I drive at night because I find it meditative, especially in winter when days are so short that time seems to fold in on itself. I crave the silence and serenity this brings, seeing the mountains silhouetted against the landscape; each tiny pinprick of light a luminescent sign of life in the distance, so close and yet with the barriers of society pervading, preventing me from anything more than an outside glimpse. I feel alone, yet at one with the land. At one with the settlers who came across the great prairie, looking for a better life nestled in the foothills of a mountain.
To give thanks in solitude is enough. Thanksgiving has wings and goes where it must go. Your prayer knows much more about it than you do. ~ Victor Hugo
Sometimes I just want to keep on driving until I find myself in another land where reality is suspended, where I can find myself understood by a stranger and welcomed into a life not my own, one where people love me for who I am. It's not often I find that, and I often wonder when I do if it's just wishful thinking on my part.
Reality intrudes and I feel guilty, wasting a resource. Is my need to reflect in this way selfish or self love? Or is my need to drive just a prelude to the car wreck my life has become internally, where my emotions appear as splattered organs on the pavement, broken fragments of glass the vestiges of hope for the future?
Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time. ~ Thomas A. Edison
I was re-reading one of the sustainability posts I featured from mountainjewel, Winter is a Time to Dream and Rest, and I was struck by this phrase;
Inherent worth isn’t really a facet of many of our programming.
Our essential value as human beings is not a factor in what we are taught from birth. This is especially true for women.
Now I know some people were lucky enough to have parents where this statement is not true. But for the majority of people, self worth is something we learn from our friends. And if we don't have friends who continually slap us across the head and tell us to stfu with all the self abuse, how do we learn?
We learn from living life, reflecting on nature, through meditation and balance. Risking and failing give us the chance to self reflect and forgive ourselves for not living up to our own expectations - for not being the human beings we dreamed we could be.
Of all our infirmities, the most savage is to despise our being. ~ Michel de Montaigne
This is a continual lesson for me. Grace in failure. Learning to let go, knowing that I tried and failed, that I might have the courage to try again one day. Being open to the future, risking with my heart on the line, knowing I might fail. And even if I fail and try and fail again and again, I will try until my teeth hurt and my eyes fall out - because pain is better than knowing I never made the effort, never shared my thoughts with another.
There is also a lesson in knowing that maybe this is a time to step back and let myself recover and heal, to stop berating myself for any lack or failure. To let myself acknowledge silence and pain, winter and peace, to allow myself that long drive in the hills at 2am. To trust that I am worth loving.
Rain is grace; rain is the sky descending to the earth; without rain, there would be no life. ~ John Updike
photos of the rocky mountains at sunset by torico
What a beautiful post Torico. You really are a fabulous writer. Something about the night drive as meditation is so poetic. But I can totally see how that also conflicts with your environmentally conscious, sustainability focused side. Just one more thing to not beat yourself up over - thanks for sharing this short but beautiful meditation. This felt like a perfect post in a way to me - like you just let go and let this post rip and spoke straight from your heart, and you took me out on a journey and drove me back home. The quotes you picked to intersperse with your thoughts are lovely. And they make this post into a journey, a night drive. The top photo sets the tone for the post in a forlorn sort of way and the two photos together are wonderful bookends to this post.
I love you - Carl
Thank you!! It means so much to me to hear someone actually say that, and mean it, because that's what I need so much right now. to be loved. To be accepted. Even when I'm grouchy and emotionally volatile and raw with pain. Someone recently told me that I shouldn't need validation for my writing. Perhaps its a bit immature, but I want to know that what I say matters, that somehow another soul can relate to this highway that I drive on, and that it's ok to reach across barriers and want love as much as I do.
I tried to quit Steemit today. I thought I could just walk away. Hearing what ive heard tonight, I'd be a damned fool. I love you Carl!
