Hello @aimee-louise-j - a nice start to your story. :-)
But you are here for more than just a pat on the back and a 'well done'. You want to know how to make your writing better right?
So here are my suggestions:
This is all in italics - that's ok for emphasis. But trying to read the whole thing in italics is hard on the eyes. It makes your reader work for the story, and you want to avoid that.
Separate out the speech from the rest of the narrative - again this makes it easier to read and more obvious for the reader, especially when they need to switch voices in their head.
Also look for opportunities you add a full stop instead of a comma. Shorter punchier sentences often work better than long rambling ones. You can mix and match it a bit. one good trick it to read the sentence out loud and notice where you need to draw a breath, or where you pause in the reading. That's where your reader will want to pause as well.
You have also chosen to write this in the first person - that's a hard style to write well in. You have made a really good start so far, so very well done.
Please note that I have made these suggestions at the request of @giantbear to help you in your challenge.
If you want to see where I'm coming from in terms of writing, here are some stories I have written on Steemit. They are far from perfect. But it would be unfair to critique you without offering you the opportunity to do the same. ;-)
And you may pick up a few pointers by looking at the stories critically.
Hi there,
Thank you so much for your advice, I really appreciate it and will definitely use it in my part two.