I'm mad and it's official. Sorry life got in the way. It feels like I've been away for such a long long time. I miss this community. I got into this addicting hobby which is online gaming (Ragnarok) - mainly to distract myself from the ills of this world. Then I fell a bit in love somewhere along the way. I lost my routine and everything else good. I lost myself again. I lost all the hard work that I've put into taking care of myself. Deep down I don't want to take care of myself anymore. It's absolutely exhausting. And so here I am crashing down again...
A lot of things happened recently but not all are necessarily bad. Most are just learning experiences. To be honest I don't have the energy to share everything and to even be sitting here and writing this... but let me try one more time. Part of my crash is also finally finding out that I have "borderline qualities" as told by a professional. I know as shameful as it sounds... given all the stigma that comes with BPD. I am to be avoided. Run for your life - I can be dangerous. Knowing this just makes me feel even more alone. What do I care now? I might die sooner or later. At least you know now that the Diabolika you try to love is not at all loveable. I destroy relationships, friendships and put hell into this earth. I am unforgiveable. All this self-doubt, feelings of rejection and abandonment eventually all came to me one fine dark evening. I sought intense physical pain to ease all the overwhelming emotional pain. Even just for a moment. Punishing myself extremely so I can feel just a little bit better. Just a little bit better.
I just started therapy and I hope it will work before I lose all hope. The idea of sweet sweet death consumes me everyday. I feel so tired maintaining this seemingly "perfect life" - keeping a job, a nice apartment, doing groceries, working out only to crash again... I don't want to be strong anymore. I pushed away all the good people who offered to take care of me. Why? So I can validate that I'm right and that I'm a horrible horrible human being. And that I don't deserve all this love and affection.
Damned if I do damned if I don't. I really don't want to isolate myself but I feel like I'd rather suffer alone than inflict more damage on anyone else. This is such a debilitating illness and somewhere out there I know I'm qualified to die for a reason. Because it hurts so so much and my mind bullies me everyday. I just want this pain to end. My remaining few friends still see the beauty and passion on me. And yet all I can see is the blackness inside.
I still want to get better in managing my emotions and maintaining relationships and having friendships without being sensitive, impulsive and hurtful. I am not my childhood anymore. I am not this condition. I hope you all still see the good in me. I'm here for as long as that "invincible summer" is still in me. If I can't anymore, then you have to forgive me. Not all of us are fit to tackle "life".
The kind of love that I'm looking for... beautiful, accepting. Unconditional. Thank you for your love...
BPD. That's a rough one. But recognizing the demon is the first step to taming it. Good luck.
Puff,you gurl...stop taking whatever they give you! You really have no reason to feel this low, unless you just wanna die, unhappy...
I wanna help! I'm sure there's lots of people that will love to meaningfully wish to help...just let as in, please...
I will try.. thank you.
Stop trying!! I use to say that alit to people while I was in the US... because people will use this like an escape...oh, I tried...
Just Do It!,be yourself,talk outloud!
Feel free of criticism,you can only learn from it.
You’re just choked because the dumb-asses that run this site have you in the forever 69 loop...Nasty business is the reincarnation template.
That aside, I’d say fcuk the DSM or whatever they call it.
I think I know what might work for you. Where I live the hills are alive with the sounds of gunshots as the valley has a shooting range.
I couldn’t imagine how good you would feel after emptying a Glock into the target!
All that angst would dissipate like a rain in the desert...
I see he’s learned to make himself right at home:)
How lucky you are you live where euthanasia is legal. We're like animals too...
They’ve (the universal a-holes) have been genociding the marginalized for decades here via opiates which was only the continuation of the weaponization of vice that has been used on us hobbits for centuries...See my blog from 15-days ago where I cover that ground.
We are much more than animals dear...
Think positive.
I've been following you for quite a while reading your posts and still want to keep doing so and interacting with you, so give some love to yourself and stay around.
Happy to hear you have started therapy, that can only do good.
Yeah it's like having a professional friend and it's okay if I talk all about me.
Hey, this is raw honesty here, but your worth isn't determined by your past or any diagnoses... it's okay to not be okay and it's okay 😁
You're not a burden, youre just a human being facing a challenge, but that doesn't make you unlovable or unforgivable. Keep at it, it'll get easier!
Thank you for these kind words. I need this.
the mind is a marvelous.... and many times miserable .... beast !! But powerful. Not much we can do to help but provide a sounding board and be here for you. Strength to you ....