Occasionally, it may be necessary to examine our attraction to the types of people who fit within our short list of personal preferences. We may believe that our connection to someone feels right; nevertheless, we must ask ourselves, “Will my attraction to “so-and-so” hurt, or improve my chances of identifying a ‘real’ companion, and what impact will my experience have on my emotional well-being?” Just like, we’re nose blind to odors that we’re exposed to for extended periods of time, we can also become blind to the repercussions of our decisions. Not every attraction we encounter will provide us with the capacity to add value to our wellbeing. So, how do we recognize any red flags when we’re drawn to someone who may not be right for us? At the beginning of a new romance the nostalgic feeling of new love can cloud our judgment, exposing our vulnerabilities. The feel-good emotions we experience when captivated by new love are similar to that of any powerfully addictive narcotic. One which gives us the ability to carry on when we’re subject to extreme pain. Nonetheless, just like any powerful opiate, the more you crave it, the more addictive it becomes, the more you depend on it, the less effect it has at providing you relief.
Our attraction to someone can be attributed to the interactions we’ve had with people who held influential positions in our lives. It doesn’t matter if someone was physically present or absent during our developing years, we become the people we are based on our influences or lack thereof. Everyone that we’ve established an emotional connection with possesses some form of influence over us, even if they were absence from our lives. Contrary to what some people believe, a person can be absent from our childhood and we’ll still develop an emotional connection to that person. Think of a child whose mother or father decided to leave their parental responsibilities behind. Now reflect on that child, years from now, growing up without that parent and how it could affect them emotionally. In my experience, I have noticed a lot of anger associated with the thought of an absentee parent; anger is an emotion, and our emotions influence our actions. But that is just one example.
Some of the strongest influences we experience as adults are those associated with our past and present romantic involvements. So, we might have to confront unresolved issues in our history, to develop an understanding regarding a current relational problem. The consequences of past unresolved relationship problems usually find their way into areas of our current romantic lives, and they can adversely affect our perception of the world around us. Making it quite difficult for someone to see problems that progress right in front of their eyes. If we make the same choices over and over the idea behind that choice could become so ingrained into our personality, to a point where we’re unable to make sound judgments about people’s intentions. It won’t even matter if we’re always told that “so-and-so” isn’t right for us because it would be considerably difficult to accept any other situation due to the “hard-wiring” of our personalities.
When the union between two people has concluded, both may suffer emotionally. The traumatic experience can force them to relive all the moment of pain they’ve accumulated in their past. As a result, their ability to recognize a pattern of bad relationships may be difficult to see. If this continues, they’ll likely fall in love with the same types of people who caused them emotional harm, or they might be so emotionally injured they become withdrawn, and increasingly fearful of making the same mistakes. So, they would rather be alone, and single. When we become attracted to someone, we don’t necessarily have a firm understanding of why we are attracted to them, we just are. I’m sure everyone would like to believe the person they’ve come to love, and adore, will continue to be the same person they fell in love with, but that just isn’t realistic. Our optimism maybe a little too optimistic for someone we’ve just met, or even someone we’ve been with for some time now. We don’t know the real intentions someone has until it’s too late, but we can if we take our time.
Have you ever met someone who told you, “I’m ready to be with you, but if you’re not ready, then maybe we should just take a break from seeing each other.” Not wanting to ruin the chance with a seemingly great person, most would cave under this pressure. Our attraction to someone can virtually compel us to offer openly our trust and companionship, giving someone with a nefarious motive the opportunity to take advantage of us. Even if someone appears to have good intentions, it would be in our best interest to maintain a little skepticism; you never know who people are sometimes. They might have a serious drug problem, anger issues, or prove to be utterly irresponsible; causing someone to become financially, emotionally, or physically injured in some way, down the line.
It is necessary to expand our understanding of human behavior to gain a perspective that allows for better decisions regarding our relationships. Take for an example. A single woman who has been in one bad relationship after another. Time, and time again, she has asked herself, “Why do I always attract such bad men, and why do men always treat me so horrible?” Consider this. This single woman is not attracting bad men. What she is doing, is openly accepting the offer of companionship to someone who might not be ready to, or capable of, committing to any woman, period. A man who treats a woman horribly will likely treat any other woman in the same manner if given the opportunity. When a woman is capable of recognizing a man who behaves in a childlike manner, she’ll likely prevent the progression of the relationship.
