It's "Independence Day" here in the US of A, so let me start off by wishing those who celebrate this particular event a very Happy 4th of July!
Bald Eagle
This morning, I found myself thinking about having gratitude for little things in life, and I got to thinking about where and how we focus our energies.
Some people seem to eternally "find fault" in everything, while others "find the silver lining."
Specifically, I was feeding our dog and had a momentary flashback to living with a particular ex who seemed able to "find fault" with almost everything... and that was the focus of her thoughts, and where she placed all her attention.
Fault Finding at Every Turn
Although I would feed her dog every morning, I would seldom hear any sort of gratitude for that, but I might hear something like "Why are you feeding the dog so LATE?"
I'm just using that as an example.
Red flower in our yard..
A similar situation might be someone who orders a house painter to paint their living room-- the painter comes in and does an awesome job in good time, and for a reasonable price... and yet, all we hear is a litany of complaints about the one drop of paint that was spilled on the stairs.
On the Opposite Side
Of course, there are also those who seem excessively optimistic and grateful for things no sane person should be grateful for.
Perceiving a meat cleaver in the head as "an opportunity to experience the inside of an emergency room" is probably not the healthiest approach to life you can take. And yet, there are people who are just that "positive."
Psychological Head Games-- With Others, and With Yourself
From where I am sitting, it seems like both these extremes represent a playing of some subtle version of psychological head games.
As human beings, we tend to do things because we "get" something from our behavior-- a belief system is reinforced, we gain control, we gain power, or maybe we avoid something we find distasteful.
White Nigella in bloom
Outwardly, my ex claimed that she just cared about helping create a "better" world with fewer mistakes and screw-ups, and that "pointing out mistakes" was an important part of that.
However, "behind the scenes" finding fault in things allowed her a certain feeling of "superiority" over others, establishing herself as "smarter" than whomever had screwed up. With those she knew-- at work, and socially-- there was also a degree of feeling more powerful because her "fault finding missions" tended to keep others just a little bit off balance. She was often preceded by a slightly "doomy" sense of "Oh God, here she comes... what's gonna be wrong THIS time?" energy.
On the positive side of the equation, the "head game" involved is often internal, and tends to involve conflict avoidance. I have known more than a few people whose outward air of positivity and gratitude was merely a thin veneer over their desire to have "everyone get alone," even to their detriment.
Of course, the downside there is that we tend to bottle up our true feelings of anger and betrayal... and then this otherwise very kind and positive person will suddenly "blow up" over something seemingly insignificant.
Sometimes "everything is peachy!" positivity also is used to hide insecurity about having an opinion and making a choice. If you don't choose, and declare all options "wonderful," you also exempt yourself from having to deal with feelings of disappointment at things not being done your way.
In the end, there's really nothing inherently wrong with finding what's wrong OR with being grateful and positive... as long as you also have balance, and are not using your "preference" to play head games with people.
How about YOU? Do you know someone who comes across as "overly picky?" They always find fault with things... does it seem like they are using their pickiness to manipulate people? How about "excessively positive" people? Leave a comment-- share your experiences and feedback-- join the conversation!
(As usual, all text and images by the author, unless otherwise credited. This is original content, created expressly for Steemit)
Published 20170704 14:43 PDT
Most people seem to be wired towards needing more gratitude. I've done gratitude "priming" ala Tony Robbins and it is nice, you definitely can feel your mindset shift when you focus on what you are grateful for for a few minutes each morning.
Agreed... gratitude is an important thing to work into our lives... I just find that things go a lot better if I'm not all overwrought over what's "wrong" and who's doing what that I don't like. I'd much rather just be happy and take things a little easier. Which has been a lot easier since I became self employed... I was more of a grump when I was still working in Korporate Amerika.
I have long battled with myself because I am a fault finder. But I find the faults with myself the most. Sometimes it's exhausting to live with my own expectations, and I know my behaviour of fault finding can have a negative impact on others, especially those I'm closest to too, so it's a daily effort to retrain my mind and actions.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It's helpful to read through and understand what it feels like to be the recipient of a fault-finder. :)
I guess it's OK to be self-critical to some degree... as long as you are not going on "witch hunts" against your own psyche and driving yourself to become sad and feeling badly about yourself. I sometimes have to play little games with myself and ask myself "What would happen to the world if I did NOT point out that flyspeck on the wall?" Of course, the answer is usually "nothing."
