember that not the situation or the words of others hurt us, but we feel pain because they fall into an internal "wound".
Ask yourself: "Why do I feel hurt by the words or behavior of this person?
Do I believe his words, do I really subconsciously assume I am what he calls me?
What makes me expect gratitude, and why do I feel dissatisfaction if I don’t get it?
What negative feelings of the past I hold within myself?
Then take a moment to thank (mentally) the person that offended you for having unconsciously helped you realize something about you that you need to work on. Take note of what you have found in yourself - insecurity, fear of rejection, dependence on someone’s opinion, and look for ways and methods to deal with it. Take responsibility for your feelings, your reactions. Know that you control your emotions! Instead of anger, you can just react with a smile. Smile and continue, don't allow the poison to conquer your body and mind.
Write in capital letters "I do not accept anything personally!", and hang it somewhere where you’ll see it often. Do these steps whenever you feel offended, ignored, betrayed. To learn not to take things personally, you’ll need a lot of practice! It will seem very difficult at first, because you will react spontaneously. You may feel that you are so accustomed to the anger and suffering that you don't want to let them go.
When we truly see people without taking it personally, we will never be affected by what has been said or done by them. Even if others are lying to you, everything is fine. They lie to you because they are afraid you'll find out that they are not perfect. It's painful to remove this social mask. When people say one thing but do something else, you are deceiving yourself if you believe their words, not their actions. But if you are honest with yourself, you'll save a lot of emotional pain. The truth may be painful, but you don't need to be addicted to the pain. Healing is in progress and it's only a matter of time for things in your life to improve.
Conclusion:
The path to freedom goes through this - to be determined to deal with the habit and the limitation of the ego-mind, to be ready to part with the role of the offended victim (though sometimes it is easier) and to act step by step, to get rid of your own trap. And when you do, you will really be insured against unnecessary suffering. Nobody and nothing will hurt you if you don't let them. Once you feel the awakening, you will know that nothing people do towards you has to be taken personally. All the moments that you felt offended by someone will come flashing through your eyes.
Are you ready to take the first step and learn not to accept things personally?
Are you ready to live freely, with joy and satisfaction, and be invulnerable to external influences?
Think about it.
Thank you for reading!
Sources:
- Ruiz, M. (2008). The Four Agreements. Thorndike, Me.: Center Point Pub.
- Huffingtonpost.com
- PurposeFairy.com
- Drugata-realnost.com
Images:
Pixabay
If you liked this post please upvote, resteem and comment. Your opinion is important to me!
you said. That was what got me to click the post.
the image said. That is what got me to read on. It was when I saw:
that I realized why I read this post. My having read it has nothing to do with you except that you wrote the words. But before that, I came here because my friend @dysfunctional wrote a nice article on oversharing which I liked and I went to see what he had on his blog. He resteeemed your post and that means it must be good. I think so because I liked what he had written. And I am writing a comment because I liked your post. I like your post because it resonates with me. So you are right that we should not take things personally, but then again I feel that way because I thought so even before I read your post.
In steemit, as in life, it is not about you, or me for that matter. It is about us, together and how we make others feel. So instead of taking it personally, we should perhaps, take it publicly, every pun intended.
Well done!
Well said! It is about us and everything we do should be done for the greater good - on Steemit and in life. And what I am trying to do here is to share what I learned from self-help books I’ve read so more people can finally understand that there is a “cure” for everything. I used to take things personally but now I think I see the bigger picture and it is not all about me anymore.
Thank you for the appreciation of this post! It means a lot to me, even though it has nothing to do with me. :)
Yes it is not about you. It is about how you made me feel. Thank you for sharing your knowledge. It is appreciated. All the best.:)