I am in a group that I love very much. Twice a month, twelve people gather together early Saturday morning. We meet in the back room of a 118 year old church on Detroit's east side. We are all there because we want to heal from the emotional wounds and core lies that we carry. One of my favorite individuals in this group is a recently married 77 year old black woman who has no kids. As a 27 year old white man with five kids myself, there is so much about our life experiences that are different. After two meetings, I began to realize that I had more in common with her than anyone else in the group. Not the stuff that other people see from a distance. But the stuff that matters. The emotions. The sadness, loneliness, and weak self-esteem. The desires and life goals. There is more that draws us together than what seeks to divide us.
Our brains are really good at categorization, tribalism, and separation. My culture reinforces these tools. There are plenty of voices that tell me why my friend and I should be in completely different circles. I am so glad that we are not.
Identify, Don't Compare
It is important to be able to differentiate. When you walk into a room of people, you should be able to recognize where your physical existence ends and where another human being begins. You should be able to identify what characteristics those people have and how those a different from others. But you need not compare. Do so leads your brain to highlight all of the differences. This often causes you to stack your resume up against everyone in the room and make a value judgment.
Instead, what if you walked into a room and assumed that you have a lot in common with the other people there. Rather then entering a conversation with the subconscious desire to find out how you are better than the other person, why don't you make a conscious effort to find what unites the two of you?
Maybe this clicks with some of you, but maybe some of you are asking "but why?" Honestly, I don't have some grandiose answer for you. It is just a lot more fun to live this way. It is an act of compassion to assume that the other person has a place in your tribe. You will be much more likely to find life-giving community and strong relationships if you try to identify your similarities first.
Go ahead, give it a try. You really have nothing to lose and a lot to gain.
Until next time, be blessed.
Sam
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Somehow I found my way to this post when I think I needed it. I've been very open to the ways and experiences of others, but often end up disapointed because so many people have a hard time dealing with truth, hard realities and choose to exist in a paradigm that is not based on anything more than false hope and fantasy. Facing our fears is the hardest thing we can do in life and too many people are choosing not to. Thank you for the reminder, I'm just feeling really down on more and more of my friends lately, not for trying to understand, but feeling like I understand them more than they understand themselves.
I'm really sorry that you are having to face this struggle. Thank you for sharing vulnerably.
That's a hard place to be. It is hard to hold open the space for friends to not be as far along on this journey as we are or as far as we think they should be. While we are supposed to reveal things for each other, that hopefully happens in both directions. I wrote about that here if you're interested: You Need Your Tribe to Expand Your Perspective.
Cheers to you!
Thank you. Revelations DO need to happen from both directions for everyone to continue to grow. It's allowing it to happen where we can get stuck.
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