As a father bathing or cuddling with your daughter - is that okay?
There is a lot of discussion going on right now about what is appropriate about parenting parents about their nudity and closeness. Is it acceptable for parents to show their nakedness to the children? Is it okay for a dad to bathe naked with his daughter? Is it okay for parents to cuddle with their children - even when they are not very small anymore? More and more people seem to think that's not the case. Our author - a father of two daughters - sees things differently and calls for more looseness in dealing with nudity and physical closeness between parent and child. For the benefit of the children ...
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Actually a completely normal picture: A father sits with his two-year-old daughter in the bathtub. Nevertheless, for many a scandal - because the man is visibly no swimming trunks, but is naked. An outcry went through the net. Some comments put the father close to pedophiles, others just asked how he came up with the idea of bathing with his daughter without swimming trunks.
My reaction to this discussion was and is: when did our society become so jammed? Or do we automatically think of the worst nowadays? There is a lot of uncertainty among fathers in the meantime, which is okay with their own daughter's behavior and what's not. Fueled by outsiders, who often label what used to be normal as "sick". How does one behave properly as a father towards his daughter? Is it okay to be naked, bathing, cuddling and cuddling your own daughter? For this I have some deep thoughts - and I would like to say that I'm neither a scientist or a child psychologist, but just a worried father of two daughters aged about 4 and almost 2 years, who does not feel like outsiders leave the discussion open and be labeled as a pervert someday.
What is our goal with our education? Children and the physicality
The child should stand at the center of all considerations of nudity and closeness. What does it feel about how we behave? What is the purpose of our education and socialization?
At first, children have a relaxed relationship with nudity and their own body. Shame they learn only gradually through interaction with other people. In this respect, a small child feels nakedness as completely normal. The question now is what we want to convey to our child with our education. For my wife and me these are four points in this complex of topics:
- A healthy attitude to your own body ("I'm okay")
- A healthy attitude to the body of the opposite sex ("Dad is okay, too")
- A healthy attitude to sexuality (that comes later, but an acceptance of your own body is required)
- The awareness that there are "private" things and that the child is allowed to decide for himself what he wants and, more importantly, what not
Our children also see their parents naked
My wife and I are relatively relaxed about nakedness. After all, there are supposed to be people who go over their clothes and go to the bathroom at home. We do not belong to that. As a result, our children see us naked when we get dressed or when we take a shower. Since we are parents, we also do not close the bathroom when we go to the bathroom (there are "bigger" exceptions here). Our daughters both had a phase in which they were fascinated to observe that a man can pee while standing. I find it a little embarrassing to be starred at peeing, but if it helps the education, then I can live with it. In the summer we were with the children more often at the nudist part of the bathing lake, so they know that other people look similar to us. This on the topic "my body and your body are okay".
Bathing as a father with the daughter is no problem
Already in the first year of life, I often bathed with my daughters. At that time, I was sitting in the tub with the baby so it could splatter, without the risk of it tipping over. Later, I used to bathe with my girls again and again - naked. At some point - usually after one year of life - it inevitably happens that the daughter reaches for the genital part of the daddy. This is normal, because she is curious. I reacted to that the following way: I let my daughter do it for a short while - although the whole thing is not pleasant - and then told her that this is Papa's penis and "mine". Then we distracted the girl with a toy and the whole thing was okay. At the next shared bath, the whole thing was not exciting - and that was the case with both daughters. One note: my wife and I purposely say "penis" to the children in orderto keep the whole thing scientifically neutral and not to make it exciting by a funny term (Pipimann, tail, etc.). It worked for us.
Again, it is important to us that our daughters understand that men and women are different, but both are okay. Your own body does not have to be embarrassing, but the genitals are private - both children and adults.
Cuddling and cuddling between father and daughter - physical closeness without ulterior motive
Physical closeness is important to every child. With pleasant body contact, the body releases the happy hormone oxytocin, which also stimulates the brain and strengthens the immune system. All the positive aspects of cuddling. With whom should children be able to pick up their pats, if not with their parents? The cuddling with the parents has no sexual aspect and gives children the chance to experience physical closeness without any ulterior motives. This is an important experience especially for girls cuddling with their father as the first man in their lives. Physical proximity is positively occupied here. This makes this cuddling an important basis for future relationships with the opposite sex.
