Today marks a new chapter. I'll sum this up better as I've been answering text since I posted. Don't you loathe vague posts. I just did that while I gathered my thoughts and writings. Who is that old fellow on talk radio that says, and now for the rest of the story.... (Say that in his voice)
I used to have an acquaintance who wasn’t healthy for me. She would put me down often and smiled at my face. If she saw me happy, it pained her. If she saw I was making progress, she would try to hold me back.
Often, I’d learn of things she’d said when not in my presence. Worse yet, I would find that she would tell others about my personal problems—things I’d discussed privately with her. Then in an attempt to make herself feel better would befriend and talk poorly to, with, and about my weak areas.
I knew she wasn’t loyal, healthy and right for me. For a long time in weak moments, I actually believed in her putdowns and thought there must be something wrong with me. When family circled around for her approval and agreed with her, I decided there certainly was something horribly wrong with me. Often I tried relentlessly to rationalize her behavior because I did, infact care about her.
Sometimes, I assumed she hurt other people to lift her own fragile ego. Maybe she was just miserable and a lost soul herself, As we all are at certain points in our lives. No matter what the reasons, I tried to talk to her but her defenses would come up and she’d get angry, mean and make me relive the personal problems I had shared with her in an attempt to skim over her own shortcomings.
In the end, I grew tired of her toxicity, realized she was never going to change, shut her out of my life completely, and then, Quietly moved on. I stopped discussing it and pouring salt in the wound. Then over time, Simply let it heal.
Months, maybe even a years later, Family, unknowing people would mentioned her name, my heart would jump and I’d relive the pain.
All the old questions would emerge. About her, about me, my faults, my part in the story and about people who were meant to be in our lives.
I was fairly bitter (I'm downplaying) about what had occurred. I used to fantasize about all the things I would say to her face when I next bumped into her. I’d imagine my lists of people who would agree with me, those whom had received horrible letters from her, as I had. Those whom she has slandered while living in the same glass castle. In-laws, former employers. Those with the same laundry she was hanging from the flag pole. La tea dah bullshit. And do you know why, because it was anger masked as hurt.
But then, evvvver so slowly I saw the truth. I realized that my former friend was suffering—just like we all are. I realized that she was unhappy underneath all the negativity was unhappy.
It doesn’t matter. But it matters that I move on. It matters that I make amends with the fact that everyone isn't going to love or even like me. (You may need to sit with this for a moment, Still hard to believe I know)
Today, I am at peace my old friend, but more importantly with myself. I don’t take it personally anymore. I don’t mind that she is still angry. What I do mind it how it makes me feel. That is my choice. I mind my own happiness. My own thoughts and contentment when I lay in bed at night. I mind my own quality relationships that fill the voids. I mind the why I learned and grown.
I hope that she finds a way to make her life as positive and joyous as possible. Don’t we wish that for all our friends?
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