Last night I asked my dreams if I'm ever going to meet someone in a romantic sense again or if I'm going to be alone my whole life and..
I dreamed I was home alone texting someone about imporant conspiracy theory type stuff and I had this feeling that I was worried someone was going to kill me.
I woke up a bit unsettled and sober feeling and was wondering what it could have meant in regards to the question I asked.
After thinking about it a while I was reminded that I probably shouldn't even really be trying to meet someone and that it would be more responsible if I just stayed alone cause I don't want anyone to get hurt because of me.
As much as I wanted to experience that whole love and family thing in life.. And I do think it could help in some ways to make me even more powerful and give me more energy to help the world..
I made a decision a long time ago in my mid to young twenties.. To go down this route of trying to help as much as I could even if it killed me, cause the state of the world is really messed up and we need more people to stand up against the corruption.
Latley I've been really frustrated and hating life and have been depressed and sad cause I'm getting older and I wanted to experience those things, though.. Maybe it's better I don't.
I mean.. I guess it's possible I could still meet a woman I'm attracted to who is also similarly interested in helping the world so passionately that she also isn't scared of the risks, but.. I sorta doubt that will ever happen. People who Genuinely want to help the world to the point they put themselves at risk are extremely rare.
It's hard enough even meeting a vegan woman around where I live, let alone an anarchist or someone who researches occult societies and secret governments and who is actively speaking out and trying to bring awareness to these things.
And in the end I don't need that, I just want to meet someone I'm attracted to who cares and who is supportive and understands that there's a risk of being with me. Yet.. Perhaps I should just stop getting so worked up over it and realize that I decided my path a long time ago and I thought about it a lot and I sacrificed my personal life and happiness to try to help the broader world.
Not that I'm even anything special anyways. I have a tiny audience/following and will probably never make much of a difference, lol. But I guess part of me likes to think that I'm a threat to the powers that shouldn't be just cause I'm one of a minority who actually somewhat knows about them and how they work to a degree and who actually speaks out and opposes them.
Whatever the case I think I need to make it a priority to finish the movie I've been working on and also start speaking out more again.
I was trying to sort of back away and have a normal life recently, yet.. I think it's too late for that. Not only have I left quite a trail on the internet, but the state of the world keeps getting worse and worse and my passion to help is too strong to just give up and back away from everything I fought so hard for for so much of my life.
We need more people to care about these issues in my opinion, we need every single person who genuinely cares as we can get and me running away to try to have a normal life isn't going to help..
Not sure I can do much in the big picture speaking out and making movies and poetry and all that, though.. At least I feel like I tried. That I followed my heart trying to do what I thought was right, even if society essentially rejected me because of it and even if it kills me.
Please don't put yourself down like that. Please. It seriously hurts me to see people like you lose hope who just want to help the world. I'm beginning to see so much of myself in you, I'm not even kidding.
To be honest, I don't really give a shit about myself either. I just want other people to be happy, and if it's because of me, then that's a cherry on top.
And don't think that you're never going to find someone again. You can if you try. You are the kinda person the world needs right now, and I know there's no perfect someone for anyone, but I genuinely think that you'll find someone. Maybe not exactly like how you'd like, but a big part of love is about accepting and living with our partner's differences and imperfections, isn't it?
Don't let fear take the front wheel. You are the one who is in control of your own life. No one else. It doesn't matter how many times you fall down if you keep getting back up every single time.
And about the part where you mentioned how you're not special, let me just tell you that a person who goes out of their way to help other people is not only special, but a true gift to mankind.
And even if we're not special, who the fuck cares? If everyone becomes special, then no one will be. What's most important is that there is at least one person is this world who loves us.
I really really hope that things get better for you. It's not easy for me to see other people hurt. Please try to get better and talk with a therapist if you need to.
You have all of my best wishes, brother.
You and I are very alike, my friend. In fact, I think you may be the person who I am most like in this entire world.
If you had my beliefs about the Creator, I think it would be of great benefit to you in regards to your seeking of a partner. Of course, I cannot just give you my beliefs. However, I intend to write a post this week expressing my thoughts on this topic, which are largely based on personal experience. I think it will be difficult to convince you in words, but your willingness to sacrifice for the greater good puts you in a unique position to test my theory, and should you find that my beliefs become your own, you will never need be afraid of a loved one being hurt because of your willingness to do good in the world again.
I will let you know later on in the week when I've written the post. Until then I can only advise you to perhaps not look for someone who is exactly like you. There will be little for you to learn from one another if you already agree on everything. Perhaps it's not a vegan whose into conspiracies and has a strong desire to change the world you should be seeking. But rather one who deeply appreciates the fact that you are all of those things - even if she is not, and who can inspire you to achieve the things you have dedicated your life to achieving.
That's really interesting to hear. I think I've heard similar a few times before in that I'm able to speak my thoughts in ways that other people feel like it's exactly the kind of stuff they would say. BUT in regards to you specifically it does seem like we have a lot of very similar interests in our studies and research and life experiences and such!
That sounds intriguing! I'm curious to learn more. :)
I'm eager to hear what you have to say, if I could guess maybe it would have to do with the idea that there is no death? So I shouldn't worry if anyone dies because we're all eternal or something like that? I'm very open minded to that idea, but yeah.. A would be difficult to convince my skeptical mind about certain things that might be impossible to prove like the nature of existence and eternal life and reincarnation and things like that.