Thanks for sharing!
That's very true..will think up a version of that question for myself :))
i know many of the people who always "pull the rope", creating pressure and even enjoying their bad mood and negativeness. it gives them feeling that they are doing something while there was serious problems in their life which they are ignoring, and refusing to do anything about it. some of them enjoy some kind of "martyrdom" they created in their heads. some of them are happy with any kind of attention, even being one whos disliked by everyone because of being jerks all the time. i dont have problems with them, just dont take them seriously, and im not feeding their needs. their opposites are more annoying. .
You're right... a lot of times, people use the energy they direct at pointing to other people's problems as a tool to avoid looking at themselves.
My philosophy is: there are two similar, but from another hand, to different species in our world - flies and bees: the first alway try to find a shit, second would try to find flowers.
But, know what I often watching for mistakes, because I'm former SQA team member and finding bugs was my main work task for long years. Now I'm PM - I still searching for issues and problems in our company - but more globally - between teams, tasks, processes. I do this on daily basis for learning mistakes and improving weak places.
So, I'm professional faults finder, but I try to avoid to bring my professional skills to my regular life
Well, since you do "find faults" as a profession, I imagine it's a challenge to not take it home with you to private life, as well.
I like your analogy with flies and bees... that makes a lot of sense, as an illustration.
It looks like I sometimes bring my work to home
But I know if I'm busy, If I'm totally in a hobby or in a book or in any passion, I wouldn't even notice an earthquake, disaster or any small or big issue
Interesting read, I have met both types ... the overly positive ones usually annoy me a bit more than the negative ones whom I just feel sorry for ...
Maybe what bugs me (and perhaps you?) about the overly positive ones is that it comes across as FAKE. At least the fault finders are "authentic," even if they are thoroughly miserable....
Yes I think that is it, that it seems fake... I once had a private trainer ... she was always over the top positive , once I invited her for lunch and she actually had a couple of glasses of wine ... I guess she wasn't used to that and all of a sudden her perfect world was not as bright as it appeared ... I think deep down her positivity was some way for her to cope with the things that weren't working in her life ... was kind of liberating to see her being human ....
Spot on. Reminds me of the story of putting two kids in a room with a huge pile of dung and a shovel. One kid responds negatively, the other gets excited and starts shoveling like there'e no tomorrow, because "with this much dung there must be a horsey in there somewhere!"
Love that! That's a great analogy/story.
Perspective
My mother was like your ex. I understand the damage some people can bring. I am trying to be more positive, but still I find it easier to find fault. Balance seems a long way off.
I suppose it all being with awareness, at least it did for me. When you recognize the issue and its origins... it becomes a lot easier to make a change to something better. But yeah, finding balance can be difficult...
I've developed quite a thick skin since childhood.. I can help out with a picky person with what they need and how they want it, but as soon as I get a chance I'm gone.
I usually deal with them pretty well... but, like you, I am outta there as soon as possible.
I used to be one of those overly positive types myself.
Now, I am looking for perspicacity, so I know better when to be easy-going and when it is time to let myself be known.
I don't see anything wrong with an upbeat attitude AS LONG AS it doesn't go overboard to where it clearly comes across as fake.
You made me think of something kind of funny.
We have already discussed some of the differences between European cultures and American cultures in the comment sections of your articles.
One difference is how intensely friendly servers in restaurants or even in the cashier in a gas station is as compared to Europe, or France anyway. It is one of the things I find slightly unnerving the first few days I am back for a visit.
Well... I am suddely in the position where I need to come back for quite some time. Having got out of the habit of smiling alot, I wonder if I am going to be seen as dour in the US? ;-)
Interesting!
My wife is US born (although of Danish extraction) and I remember the first time we went back to Denmark with our (then) 21-year old daughter and her BFF... in no time at all, they had identified something they started calling "The Danish Glare," which is basically how Danes look at each other when they are not friends... just completely neutral. But to a pair of barely adult American girls... it came across as scowling.
I'm still seen as a bit "stiff" here, and I've lived here since 1981...
This is a very honest way of celebrate ID!