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You enter the grand banquet room and take a position at the long table. As you lean back to observe the different areas of the room, you notice a man scatter rose petals over the floor. The woman next to you slides her chair closer to the man and leans close to speak into his ear. He turns toward her and you see his face light up with a smile. The next few minutes is spent talking, but you can only hear a few words here or there. You turn back and glance toward the staircase. You try to catch the eye of the man sitting across from you, but you cannot see his face. Neither can you see the handsome face of the man next to you. You wonder if they realise they are talking behind their hands for you do not have a spoon. You feel a warm, tired feeling inside you, but you refuse to let it show. You continue to talk as if this is the most natural thing in the world. The food arrives and you feel somewhat famished because you have not eaten all day.
This is the very first encounter. It is the first of many others to follow. There is the next meeting over coffee, the one at the bookstore, the many dinners together. You are so in love and so taken aback by his abilities. You find yourself including him in everything you do. You spend your days together, knowing that you would be together forever.
And then one day, he tells you that he does not love you.
His words are so strange to your ears, but you find that you do not care. You do not believe him. He has been so clear and so consistent, how can he say these things? You try to imagine how you would feel if that were the case. You close your eyes and try to remember your reaction the last time you were feeling a little drawn to someone, but you cannot remember.
You turn away from him and return your gaze to the room. You want to tell him how you feel, but you know it would only make things worse. So you say nothing and instead walk across the room to talk to your uncle. You turn back once, just to see him still standing in the same spot, watching you and smiling. The smile cuts deep into your heart and you turn away and continue your conversation with your uncle. You wonder if he will come to see you soon. You wonder if he will show up to take you to dinner too. You wonder if he will appear by your side tomorrow when you ice-skate with your children. You find that you cannot stop doing all these things. You find that you cannot stop loving him even though your mind and body tell you your feelings are wrong. You cannot stand the thought of hurting him.
You return to his apartment and close the door behind you. This time when you turn around, you see that he has changed something. The couch is still in the same place and his table has been moved slightly, but everything else looks the same. But you still cannot see his face. Your attempts are all in vain.
You tell him of your sudden revelation. You tell him how you now see why he is doing this. You say that you cannot be with someone who does not love you. He tells you that he has never loved you. You turn from him. You look out the window. The sky has darkened so that you cannot see the sun. You turn back to him and you cannot see his face. You hear his voice but you cannot see a mouth moving. You do not turn to him. You stay there, standing, staring off. Your mind goes wild and you start to cry. The tears run down your cheeks. No matter how much you cry it does not seem to matter. He does not apologize. He tells you again that he has never loved you. You turn away and walk slowly to your room.
You always knew that the day would come when he would leave you. But you always thought it would be for someone else. You always thought it would be because he felt guilty for leaving you. But those things do not matter. What you do not realise is that he is just trying to make it easier for you.
Once you are in bed, you cannot sleep. You have tried many different ways to get to sleep and none of them work. You have tried making the most insulting and degrading comments to him. You have even tried times when you flat out tell him that the two of you are perfect for each other. But each and every time, he responds with the same phrase.
"You are not perfect for me."
And you know that he is right, you do not believe in anything perfect.
And you realise that day you will never see him again.
You can't sleep. You remember that day. You remember the smile on his face. You remember the words that he had spoken to you.
Speak softly love. Speak softly love. Speak softly love. Speak softly love. Speak…
You wake up next morning. You are still sad and you still cannot get any sleep. Your eyes are heavy. Your head feels heavy. You force yourself out of bed and prepare to go to the airport. You cannot see the face of the man who laid beside you. But it would not matter if you could.
It's five minutes past nine. You are standing in the airport. You look across the concourse to the drink vending machines. You see the man standing there. But you cannot see his face.
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