I’m going to show you 5 (more or less) foolproof schemes and strategies that’ll surely win any team the world cup. The different strategies will be rated on a scale of 0-5, depending on how realistic they are to implement in a real game and how well they would fare if implemented. WARNING: The following strategies don’t exactly represent fair play or the spirit of the beautiful game…but in a competition held by an organization like FIFA in a country like Russia, what did you really expect?!
The ring of power
Players form a circle around the ball as a living fence and move it slowly towards the opponents’ goal. The players will lock arms and make it all but impossible for the opponents to get to the ball. The first time you get the ball, you simply walk it into the opponent’s goal. The second time you get the ball, your actions should depend on whether you are ahead. If so, encircle the ball and protect it at all costs. If not, encircle the ball and walk it slowly into the opponent’s goal. This strategy needs to be used together with a defensive, ball-hawking attitude.
There's little chance any serious referee would allow this. But if he did, it would be a winner!
Chance of implementing strategy: 1/5
Chance of success with strategy: 4/5
Stealing the victory
By constantly passing the ball back through the chains and scoring own goals, you’re never directly defeated by your opponents. You’re only defeated by yourself and this might really piss them off, by never letting them play or have the ball. There is very little to gain from this strategy except enjoying the bewilderment and angry confusion from opponents, who reasonably expected a football game but are treated to a caricature of a game.
This is by no means illegal, and there's probably very little a referee could do to stop it.
Chance of implementing strategy: 5/5
Chance of success with strategy: none
Thug life
This strategy utterly depends on one or more of your players stealing the referees’ attention while some of the others do the dirty work!
The following strategies would be used:
- Untying the opposing players’ boots and pulling down their pants during set pieces.
- American football style tackles including cut-blocks and pancaking.
- Showing and aggressive posturing.
- Suffocating blocks and screenings.
- Manic and animated showboating (both after tackles and goals).
- Strategic placement of banana peels in opposing goalkeeper area.
- Talking trash and telling the opponents that they’re mentally inferior and not capable of playing at this level.
- Mooning the opponents.
- Laughing at them.
- Kissing and/or licking opponents.
- If the referees are busy elsewhere a bitch-slap might be in order.
Taking life lessons from model citizens like Diego Costa, Sergio Ramos, Luis Suárez and Pepe is imperative.
Whether this strategy would work probably depends on what country the referee was from. An English referee would probably allow more contact than a Spanish one. The size of your bribe might also have something to say.
Chance of implementing strategy: 4/5
Chance of success with strategy: 1/5
The precious princess
Falling over blades of grass and diving when you feel the mere air pressure of an opponent close by is a bold strategy. The goal is to have 4 opposing players shown off, so you can win a 3-0 victory by default. A lot of taunting and overdone showboating is also needed as it will help antagonizing the opponents. Much of the success of this scheme depends on the credible acting of your players, so it is vitally important that they pay attention in diving school and study role models such as Neymar and Sergio Busquets very well.
Depending on how well your players act, this is actually a viable strategy, albeit one only preferred by scoundrels.
Chance of implementing strategy: 5/5
Chance of success with strategy: 3/5
The pregnant lady
One of your players lobs the ball into another player’s shirt. The other player then runs down the field and into the goal of the opponents. Repeat indefinitely. The player running with the ball in his shirt must avoid hand contact with the ball yet keep it safely strapped to his body. He also must evade a barrage of Zidane-style headbutts trying to get the ball free of the shirt. Some heavy screening and blocking by the teammates is also necessary.
It is hightly unlikely any referee would allow this to pass. If (s)he did however, it would be difficult to stop.
Chance of implementing strategy: 1/5
Chance of success with strategy: 4/5
Now you're all set to conquer the World Cup! The haters aren't gonna stop you this time. Good luck with your shenanigans!