@crazybgadventure put into words what I am not able to do. I was very angry over some of your content, but this social network community we call the STEEM blockchain is marketed many times as being uncensored.
I am in full agreement @jerrybanfield with other commenters here, that you may wish to seek out spiritual or mental health counseling. I perceive that of late you have been very self-destructive. If you need help please do as you have shared that you have done in the past. Find counseling.
I wish nothing but good things for you and your family, but you must come first @jerrybanfield. If not you are no good to yourself, your family or anyone else for that matter. You will just become a burden, and I don't believe you want that to happen.
How do I know these things? Well, ask around. Many of us battle inner demons everyday.