Uncertain future

I sat on the floor, my back to the door, and I felt so cold. I hugged my knees against my chest, wrapping my arms around them as I blinked away the mist in my eyes, my vision blurred by the tears that plagued me. I shivered, even with the warm water falling, mixing with my own tears, from the shower head above, to cascade, like liquid silk, over my skin.

The nurse said she would come around with more pain meds in about 20 minutes. I was halfway hoping that she wouldn't. The last time I took anything, all I did was sleep and dream strange dreams.

I wanted to see him again. I wanted to see him like we had planned, just like we did the last time I tried to take my life. I wanted to see him smile and see the love in his eyes as he told me that everything was going to be ok.

I opened my eyes, blinking rapidly as I blurred the streams of water running down my face. I was sure that somewhere in my memories, I would find the smile I was imagining. I was sure I could remember the way his eyes sparkled as he pulled me close just to kiss me.

I tried to sit up, to get up and move, to do anything at all really, but I could barely move. My stomach was aching and my head was pounding, like a hammer being beaten against my skull. I crawled forward slightly, trying to push the fog away in my brain and through the haze, I saw a pair of shoes in front of me.

Shoes? I thought to myself. His feet were always so small! And they were too big for these shoes. I tried to lift my head, but it was just too heavy. I tried to move, but I could barely shift my weight. I tried to speak, but nothing came out.

"Slender, get up." I heard from somewhere behind me. My heart beat so hard I've never heard such a thunder. I narrowed my eyes. Was the ghost of my possible ex-fiancé standing behind me, making my heart race? I took a deep breath to calm my nerves and turned to see him. I started to cry softly, my vision blurring through the tears that had collected in my eyes.

"It's alright. He's gone." I heard someone say. I turned to the sounds of that voice again, knowing now that it came from the same one I heard before.

"That would explain the tinges of grey in his hair and the wrinkles around his eyes. Thank God it wasn't cancer. You don't deserve to be sick, or sicker." She continued, speaking like she was discussing the weather rather than the pain I was feeling.

"I helped my mother kill myself when I was ten years old and I haven't looked back. I'm sorry I have to be the one to deliver the message. I wish it was something more pleasant." I heard a gentle voice speak from a few inches from my face. The painkillers were knocking me out, but my body was waking up all of a sudden.

"No, I wish it was something more pleasant for you too. You see, I found it all out. I wouldn't want to be in your shoes. Your cousin is having a bad day today, but she will understand. I would be to blame for the pain and the sadness you feel inside." She continued, never losing the gentle tone, even when he was talking about me. I rolled my head back, trying to see him slightly.

"Who's this?" I whispered. I felt that the words were more from the heart than my mouth, as I couldn't even lift my chin up high enough to see who this woman was.

"Oh, sorry. I suppose I should have introduced myself. My name is Slender. I'm here to make sure you're alright. I was his fiancé."

"His...fiancé?" I repeated, trying to see the person that she was talking about.

"Yes, outside of the memory you still have. Did he say anything else to you?"

"Wait what? Did what? A fiancé?" I twisted my head around to see the man that was my fiancé. He was so much taller than me, but he was wearing my favorite shoes. My nerves went into overdrive. What was this all about? Was I still dreaming?

"I was your fiancé. I was your first love. I was the man you were going to marry. Slender is my middle name. My name is Slender, you should already know that." I nodded, a million questions forming in my head, as tears started rolling down my face.

"Yes, well, I suppose that I should have introduced myself then. My name is Leatrice. I'm so sorry you had to find out this way. I should have told you before."