I am infinitely strong today, thanks so much to my past moments of darkness. I grew up in a home with a narcissistic mother, and I have spent years searching for my self-worth. If any of you know a narcissist, you know the damage that can be done to a person’s psyche (which leaks out into all areas of that person's life like toxic sludge).
My greatest fear was loving myself after watching my mom "love" herself.
In my darkest moments, these are the things that I wish someone would have told me about myself in my lowest of my lows: I am enough. I am worth it. I deserve the amount of love I give to others.
So before you get to rock bottom, or if you are already there, start to incorporate small moments and gestures in your day that allow you to love yourself. Because you are enough. You are worth it. You deserve the amount of love you give to others.
In a world of busy, it is so infinitely important to practice radical self-care. It is the foundation of success in all areas of our lives.
Here are the things I learned to do to:
1. Say, “No."
Without fear. Without frustration. Without worrying about what people will think if you say, “No.”
It is a complete sentence that requires no explanation.
When you say, "No," to things that don’t light your spirit up, make you dance, make you feel excitement, fuel your fire, you absolutely make room for things that DO.
Stop giving your energy to things that you feel obligated to do (and if you think, “Well I really don’t want to go to work! Soooo, what do you say about that, Lacey?” Well, then find a career that fuels your passion. If you can’t quit your job today, do something that will phase you into a career you love. Take a class, sign up for a degree or certification program, research actionable steps you can take towards your dreams, and TAKE them. You aren’t stuck. Make a move.)
2. Take yourself on a date.
A large majority of people I know wouldn’t be caught dead sitting alone at a table at a restaurant or buying a ticket for one to this week’s hottest movie release. Why is that? For each of us it may be a different answer. If this is you, check in with yourself and ask yourself why? What is it that you fear? If it the fear that someone will look at you weird, tell your ego to shush. Who cares what other people think?
Try it: start small. Schedule a date with yourself and keep it. Start with a cupa’ joe at your favorite coffee joint or take a book and blanket to an open park. It will take 10 seconds of bravery to realize it is not as hard as you thought, and you may just realize that you really are an enjoyable person to spend time with.
(Actually me...dating myself).
3. Set small goals and crush them.
We all have big plans for our lives, and if you are anything like me you quit before you start because the dreams are SO big and seem SO unattainable. So make them bite size.
On my deepest, darkest days I found that getting out of bed was overwhelming. The best advice I ever received was to make a plan to get out of the house every single day, even if for five minutes...even if that meant getting a gallon of milk at the grocery store.
Your initial goals could be this small. And that is totally ok. You have to start somewhere.
Take some time to really think about what you want to accomplish. Then take action. The universe responds to listlessness by giving your more to be listless about - which is a whole lotta nothin'.
Be fierce in the pursuit of your dreams. Make a plan. And if that plan seems too big or overwhelming, scale it back into bite size pieces. Ask yourself, “What is one small thing I can do today?” Write it down, do it, and then check it off.
4. Create a Beauty Routine
Turn your shower into an experience by diffusing some essential oils. Put some food (or a mask) on your face (seriously once I cut a tomato and slathered it on my face…the results were surprisingly awesome). Put your feet up and relax while listening to your favorite music (try binaural beats).
Or take a sea salt bath once or twice a week. People think about going to the beach for a vacation. It's because the salt in the water sucks out the yucky energy and revitalizes us.
5. Meditate
“I can’t meditate,” you say? Malarky! There are so many different ways to tune in and zone out. I think we have all heard many times the benefits of meditation, but more often than not we have so many excuses about why we can’t do it (too hard, can’t stop thinking, don’t know how).
Try coloring a mandala. Try plugging in some headphones and listening to a guided meditation on YouTube. Close your eyes and just notice your thoughts. Hang up a wind chime and sit on your porch and focus on the sound and the breeze. Try some self-hypnosis. Practice slowing your thoughts down while doing chores (called walking meditation).
Just make an effort to be in the present moment, without fear of the future or guilt of the past. Your point of power is NOW.
Eventually you may decide to ease yourself into traditional meditation, but no matter what your brain, consciousness, personal growth, and stress levels will thank you for giving it a go.
Bonus points: Try meditating in the same place at the same time every day. Your senses will instinctively know it’s time to meditate, and you might even get a little more out of it.
6. Turn off electronics
Think back to 20 years ago when you could take the phone off the hook and you were not as accessible. Remember how freeing that was? As much good as technology has brought to this world, there are also draw backs.
The great paradox about being connected to the world via the internet: We are now more disconnected from ourselves and others than ever.
Even now when I take my cup of coffee to my front porch, I always have my phone in my hand. I caught myself the other day not even looking up at the birds chasing each other in my yard. It was a small tragedy.
Turn on airplane mode and become inaccessible, even if it is for 5 minutes. Step outside and look up and around from your phone, computer, or tablet. Try some 4-7-8 breathing. Pick up a book and read an excerpt that feeds your soul and expands your mind.
