Have any of you ever sent a message to your t that sounds like this? T, The yearning...missing you...wishing to be with you like a child...It's why I am in adult mode almost always in our work and why I pull back so hard on those little parts. The shame for wanting this...and it never feels OK. YUCK!!!! I hate when admit these feelings! It makes me feel so ashamed!!!! Growing up, I was criticized and ridiculed for expressing needs. Now I criticize abd ridicule mysrlf!!! It seems so much more shameful now that I'm an adult. It's taking all the self control I have not to send a second message asking her to PLEASE ignore what I said earlier.
Reading this is making me tear up. I have not ever sent a message like this to my therapist… but… I just as easily could. I’m somewhere on the spectrum of coming to terms with the child longings and the conflict with those and what I believe I should be feeling (and not feeling) as an adult.
I was not really allowed to have needs growing up, and it’s not like I had the option of telling my parents, “Hey, that beating you’re about to give me will surely overwhelm me. Can we please try something different instead?” I vividly remember one beating, ostensibly for having misbehaved while shopping for a particular dress… and then having to smile for the family picture while wearing the dress… some time later, wearing the dress to attend a wedding. A few years ago I came across that family picture while visiting my parents… and felt such a visceral reaction to it that it was all I could do to not throw it against the wall as hard as I could, shattering its frame into a thousand pieces.
As an adult, I have struggled with feeling ashamed of both my needs and my limitations. I’m having to face the fact that I do have them, and lately I feel like all I do now with my own family is tell them I can’t do this and I can’t do that. I’ve been like a superhero who can do and take anything for so long… and all of a sudden I’m too tired to keep at it. It’s like all the needs and limitations of my entire life that I’ve ignored or set aside have finally caught up to me and said “Hell no, we will no longer be ignored!”
My therapist has made a point to convey to me that I am welcome with him, that all of me is welcome with him. That means all my child parts, all my maladaptive parts, even the part that wants to control everything about my therapy and our sessions. It seemed M struggled with that part for some time but has finally come to peace with it and welcomed it too… and now the path is cleared for us to work through all this other stuff. This process already feels messy and vulnerable… and very emotional… but I feel it has to be done… and even if not welcome with me, it’s welcomed with M… so I can feel the courage to move forward, to just put one foot in front of the other, in bringing up and exploring all of this in our sessions.
I don’t know to what extent my own experience is applicable to your situation. I do hope it helps you know that you are not alone… and that addressing this type of stuff is exactly what therapy is for. Whatever you sent… I’d say let it stand… and then in your next session talk about the various feelings you have about what you did send, feelings you have about your needs and limitations, and any concerns you have about your therapy, work, therapeutic relationship… all of that. You won’t be able to address everything in one session, so start with what you can bring up… and go from there.