Oh! Please don't quit Steem. That would make me sad. Honestly.
never!
https://steemit.com/life/@navpaaar/how-to-wish
This post resonates with me and I often feel the desire to drive, too. I don't find it selfish to take the time to reflect on one's life and to seek the peace that is sometimes lacking in our day-to-day grind. I really like the quotes that you chose and interspersed with your narrative. It is true that we don't always grow up with the nurture and support that we need for later in life. It is detrimental to us draw our heads like turtles and ignore our emotional turmoil. I resonate with:
Part of finding that place is by being vulnerable and allowing people to know who you really are. That is the hard part. You've got gone a long way of opening the door into your soul with his post. I left me with chills, maybe because I've been there, too. hugs
thank you my darlin rose hugs I believe you do understand, and wanting to share myself and my heart is my way of creating "peace love and understanding"... hippie at heart i guess :)
that is a beautiful thing, and you my dear, are a beautiful person that I was so fortunate to meet here in MSP! Much love
And remember my door is always open for you.
That's such a beautiful post, thank you for writing it. This whole post resonates with me. It is so easy to be hard on yourself and see failures where others don't. I have been writing for 20 years and feel like a failure because I haven't published any of my 6 novels yet. Yet I can't quit, because I need to write in order to live, despite not making any money on it.
From this post (and I will check out your other writing) you seem to be a very good writer and I am happy that @carlgnash resteemed it so it showed up in my feed.
Yay! This post totally resonated with me as well. So happy you found it through me :)
thank you so much! I never expected this much feedback, let alone acclaim. Writing is a very difficult field to achieve with any success. have you joined any of the writing servers?
No, I haven't found a writing server yet. I tried writersblock, but they won't accept my genre (erotic romance), so I'm still on the lookout. Can you recommend a server?
you can try Isle of Write They are a bit more lax with their rules.
Yes, you already know what you need to do...take that drive if it is the best way for you to reflect, contemplate and recharge. Your post reminded me of just how incredibly hard we are on ourselves. We can be so forgiving of others yet not afford ourselves that same grace. Seems to me that you are finding that balance. Just drive. You'll know when you are ready to turn back.
i wish i knew what to do. I feel like i'm driving backwards, into the past, and reliving all of my mistakes. that i haven't learned a damned thing.
Oh you have indeed learned something--a very valuable skill, actually. Introspection. There is no harm at all in going through periods of retrospection, in order to get your footing in the present. Take that time to look back and get alignment with your present ...just don't stay there. Let the pain exist for a little while without judging it. Decide what you want next---then bitch slap the world until you get it, because you know as well as I do that you can! Take your power back.
already tried bitch slapping the world for what I want. lost. according to some people the universe knows what I need, but it delivered this shit. other people say I need to love myself to find inner peace. that I need to give without wanting. introspection? been there done that. imho an endless supply of hugs would go a lot farther.
Here's a hug. HUG!!! And here's another....HUG!!! You'd get mad at me if I kept doing this. But what I can tell you is that you are a giving person, a person with feelings, you have a kindness about you, and you are indeed loved. What you are experiencing is a speedbump, not a roadblock.
Infinite hugs accepted and returned in kind, from both of you!
HUG
hug!!
wow this is really beautiful and touching. I am sinking into the depth of honesty you bring forth here and the pain you express. yes, continue on with the selflove... walking that fine line turning into a vast field, an open road, an expanse waiting to take you in and remind you you are worth it You are deserving you are beloved ... if the rides give you that, and give you clarity and perspective, i say they are a great tool in your toolbox of healing.
thank you for opening my heart tonight
much love, @torico <3
This. So much this:
thank you so much. it helps to know that someone understands, and is listening.
oh yeah i'm here & listening! <3 <3
This really reminds me of when I was young, in the Army, and stationed at Fort Carson, CO. We used to drive at night on a road that basically went around the outer edges of Colorado Springs. We would smoke a joint and talk about crazy stuff as we drove slowly down that road, dodging the tumbleweeds. That area, and up into the mountains on the old Gold Camp Road were probably the most magical places that I've ever been to. It really does something for you to get into that headspace where you can find some clarity of thought to sort things out.
Every day is a new possibility. It might be just more of the same, but it might not. That's what keeps me going through the winter, when I struggle the most with my depression.
This is a beautiful post. I love driving at night as well, sometimes when you're the only one on the road it feels like cruising in space, idk maybe im just too high :)
^^ love that
its ironic just as i opened this gif, rondon is playing the prodigy song...
I really loved this post. It was raw, it was honest and you could feel the almost sweet acceptance of sorrow dripping through your words.
