It's with Deep Sorrow that Satirically Yours has to report to our avid fans on the Death of Dave Portnoy. He was last seen with his green hammer attempting to recover from a massive crypto overdose, but unfortunately was unable to recover. His personality and handsome good lucks along with his troubled hands will be dearly missed.
Dave was formally introduced to Crypto by the Winklevoss twins, known for running a prominent crypto exchange, when they visited him and taught him the ropes of crypto. Tragically, they didn't go into enough details on the dangers that crypto entails.
Tyler Winklevoss notes "I left Dave alone after introducing him to crypto. When I came back he said something to the effect of 'Tyler, you gotta help me. I was on this super hot streak from a few massive pump and dumps that I was a part of, I got into Eth, out of Eth, moved over to XRP, even traded a few billion Doge. I thought about hodling them for the long term, but then switched to DEFI and I was like waaaaay up for a bit, then then some massive asshole megawhale dumped on us all, and shit turned real grim. You gotta help me man.' What floored me is that I only left him alone for like 8 minutes."
Within hours Dave had contracted cryptona virus, an illness seemingly capable of cross the blockchain/flesh cellular membrane. It first impacted his hands making them quite weak, and then soon consumed his entire body. Before long Dave was reduced to a mumbling incoherent mess leaving his fan base on Robinhood chrushed and leaderless.
Chad Pitzner, a long time follower of Dave is left confused and baffled. "Without Dave and his scrabble bag how will we know which stock to pour all our remaining funds into with hopes that we win a small enough prize through the stock market to eat for the next few days?"
Dave will be sorely missed by the crypto community, we wish him great health in the afterlife, and pray that his small weak hands won't carry with him into the halls Valhalla.
I really don’t know if I’ve yet to see ANYONE with weaker hands than Portnoy
Wonder if we are going to see similar obituary for Peter Schiff now 😂
This is super funny!cryptona virus gotta be a thing
Just another idiot with a microphone.
I can almost feel sympathy for this guy but that's the nature of any volatile market. I'm tempted to buy a bunch of Hive and Bitcoin-Vault, but I don't know if they would go up again or not.