Hey Steemit! Hope you are all well. I am happy to be here!
My name is Lee. I am a drummer, entrepreneur, and recent college graduate from the Southeast USA.
I decided to come to Steemit because my twin brother, Ben, took his own life a few months ago on July 22, 2017. Losing him has been the toughest pain imaginable. After recently celebrating our birthday without him (September 24th), my grieving over Ben accelerated exponentially.
Grieving absolutely sucks and is impossible to escape. So, I created a Vimeo channel as a way to cope with his passing. Me and my Ben’s bond as twins was rooted in music, so in each video uploaded I will memorialize him by playing along on drums to songs that capture Ben's spirit. I'll also throw in short backstories that portray what it feels like to be a twin brother.
Here is the first video. The backstory of the song's significance to me and my brother can be found below.
I plan to upload a new video/story once a month, so check back!
A Twin's Story About Love
Growing up, Ben and I fought often -- almost daily. The amount of friction between us was baffling at times. However, when music was involved, being around each other was absolutely effortless. Music made it fun to be around each other. Our shared love for music eventually boiled over into a deep love for each other.
My first video includes a song Ben showed me in his car in high school eight years ago. It's a song called "Bodysnatchers" on Radiohead's In Rainbows album. Hearing it for the first time felt like my body was jolted with electricity. My reaction was no surprise to Ben. He already knew I would freak out over the song. He watched with his characteristic, shit-eating grin as I sat there elated and mystified.
I was hooked after that first listen. I listened to “Bodysnatchers” again and again, searching for the moments that gave me the same unanticipated jolt of electricity. Eventually, I maxed out my my tolerance with listening and it was time to take "Bodysnatchers" to my drum set.
With speakers blaring and high school angst raging, I proceeded to play along to “Bodysnatchers” on my drums hundreds and hundreds of times, my brother listening angrily from his bedroom. Ben utterly despised everything about my drumming, at least in the initial years when I sucked at playing them.
Ben's frustration with me over drumming "Bodysnatchers" quickly lead him to grow tired of it. He told me, "you definitely like the song more than me. It's just not that good of a song, Lee." Right, Ben. It’s a fucking amazing song.
Ben absolutely still loved "Bodysnatchers", but that's not how our twin dynamic operated. If I took an interest in something that Ben already liked, Ben would dream up some bullshit reason for why he didn't like it anymore (“it’s just not that good of a song, Lee”).
---> Fast forward six years. Our twin dynamic was drastically different. Ben was in a horrible spot mentally and I worried for him. Looking for a solution, I decided to buy Ben and I tickets to see Radiohead live in April. I of course knew Ben was struggling, but was completely unaware he was likely already planning to end his life four months later. The trip was his goodbye.
Radiohead’s tickets sold out instantly. But, with some redheaded luck, I was able to grab us two amazing tickets. While most of our friends were unable to get any tickets at all, I somehow managed to get two general admission tickets right next to the stage. It was meant to be. Telling Ben I got us tickets that close to the stage was the first time I heard him get excited about anything in a long time. It gave me hope for him.
After purchasing the tickets, Ben and I both agreed without any hesitation that we would wait as long as needed to snag a great spot at the show. We ended up waiting eight hours in the sun. After many beers and Ben stubbornly refusing to put on sunscreen, we found ourselves fifteen feet from center stage at Radiohead.
The show was unbelievably good. But, my favorite moment came during the second encore when Radiohead played it. Eight years had passed since Ben first showed me "Bodysnatchers" in his car, and Radiohead was fucking playing it. The jolt came back on overdrive. Memories and emotions of high school came over me like a waterfall, so much that I cried during the last half of the song. I couldn't believe what I was experiencing. Seeing "Bodysnatchers" live was musical nirvana.
My brother, on the other hand, saw my emotional catharsis and immediately began laughing uncontrollably at me for being "soft." With the same shit-eating grin, Ben reiterated my "softness" on the car ride home multiple times. I don't blame Ben for poking fun. Ben didn't realize that "Bodysnatchers" captures his suffering precisely in it's lyrics:
"I do not understand what I've done wrong"
"I'm trapped in this body and I can't get out"
"I have no idea what I'm talking about"
Maybe, it was the song’s connection to my brother’s suffering that made me cry. Maybe, I cried because it was some synchronistic way of the universe telling me it was one of the last times I’d be with him. Twins know much more about their counterpart than they realize.
I love you, Ben, and will miss you always.
P.S. you never paid me back for the $110 Radiohead ticket, asshole.
