RE: Psychology Addict # 39 | Need For Approval & External Validation

[erh.germany]

Thanks for the question.

Because it shows me that if devaluating another person is my strategy in feeling better than I may be a winner of a debate but a loser of a relation (and my "face").

Devaluation actually is hurting my self esteem. I made that experience with people after fighting with them. When I said something mean I afterwards felt utterly bad. The satisfaction for having expressed something devaluating lasted exactly thirty or so seconds while adrenaline was still in my blood. Cooling down, I realized that the only one who I was fighting with I was myself. Even thinking bad of someone takes me down and leaves me dissatisfied - how about you?

I made the experience that finding consensus and respect makes my relationships richer. In the long run I don't have to spend so much energy in my self-esteem, it will come more naturally when I treat others good. Within this I still can remain critical and active.

... Not easy to practice, though. I am still falling into old patterns and habits.

To lose someone into one becoming an enemy which also I would have had a chance to befriend myself with is a loss which is not necessary. We are all also contributing to the big picture, don't we?

Comments

[egotheist]

Thanks a lot for the extensive reply :)

When I said something mean I afterwards felt utterly bad.

Is this associated with everybody or just the people you feel a connection to? For me, it's somehow hard to imagine feeling bad about treating people badly for which I don't care in the slightest.

Even thinking bad of someone takes me down and leaves me dissatisfied - how about you?

For me it's pretty simple: if people behave in a way which justifies a harsh reply - I will usually go for it. I don't feel bad about it at all. Why would I? That person did something, so he has to live with the resulting consequences.

[erh.germany]

Is this associated with everybody or just the people you feel a connection to?

I try to stretch that to everyone as I believe connection goes far beyond people I meet in person.

Like this:

A farmer whose corn always took the first prize at the state fair had a habit of sharing his best corn seed with all the farmers in the neighborhood.
When asked why, he said, "It is really a matter of self-interest. The wind picks up the pollen and carries it from field to field. So if my neighbors grow inferior corn, the cross-pollination brings down the quality of my own corn. That is why I am concerned that they plant only the very best."
source: http://info.stiltij.nl/publiek/meditatie/studie/zenstories.pdf

See it as a self interest of mine to not wanting to let my anger or judging win over another human. As thoughts are not very much different from seeds I'd give the seed to whoever I disagree with, even then. At least, that is a practice I want to make into a habit and get better.