You pained a picture of one who has been damaged, doesn't think that they can recover, but still has hope. That's a really beautiful and difficult conclusion to come to. I really feel for you and wish you well on your journey.
As a musician I would often come home from shows late at night and drive in the silence after all the chaos. The sound of silence is a beautiful orchestra sometimes. Don't feel guilty about 2am drives, cherish them.
Maybe you will like This Song by Gotye, called Night Drive.
I wish you well
thank you so much! i did listen to that song, i never listened to gotye other than that one song, so it was an eye opener.
I think that you are correct, the sound of silence is it's own symphony.
Co-incidentally , I posted that same Camus quote in PAL yesterday
heh. coincidence. i've actually been thinking about how that quote just doesnt fit in the piece.
The quote fits :) that's the beauty of Camus
Great post a real insight into what your eyes see and what thoughts your brain processes. I think alot of us on steemit like solitude and being introverted and its cool we have this platform to express ourselves
thanks sticky :) we introverts need to stick together (sorry couldnt resist...)
So many people already complimented you on your writing, so I am not going to be redundant. BUT, how about the photos, did you take those? Either you took them or not, they are great too, and they go great with your writing. :P and again, thanks for sharing your thoughts, they do resonate with many of us. :)
oh thats awful i am usually not so careless. yes, they are my photos, and i take many, tho in winter its more difficult. i think i need some isotoner thin gloves so my fingers do not suffer. colorado is beautiful in all seasons; i love the starkness of winter as the sun sets.
Well, they are both superb, especially with the writing. Great story telling from all sides!! :)
Oh the trials of life. Such a vast cavern of mazes. Sometimes I feel like I'm venturing off into some new transient path only to find it was a loop back ten steps from where I started. I love the seasons, they always remind me that there is a cycle that is going on and a power of rebirth that always will occur. Winter is the dying and shedding, waiting for the new that Spring will bring. Sometimes that cycle happens in a minute and sometimes it seems to take years in my life.
Thank you for your beautiful prose and making me feel like I am not alone on this mysterious journey. Power on :)
ty mle. I dont often have the time to give the seasons the recognition they deserve. I think its time.
To accept oneself and to find a peace in a soul is the greatly for each of us.. Good! +follow
This is wonderful. I often get carried away with solitude too. Sometimes I just want to buy myself in an anthology or just plug and go on a mindless trek. In those moments, I learn to be happy by myself, to pat myself know things well done and wonder why I make wrong decisions.
"Is my need to reflect in this way selfish or self love? "
That question pops up when my friends see me all along and decide to "help out". They understand that I embrace loneliness but they feel I'm depriving them of my time and warmth.
Honestly, I haven't found a good answer. But like you noted, "There is also a lesson in knowing that maybe this is a time to step back and let myself recover and heal. To let myself acknowledge silence and pain, winter and peace, to allow myself that long drive in the hills at 2am. To trust that I am worth loving."
Good post
hahaha the helpful friends. I wouldn't mind so much. friends are meant to be cherished :}
https://steemit.com/life/@navpaaar/how-to-wish
I love this piece of writing! I find that long drives put everything into perspective too, helps me reflect.
Wrote something on drives too, do give it a look ✌
https://steemit.com/writing/@sidrahwrites/my-heart-bled-on-paper
very good post
i am very happy and pleased you did take a step back and enjoyed the nature , the present moment , the now.And it really helps to remember where you were at a time without stress and pain.And a well written post great job!!!
ty! i have a plan to go again today...
This is beautiful!
Letting go of the past, and reaching out to the future and despite failing, one is not a failure until you declare you are!
Inherent self-worth most times we do not have but self-worth can be built!
Thanks for sharing this ma'am
ty ced :)
You welcome!
I did wonder a bit if you were driving and recording this though!
LOL
haha so funny
Very good articel, thanj you for the great work :)
Great post @torico ! Nice work, i upvoted. I am interested in the esoteric. If you are interested in this topic, I have similar material about meditation - https://steemit.com/meditation/@adeptus/the-basic-techniques-and-objectives-of-meditation
I wish you good mood!
Hey... U r gifted...really ... #keepwriting. #WILL be following ur posts
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