In today’s age we have information and people at the command of our fingertips. It's absolutely incredible and astonishing how far technology has come and how it enriches our lives, but there is also something to be gained from disconnecting from people, media, and Wi-Fi.
7. Tantlize Your Tastebuds
Squeeze up a green juice. Or devour a piece of exquisite dark chocolate (after all, they say chocolate increases serotonin, so how can chocolate be wrong?).
I have always been a vegetable lover, and even then I was incredibly afraid of drinking kale. Because bleck! But honestly: just try it.
Within a week of adding a green juice to my daily diet and not changing a thing (mmmm….pizzzaaaaa), I noticed improved digestion, clearer skin, and just a general overall well-being feeling without even changing anything else in my diet.
I actually look forward to this part of my day. I make a fresh green juice after the kids go to bed, and it has replaced my glass of wine. It is euphoric, and I feel better and not worse (no headache, clearer thinking, better vibes. Ya dig?).
Whatever it is, green juice, wine, chocolate…enjoy it. Check in with your body to see what it needs. Maybe you just need a sweet treat, but maybe your body really is just craving nutrition. Either way, ditch the guilt, check in with your body to see what it really wants, and trust your gut. And savorrrrr. Mmmmmm.
8. Exercise
Commit to yourself that you are going to do 5 minutes of exercise per day.
People often feel overwhelmed by exercise thinking that they might as well not start because they know they will quit in the long run. If 5 minutes turns into a whole workout, then awesome! If not, then awesome, too. Either way you have shaken up your energy and gotten things moving. You have told your body and the universe to clear out old energy to make way for new energy.
Don’t have a gym membership? Take a walk outside. Do yoga with YouTube (my favorite is Yoga with Adrienne). She has a slew of videos of varying intensity and length, and you can turn them on anytime. Shake your booty. Try rebounding (seriously so fun until I broke my kids tiny trampoline...I need a new one).
9. Journal
Find a notebook and pen. Or marker. Or crayon. It doesn’t have to be a pretty pen or the perfect notebook, though that may help you have something to look forward to.
Write out your deepest fears. Your greatest dreams. The funny things. The things you LOVE about yourself. The things you want to improve on. The crap (though I recommend a Crap Journal where you literally write nothing but the crap in it. Get it out of your system. And then close it and forget about it).
10. Commit to caring for yourself. Every. Single. Day.
Even if you spend 5-10 minutes loving up on yourself, that is enough. Perhaps find a couple of days a week where you can invest more time in yourself. Schedule it if you have to. Write it in your planner. Announce it to your family. Turn off your phone. Whatever you need to do to clear space, just DO it.
Ideally make it a consistent time every day. Your body and mind love routine. Give them both something to look forward to and be excited about. But if your schedule goes awry, don’t give up on it.
As a mom of five kids I find self-care makes me happier, a better mom, and honestly is just preserves my sanity. It reinvigorates my energy field and helps me zone in on what I need so that I enjoy my life more. And while it’s not all about me, my littles need to see that it is ok for them to love and care for themselves. It is the best gift I can give them. And myself. And the world really.
No matter how you go about it, do your best to be fully present for yourself. Oprah said it best when she said to love yourself so much that your cup overflows and flows into other people’s lives. We do nothing for ourselves by giving from an empty vessel or being a martyr.
In all my 30-some years I have spent a majority of them questioning my own worth while finding myself in situations that were trying to tell me it was time to believe in myself. I sincerely questioned my own existence.
I can only hope and pray if you are in this same boat that you will know that you are infinitely more valuable than anything on this planet. Your worth is not determined by anything or anyone on the face of this earth. You are more than enough.
Don't get stuck in the theory of the things you should do. Take small actionable steps, and that will be enough. You are enough.
And if you made it to the end of this post, [Internet High Five].
Xo,
Stehlla (Lacey)
Tell me: What is your favorite part of your self-care routine? What’s one thing you would like to add to it?
Yea!! You sound fabulous! the best thing I ever did for me was forgive my parents for not knowing what the hell they were doing raising children. after spending the first 25 trying to get some approval, I went about my business but never just openly forgave them, I thanked them (in my mind) for bringing me into this amazing earth place. Then forgave my ex and thanked him (silently) for the few good things and lessons I took from the experience. If you don't forgive these "teachers" the resentment will stifle you. the anger just builds up and the mind replays every instance of abuse. Worked so well I forgave my few bad bosses too . this has been my biggest cure-all and the health benefits of dropping a life-time of baggage. Thanks for sharing your story.
Thank you. I completely agree with the "forgiveness" aspect. They say healing only happens with time, and while this may hold some truth, the driving force is forgiveness. And then after that, knowing that we carry the fuel (our energy, thoughts, emotions, etc), and we can choose where we spend it.
Much love and thanks for sharing your story, too! xo