So true. I'm really working on this.
And good on you for standing up to your ex. I let my son go stay with my exes parents every summer and every other Christmas/thanksgiving. He wasn't allowed to stay with his dad, only his grandparents. Then, when my son turned 18, I found out that his dad was hitting him regularly while visiting with him at the grandparents house. He had never hit him when we were together (I'm super strict about no spanking ever, and I probably would have killed him if he'd hit my child). I was devastated. You're very wise to draw this boundary. I was suspicious, but of course my son always lied and said everything was fine. Shoulda trusted that gut.
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It certainly isn't easy and I'm gutted for you that this was the case.
The grandparent situation would be exactly the same set up here too.
I was really miserable about it for a long time, but he's the one losing big. He destroyed his relationship with his son. And luckily my son's life with me was really good.