Recently, I took a class in the Psychology of Intimate Relationships. By far the most salient subject matter for me pertained to communication. I thought that I would share some key points about dysfunctional communication that I sincerely believe we can all benefit from. It's easier said than done, but try to keep these concepts and strategies in mind at the onset of an interpersonal conflict:
(paraphrased from Intimate Relationships by Rowland S. Miller)
How to Avoid Dysfunctional Communication
Step One: No Kitchen-Sinking
When we're unhappy with someone, we often do a poor job of staying focused on whatever it was that spurred our discontent. Rather than precisely addressing the problem, we may succumb to our frustration and vent about several topics at once until the conversation spirals into an all-out war of words with no real identifiable direction. In the worst cases, the original issue may slip from your mind entirely. If you're upset that your partner always forgets to take out the trash, perhaps you should refrain from simultaneously remarking on your displeasure with their unwillingness to cook breakfast in the morning. Nothing will be resolved if your discontent becomes a squalling litany of accusations.
Step Two: No Mindreading
Try to avoid presuming what your partner means without first asking them to clarify their position. No matter how well you think you know someone, you may not understand exactly what they're thinking or feeling at any given time. Exercise some patience, and never simply assume that you know what your partner is going to say next. When we falsely perceive and predict unpleasant motives, it can bring an otherwise productive conversation to a grinding halt, escalating the situation.
Step Three: No Yes-Butting or Cross-Complaining
We often become defensive during tense conversations with our partners. Rather than truly considering what they have to say, we may feel compelled to immediately pick apart some perceived flaw in their logic. "Yes, but that won't work because of this. Yes, but what about this?" Constant criticism of your partner's stances will not help anything—it's important to listen and to consider what they have to say even if it may be an imperfect approach. You can't just blatantly disregard every view that you don't agree with. You don't have to blindly accept those views either—but allow your partner to speak their mind.
We also often have a bad habit of cross-complaining. When we're confronted with a fault in our actions or behavior, we may try to find some corresponding fault with our partner's.
"I hate the way you do this."
"Oh yeah, well I hate the way you do this."
At this point, neither of you is participating in a discussion. You're simply talking at one another, and it can often lead to kitchen-sinking. You have to concede the soapbox. Let your partner speak their mind. Listen. Then speak yours. And with any luck, they'll listen too.
That’s a good list @impatientoctopus. I think “yes,but-ing” is the one I’m most guilty of. I also like to write about communication and try to track the tag on a regular basis.
@puddles I figured you might appreciate this/have some input. I did less paraphrasing and more re-interpreting really, but alas.
I have no idea why I didn't see this :(
I would have included positive argument styles, like "I" statements, but that can be another post of its own.
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