Sexual harassment in the spotlight
Unless you live under a rock, or don't have any access to media, you will have heard of the MeToo and TimesUp campaigns. Women in Hollywood are speaking out against the pervasive sexual harassment in the industry, and all over the world, on social media, women are speaking out about their own experiences with sexual harassment and sexual assault. By now it should be clear to sexual harassers that women will not tolerate this type of behaviour and that it is time to change. But the Golden Globes red carpet has shown that there are still men who think they can hide behind a TimesUp pin on their lapel and pay lip service to the movement while not speaking out about their own part in the bad treatment of women. Men who have harassed women themselves - like the allegations against James Franco - or who have ruthlessly climbed up to fame on the back of women - see Justin Timberlake. Clearly the message hasn't sunk in, or else these men think that this movement is a fad, and as long as they pay lipservice they will be in the clear.
Male privilege isn't confined to sexual assault
There seems to be some confusion about what the TimesUp movement is really about. (Or MeToo for that matter, but it is my feeling that MeToo has been superseded by TimesUp.) Many, many men I have spoken to - and some women too, for that matter - seem to feel that "the movement has gone too far". "We can't even flirt anymore" is the most-heard complaint. Usually this stems from fear. If coercing a woman into sex is sexual assault, then most men are guilty of this. If an unwanted ass slap or unwanted lechery comment is sexual assault/harassment, then most men have to put their hand up and admit they have done this. It's all very well to condemn sexual harassment when it comes to big bad men like Donald Trump or Harvey Weinstein, but those men are the exception, surely? Because otherwise all men are sexual predators.
Male privilege is ingrained
Unfortunately male privilege has been so ingrained in men that most men are not even aware of their privilege. Even the most feminist men I have met have made comments that have made me stop and realise that men are truly not aware of their power. When complaining to my husband about a male colleague at work who will never let me speak at meetings, but will gladly present my ideas as his own, my husband insisted that my colleague being a man has nothing to do with it. Ladies, let me have it in the comments if men have taken credit for your ideas before.
The problem is, of course, than men are taught to suppress their "feminine" side from a very young age. Boys don't cry. Boys will be boys. Boys are encouraged to fight; girls are encouraged to get along. Boys are allowed to be catered to; girls have to help with the washing up. This isn't a nature vs nurture debate, boys are taught that they shouldn't show their feelings and so they grow up not caring about anyone else's feelings either.
Men need better education
To really change the world and break down the patriarchy, men will need better education. And what better place to start than when they are young? I am not sure that adult men can really completely change anymore. Which is why I am quite pessimistic about the TimesUp movement. But I do believe that we can raise a generation of sensitive men who will NOT feel entitled to women's bodies, time and attention. Teaching boys to listen to their feelings, express their feelings, and be conscious of other people's feelings will teach them not to feel entitled.
Men feel entitled to women's bodies, whether they acknowledge it or not. They have always been taught that women are weaker, inferior, dumber. Just look at what insults we hurl at certain men. Cunt. Pussy. Sissy. Girl. Why are these words - words denoting female anatomy - insulting to men? If men viewed women as true equals, then these words would be a badge of honour, not of shame. Men need to learn to view women as worthy individuals. Only then can we completely eradicate sexual harassment. Oh, I know that most men will say at this point, "But I do view women as worthy individuals." And I think that these men truly believe it. But at the same time, these men will still think that there is nothing wrong with commenting on a woman's appearance. They will think nothing wrong with pursuing a woman they want to have sex with, ignoring her signals that she is not interested. Most men are raised to believe that women owe them sex. That men are the hunters and women the prey. Most men are not conscious of that, but their behaviour tells the truth.
There is hope
We can change the world. But this change cannot come from women. I don't know why it is always on the shoulders of women to change things anyhow. In this situation, it is the men who have to change. Men: you need to acknowledge their privilege and change their behaviour. Even if it is difficult. Even if it feels unnatural. You need to become role models for the younger generation. Make sure your sons are allowed to cry and play with dolls if they want to. Hell, my son is a huge fan of My Little Pony and my husband and I actively encourage that. And make sure our young boys see you checking in with the women in your life. It is okay to be sensitive. And maybe then the future generation will have a chance at eradicating misogyny.
This is a very good post, that fits in nicely with my own post about intersectionality from last week: https://steemit.com/intersectionality/@didic/let-s-talk-intersectionality
I agree that many times it is placed on the shoulders of women to evoke change. For true change on a massive scale, it wil take men to self correct their behavior. I believe it is up to us women to voice and establish the rules of engagement and for men to respect them.
Are there "rules of engagement" though? Don't we just want to be treated with respect, and listened to? I thing the danger with rules is that everyone is different. Everyone likes a different approach to sex or relationships. But everyone likes being respected and listened to.
For example, we don't have "rules of engagement" when it comes to any other aspect in life, why should sex be different? Men seem to be able to treat other men with respect in the work place, or on the street, or in the shop, or on the dance floor. Why can't they extend that same courtesy to women? This article explains it very well, I think: https://medium.com/@annevictoriaclark/the-rock-test-a-hack-for-men-who-dont-want-to-be-accused-of-sexual-harassment-73c45e0b49af
I agree, so it’s not “rules” we women necessarily want, just the aspect of respect. In the same breath, maybe the better term should be guidelines for men and women engagement. As we continue to voice our concerns and desire I believe that it will lead all of us, male and female better insight on how to have respectful engagements. I will read this article as well thank you for sharing.
Most men dont seem to accept they have more power in society than women. They really just want you to shutup about it and get over it. I suppose the #metoo campaign is a good thing in making men realise that we wont shutup. I hope there is a new wave of feminism brewing in the air. I hate the witch trials because it turns it into personal stories about Hollywood,not a large scale socialised behaviour that needs to be completely turned on its head.
It is pretty sad that even talking about male privilege gets most men so defensive. As if acknowledging male privilege is a personal attack against them. As if acknowledging that sexual assault and harrasment is a problem is the same thing as calling all men rapists.
Can you DM me on Discord I would like to chat about something with you. @gnashster#6522 over there :)
Much love - Carl