Life, they say, is one beautiful journey filled with love and laughter, but life for me has been one rollercoaster of pain and anguish. It's like fate singled me out to be the receiver of all things bad and painful.
Even my name 'Nuje explains it all. It is short for Ibanuje, which means sorrow. It's like my parents forsaw how sorry my existence would be and gave me the fitting name.
It all started when I was 13 and just filling out. My father's friend, who was more like an uncle to me when my parents were alive, took a sick liking to me and would maul my young, nubile body any chance he got.
I was too young to know what sex was, but deep down I knew what he was doing was wrong. I tried protesting, but this only made him angry and he would beat me mercilessly for every wrong or perceived wrong. He also threatened to kill me if I said a word.
In the end, he succeeded in having his way not once, not twice, but over the course of six years.
My escape came when I gained admission into the university. The course I was given wasn't what I wanted, but I gladly took it, knowing I would be away from this man who had become my tormentor and made my life miserable.
School was bliss and for the first time since I could remember, I was free and happy. I got seriously involved in church activities as I felt that was the only way I could have peace from the inner demons that constantly tormented me. Yes, I was happy.
But only for so long. I met Meghan and we instantly hit it off. She was bold, confident, and beautiful, everything I felt I was not. All the boys wanted her and I didn't mind this as I didn't want them anyways.
Until Peter. Dear Perter, unlike the others, wasn't swayed by Meghan's beauty. If anything, it was me he wanted.
I was shocked and flustered, flattered too, still I didn't want anything to do with him. He refused talking no for an answer and persisted, but my resolve was strong.
He would send me gifts, flowers, poems, money, all of which I turned down. In the end he fell seriously ill. Meghan broke the news to me and I was concerned, especially as she pointed out my rejection had made him fall ill. I felt slightly guilty, especially as our exams were around the corner and agreed we go see him.
Truthfully, he was ill and bedridden. He looked pale and again I felt bad. I told him to get well soon and that we would see how things went. I hinted at the fact that I wasn't promising to date him expressly, but would hang out with him a few times to see how things went.
He smiled at this and I downed the drink Meghan placed before me as I knew we would be leaving soon. That was the last thing I remembered.
I woke up to feel a weight on top of me. It took a few seconds for everything to register as I saw Peter pounding furiously between my thighs. I tried struggling, then realized it was futile as my hands were tied to the headboard. So I relaxed and allowed him have his way. It wasn't like I was new to forced sex, anyway.
When he was done, I gathered my clothes and quietly dressed, and without a word at the bastard, quietly left his house. Meghan was nowhere in sight, obviously.
I didn't see her for a while. Was she avoiding me? I couldn't be sure. When I finally ran into her at an elective class a week later, she was full of apologies, staying she only did it thinking that intimacy with Peter would make me break my stance on dating him.
I didn't let her finish before walking out. I couldn't stand being in her presence anymore or her friend, and she was lucky I didn't turn her in.
I ran into Peter severally and the smug look on his face told me all I needed to know.
As usual, I buried that experience and built a wall around my heart and life, shutting everyone out.
The semesters passed in a blur and I spent my holidays in the school hostel, along with a handful of other students who chose to stay back.
Finally, I graduated and got a good-paying job and the first thing I did was get myself a mini flat, against the advice of Mrs Fadipe, who didn't understand why I wanted to leave a home where I was showered with love. I never told her. Ignorance, they say, is bliss. Mr Fadipe knew better than to insist I stayed.
Life went on, and my job was good, but I didn't deceive myself into believing joy had round me. I knew fate was only bidding time before striking again.
Men came and they tried. But one after the other they all left when the insurmountable wall before them refused to even be cracked, all except Jake, who had a bull dog tenacity in chasing me.
He was patient and took the shit I threw at him, never once complaining.
"What do you want!?" I screamed at him when I could take his pursuit no longer.
"You",was all he muttered.
"You can't want me. I'm damaged goods!" I replied on choked tears.
"I want you beauty, faults, and all", he replied calmly. "What you consider 'damaged' are the pieces that add character to your awesome person. I love you, Nuje. I have from the first day you walked into this establishment and I won't stop till I have you."
I stared at him speechless, unable to say a word. But I got to find out Jake meant every word he spoke as he hung around still even though I refused to date him.
He took a year before we even shared our first kiss and almost two before we tied the knot. Jake became my friend, my confidant, and my therapist and helped me regain my lost confidence.
Let me introduce my new self to you. I am now Honey Jake Duru. Oh yes, Jake christened me anew. He hated the name 'Nuje and suggested I drop it and I gladly did.
And yes, I have also come to realise fate doesn't have a mapped-out blue print for our lives, we decide what we want and go after it.
I have happiness in my life now because I had the confidence to go after it. I have been reborn. I have been renewed. I have found my lost confidence.