Being a "beardist" myself, i might not consider it fair to "mock" those that are doomed never to have my experience (forever and ever). However having seen that the author of this write had proferred a solution to their problem, i will do no more that direct them as well to the solution included in his conclusion.
But if you wanted a beard so badly, you may just get a glue-on beard and join the gang :)
Hehehe, that "solution" can only work if you are an actor in Hollywood movies with world class makeup artist working on you. Thank you.