A significant number of women I have come across in my travels have often believed they were mostly at fault for how their men treated them. Although some women could be held accountable for enabling a man who continuously behaves in a sadistic manner, I believe there is much more to consider here. Just like a snake will do, well, what a snake does, an unqualified love-interest will behave according to his understanding of the world. If his knowledge is limited, he’ll treat his woman in the same manner a teenaged boy treats an old pair of shoes. This circumstance is one reason it is in a woman’s best interest to nurture her understanding of the world around her, to identify childish behaviors that some men display. We all can be attracted to someone for one reason or the other, but giving in to our desires, just because it feels good, can push us into an unsatisfying relationship. A lot of people do not take full advantage of the opportunity to get to know someone. As a result, they become disappointed in, and disconnected from, their relationships.
A lot of men are unqualified to add value to a good woman’s worth. On the other hand, the same could be said about an unqualified woman. Nevertheless, most people may eventually want to do the right thing as they become older and more mature. If a bad behavior persists for years, into adulthood, it could be tough to…finally grow up. Just so you know, a man doesn’t make it into full manhood until he becomes a responsible, and productive human being, at least, most of the time. No one is perfect, and every man will have moments of vulnerability that can cloud his judgment. What is necessary to consider, is a pattern of behavior. If he is incapable of doing the right thing, at least, most of the time, then he might be unqualified to commit to a relationship. The possibility exists regarding his ability to redeem himself, but he will need to find motivation within himself to become a better person. An unqualified man has to experience significant heartbreak or some traumatic event that will push him to take the necessary steps to make adjustments in his behavior; provided the experience doesn’t destroy him emotionally. We all have to be a constant and consistent work-in-progress to reduce the relational problems we experience.
Our relationships usually take a turn for the worse when we rush in too soon. If we haven’t given ourselves enough time to process the information presented us to, we’re likely to step into a relationship blindfolded. It is nearly impossible to align our relationship goals with someone else if we know nothing about them. How will we know if someone has an ulterior motive, or not, if we don’t spend the time to know them well? We’ll find ourselves in a situation that is tough to get out of, so we must be diligent in our efforts to get to know someone. Make an effort to remember all the things you did in the courting stage of your previous relationships. If, in the past, you’ve committed yourself to someone far ahead of ‘their’ desire to commit to you, give yourself more time to make sure this person is genuine. If you know yourself well, and you believe you will fall for someone prematurely, then make alterations to your standards. A good outcome is achievable by actively paying attention to what’s going on, as it’s happening; consciously telling yourself to “stop,” if the relationship moves faster than you can keep up. If anyone pressures you to progress a relationship “at their pace,” intimidates you with ultimatums, or suggests that “taking your time” means, you must not feel the same way they do…think about it; that’s what an adolescent would do.
Ladies, remember when you were a school-aged girl, and you heard a guy say something like this, “If you love me, then you’ll do it.” That’s what boys do; real men don’t act like that. You will not be interacting with a mature adult when a person behaves this way. If someone approaches you in this particular manner, simply remember these words…”Run…for…your…life!” You have to, first, be an ‘observer’ before you become a ‘participant’ in a new romance. The moment you become a participant, prematurely, is the moment you become trapped in an endless cycle of unhealthy relationships. We often miss steps in the courting stage, men, and women, alike. Furthermore, a physical attraction can override our good judgment, so it is necessary to, at least, make an attempt to slow the process down. If physical intimacy becomes the glue that keeps two people together, they’ll both learn soon enough that they don’t particularly like each other; as much as they thought they did. It can be challenging to enjoy a relationship with anyone long-term if we decide to act on our desires prematurely. We may eventually get it right, but the struggle to make the relationship work can be extremely intense before it settles down, this is why a lot of people just simply…give up.
—DanKhan
A lot of great encouragement from a newcomers.
FYI - people generally like at least one photo to look at (you know how people are).
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