Sounds good! And that's also some really good advice.. One reason I'd like to meet someone who shares similar interests is because we could help each other much more with those goals as we would both be somewhat experienced at them already,however it is a good point that we might learn more and be even more powerful if we were much more different. I think that's one reason why in the end I only look for two qualities. A good heart in the sense that I want her to truly care. And also physical attraction because without that I feel like we might as well just be regular friends.. So I mean in the end I'm really just looking for a pretty woman with a good heart. It seems like that shouldn't be too much to ask, though it sure is difficult finding one like that around where I live who also feels similar about me.. But.. I have a lot of work to do on myself as well so maybe when I make more money and stuff like that I'll be in a much better position!
It's always nice to read your thoughts but I'm really sorry to hear you've been frustrated and hating life lately my friend. The positive thing about suffering is that it helps you better appreciate the times when you're not. You deserve to be happy mate and I hope one day you find that happiness. Don't condemn yourself to a life without love if you can avoid it. In order to do your best for the world you need to be physically and mentally healthy yourself so maybe you need some time to rebalance your own life.
I really hope you feel better soon mate.
Tonyr!!! It's great to hear from you friend! :) It's been a while!
I appreciate your empathy and I agree with everything you said, however.. It makes me happy to try to help the world, and.. I don't want to put someone else at risk because of my passion.. So as I mentioned in the OP I'm not totally giving up on meeting someone, it just doesn't seem very likely or realistic at times cause it seems like so few people are similar to me in that they want to speak out against injustice and try to make the world a better place. I am open to meeting someone who just accepts me and the risk of being with me even if they don't speak out like I do.. Though it still seems very difficult for me to even meet someone like that! Lol.. So.. I think I would be a lot less fulfilled if I essentially sold my soul and gave up my passion to be in a romantic relationship and I feel like I'm less depressed when I look at it that way cause as least I have my principles and my values. Though hey who knows.. Maybe I'll still meet someone who can understand!
How have you been? I hope you've been doing well! I missed talking with you and I wish the best for you in life!
I've been good my friend. I feel better for the (extended) break. You know I understand exactly where youre coming from in terms of wanting to make a poitive difference in peoples lives and in the world in general but you shouldn't be a 24/7 martyr to the cause. This is your experience as much as anyone elses and you should of course fight the evil that exists in the world but you should also enjoy the beauty and have someone to enjoy that with, if thats what you want. No man is an island and we all need love, comfort, reassurance and protection.You're an amazing guy mate and soon, the right woman will see that and be proud to be at your side as you take on the world. Please don't sacrafice your own love and happiness. Instead, find that love and that happiness and use it to empower yourself and your struggle even more.
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Glad to hear you've been good! I appreciate your sentiments and concern.. And I'm not doing this 24/7 but.. It does feel like it sometimes! Since my young to mid twenties it's been almost nonstop.. But.. I do play some video games sometimes and hang out with friends and family and watch some interesting stuff on YouTube and enjoy good food and.. I try to meet women and drink some beer from time to time and appreciate nature and.. I try to make sure I have some happiness and fun in my life. :)
I guess I just feel dejected and unable to meet a woman who I'm attracted to who cares about the world and it's hard to be with someone who doesn't care about what's happening so I feel very unfulfilled in that area and it's majorly depressing.. And all the women I fell for except for Amanda who passed away have eventually broken my trust and been sexual with other men and then ditched me so it's tough sometimes to be optimistic especially when I'm also not making enough money and in a shitty place in life in numerous ways including my OCD.. But.. I haven't given up hope. I still hope I'll meet someone who can look past all that and in the meantime I'll try to make more money and work out more and enjoy the things I enjoy and try to work on my OCD and limiting factors and maybe some day something will happen. :) But if not.. At least I'm happy trying to help the world.. So, that's one reason why I wanna start speaking out again.. It makes me happy to try to help.
Thank you for your advice and encouragement and I hope you're right! I hope I do meet someone some day, though if not I think it's good to sort of just get used to being alone and to enjoy my life alone, all that self love stuff so many people always tell me about when I complain. Heh. And then I won't be as needy and have that desperate energy around me and I can meet a woman more confident in who I am. (HOPEFULLY)
Time will tell how it goes, though I am happier now that I've decided to speak out again cause that's important to me.. Especially when the world is in such a mess and we need people speaking out more than ever.
Go to your goal, no matter what, and you will surely meet the one who will share all your interests with you. You can't pass by fate, it's just not time yet
I'm not sure how you know all that for sure but I appreciate your sentiments and I hope you're right! :)
Great to read about this
Which part was great to read if you don't mind me asking?
Reading about how frustrating you are and how you desire a woman and move to desire to Finish the movie you are working on. I will be curious to know the movie after you are through finishing on it
That sounds really challenging man. Your emotion really comes through in your writing. It also sounds like you are very passionate about helping others which is nice to hear.
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It sounds like it's hard to have such thoughts. On the one hand you would like to meet a person and fall in love but on the other hand you feel compelled to help people and make the world a better place. It sounds like the latter also comes with the burden of the necessity of being alone (if I'm understanding correctly?). That sounds challenging.
I'm wondering if it's possible to have both - to be in a relationship (provided that it happens naturally of course) and also help the world as best you can? Also, would your partner have to have all of the same values as you or could they have their own values that are different then yours and yet the two of you still support each other? It's a genuine question and I am interesting in learning more about your perspective if you are willing to share.
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