An important point that should be taken into account when cuddling between parents and children: the "CHILD" determines what it wants and when. And for daughters as well as for sons: cuddling together is nice, but bellowing is also fun!
Kisses from the child - a privilege and no claim
In the evening I ask my big daughter: "Will I have a goodnight kiss?" If so, then that's fine and I'm happy, if not, then that's okay. The child has to decide who gets close to when. Even against relatives should not push children to tenderness or even force. A child needs to know that it always has the right to say "no" when it's not close.
Many things change during puberty
Children are often much more embarrassed during puberty. This desire for privacy should be respected by giving their child their space and not showing themselves to the child, if it has a problem with it. In no case should parents make fun of the sudden "tightness" of their daughter or son.
Even so, teenagers still feel the need for physical closeness. Especially if you do not have a boyfriend or girlfriend. Therefore, do not reject your child by pointing out that it is now too big for it to be hugged or given a peck. Even at this age children should be allowed to enjoy physical closeness with their parents without any ulterior motive.
Of course, what I wrote here also applies to sons. These should also have the right to cuddle with their father or mother. Because even small and larger men have the need for physical closeness.
I think generally, people have too much to say about raising our children. When did we as a society become so interfering? I don't know, but I think it is time for people to stop prying into other peoples lives.
I am a father of 3 daughters and in the past when they were 2 to 4 years old, they love to bathe with me, theres no malice with that because they are your child and besides its part of bonding moment when you play in the water with them. Of course it changes when they start to grow old but for me, theres nothing wrong bathing naked with your children.
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Comment by @killerwhale. This is a opt-in bot.
This is an important topic to bring up. Finnish people are mostly used to nakedness. Whole families take sauna's together, when children reach their teenage years they usually start going sauna with the parent of the same sex. Public swimming pools have sauna's and you are not allowed in with a bathing suit. In the summer we often see small children swimming naked, and it is completely normal.
Much of what I know is bullshit I got from my parents. I have tried to pass on less of that bullshit than my parents did.
I did promise that I'd answer every question to the very best of my ability, so kids that I raised got some information in a way and at a time that most children didn't. For better or worse. My oldest stepdaughter vividly remembers the day she got birth control. She told me this spring that she uses basically the same language I did with her own daughters...
Thanks for another thought provoking article!
Resteem.
It is really great to see a post like this, in general, and you also touch on some very interesting specifics. I am a father of a boy and a girl, and as I read this I kept thinking it is not much different with a boy. The general being naked around, or being seen naked is different with a boy, as that can be perceived as “normal” into adulthood, but bathing presents many of the same quandaries you describe (the child’s curiosity and desire to touch, and just thinking through the socialized perception of it as the parent). I agree that we society (and therefore we as parents as well) teach kids to become ashamed of their bodies. I think that is inevitable in some ways, but as with many other aspects of youth and parenting, I will keep allowing my family to enjoy any youthful naïveté we can for as long as it lasts. That said, I’ve noticed lately that my son might be reaching an age where he might need to stop taking baths with his sister soon — a whole other dynamic that has nothing to do with me. Anyway, I really just wanted to express my appreciation for you taking on this topic in a public forum like this. You handle it with a high level of insight, sensitivity and rationality — not always easy to balance those things. Thanks!
Every culture is a little different. When I was watching this old French film titled Unfaithful Wife, which was initially released in 1969, there was a scene in it in which the mother was bathing with her 9-year-old son who was about to turn 10 while she was having a conversation with her fully-clothed husband. He was standing there in the bathroom talking to her and their son in French. I once read in one of those advice columns you find in newspapers that it was customary for Dutch families to walk around in their residence in the buff on certain days of the week. I vaguely recall that the advice column was either "Ann Landers" or "Dear Abby." It was a while back. The German and the Russians are the same way. On the other hand, I've heard that the Scottish tend to be modest about those things, although I may be mistaken. Anyhow, your article was interesting.