This post is pretty much undervalued. I feel connected directly to your heart while reading this soul lifting piece. It's not easy to lose a loved one so close as a twin brother.
I hope you get the strength to bear the loss and continue to get inspired for the rest of your life
Accept my condolence sir
You welcome lee to steemit.just a little advice, to succeed here you need a lot of diligence and patience. Enjoy the journey even as the funds flow in. I upvoted you. You can follow me so we can connect. Goodluck
Hello, Grooveginger, I'm just here to leave a nice Hello ^^. Unfortunately i don't have much voting power, but i will be back and vote my followers. Need to grow a little ^^. Have a great time @rightuppercorner
Hi! I am a robot. I just upvoted you! Readers might be interested in similar content by the same author:
https://steemit.com/introduce/@grooveginger/first-post-dedicated-to-my-twin-brother-who-recently-passed-away
This is his duplicate post.
It's very nice meeting you, Lee. Very sorry to hear about your loss. RIP BEN. TBH Lee, I am speechless. I have never been in your situation, but I can totally feel as a human how painful and lonely it can be when you lose your best friend like a twin.
You are a good Drummer, Lee. I would like to hear more from you.
Upvoted, Resteemed and following you to see the post from you in future. I am pretty sure that you didn't mean to post this three times. You can go back to your previous post, click edit and enter delete since posts ca't be delete here on Steemit.
Lee, it's an amazing song.
I'm writing this with tears in my eyes and my vision is completely blur. I have absolutely no clue how you feel after such a colossal loss, and there will not be mere empty condolences or reassurances from me, should we begin to interact here (I hope).
There is however, one thing that I CAN tell you - life seldom unfolds the way we plan it, when things spiral out of control and nothing seems to be going the way we planned, that's when we hit rock bottom, but that's also when you really have nothing to lose and can discover within yourself complete and utter faith (I don't know if you believe). It really helps, Lee. It does. I'm no stranger to deep loss, although I would never be able to compare anything to what you have gone through.
All I have in my heart at the moment for is prayers and lots of love, lots of hope. For you and your loved ones who mourn Ben. Have faith in whatever good you believe, and Lee, I do believe you'll see him again, maybe in another life, and thank good karma maybe, you'll be made up to for the pain you're going through. There is a natural order of life, of nature, of this world, and what's taken will be returned to you tenfold - once you let that thought consume you, it helps.
Take one day at a time, don't run from confrontation. Listen to the song till you've emptied out your heart, look at his pictures and think about him, try not to block him out - this is important for self-healing. It may feel completely dark and suffocating, but it'll get better. One day at a time, and time will begin to strengthen your soul, you will never forget him, but one day you might tell your grandkids the reason you love the song by Radiohead, and that day it won't hurt so much, maybe you'll even smile a little.
This is the first introductory post that has gotten me completely speechless - I do not know the right words to welcome you to this platform, Lee, but I do know and can say for certain that people here are absolutely loving, caring and compassionate. Everyone is nurturing with the other and we all help each other cope with pain and loss. Writing is one of the most therapeutic ways of dealing with grief and pain, and it will definitely help from time to time. Feel at ease to share with us anything you wish, whether it's a memory, an experience, or just a dream - anything, and we'll always be here to offer whatever we can to get you through. Should you need anything, Lee, please do count me as someone you can always speak to.
Get your https://steemit.chat made, and hit me up anytime, I would love to speak to you.
I wish you all the best in this journey that you're starting, Lee, and you're not alone. Welcome to Steemit.
Lots of love to you.
Welcome to Steemit, Lee! And thank you for sharing such a personal story with us all. I was moved to tears! I can't even imagine the kind of pain and grief you have been going through. I know I'd be in a lot of pain if any of my siblings passed, but I can never know what it means to have that kind of a bond with a twin. I look forward to reading more of your posts and watching more of your videos!
Welcome, sorry for your loss
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STOPHey , how are you ?
welcome to steemit. @grooveginger
following you now. :D
follow me back pls.
Please do not spam. Your posts will get flagged if you do.
I am really sorry for your lost as long as you remain who you are , keep it up and you will be in success, followed you since you have potential on creating articles.
A new Steemian ^^ hello @grooveginger I hope you enjoy your time here, its a great community ! Nice post, wish you much luck! I will follow your account. Don't hesitate to contact or follow me at any time :-) See you around @tradewonk
I am so so sorry for your loss, Lee! My condolences to you and your family. I cant even pretend to imagine what you must be going thru. Big hugs to you and welcome to Steemit!
Respect! You have a fresh account so I wanted to personally welcome you. Have an upvote and I'm waiting for many more posts in the future!
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