Here's a story I haven't told before, because I feel sad writing it - I don't like hurting people, and this one stings a little when I think about it. The worst is that it's not the only time I've broken some one's heart. I can't tell the other stories, though. This one will have to do.
When I was 29, about the age this photo was taken, I travelled around Europe with my son, who was 4 at the time. In the Czech Republic, I met a guy who I ended up spending a lot of time with. I liked him, because he was funny, and because he played guitar and wrote his own quirky twisted folk lyrics and was troubled, which seemed to match my own troubled heart, fresh out of a relationship that had always been doomed to fail. I was looking for someone to like me for me, which so far no one had, so the friendship I had with this man seemed important.
Let's call him Samuel, for the sake of the story. Samuel heard voices, sometimes. They weren't nice voices - they made him feel paranoid and insecure. I'm the kind of person who doesn't judge people on these wierd kinds of facts and Samuel's intelligence, curious nature, creativity and musical heart made me really, really like hanging out with him. We spent a lot of time together, particuarly in a little town called Cesky Krumlov in the Czech Republic, where a whole group of us just couldn't leave this gorgeous medieveal town and had a heap of very intense friendships going on that felt like family. We'd sit on old rubber truck tyres and float down the river smoking joints and talking about life, drink beer for a crown on the side of the Vltava, and play music by the fire in a rooftop garden behind a ramshackle old hostel called the Labrint, run by a Brazilian woman called Maria.
Eventually I ended up in Prague, then Krakow, and then down to Dubrovnik with my ex for a bit, so he could spend time with his son. But I really missed my Krumlov family, some of which had ended up in Prenzlauerberg, Berlin, housesitting for a Czech woman who was on holidays. I was emailing Samuel back and forth and decided I was going to go up to Berlin - despite my original destination being Italy and Spain. Two trains later and there I was, sharing a bed again with this man. It was a wonderful time. It was hot in Berlin and we'd go out all day and dance about whilst he busked. I remember my son's mouth stained with cherries, smoked eel, pretzels, a rave at a lake somewhere, techno (there was always someone around to look after my son, it seemed - as I said, family), and other stories I probably shouldn't tell. It was kinda wild and beautiful and raw, and for the first time in my life I felt loved for me, not some version of me people wanted me to be. It was very liberating, to be so far from Australia.
Eventaully the voices got too much for Samuel and he went back to England, up to Yorkshire to a friend's place, and that was that. Except it wasn't that - when I got back to the UK, I spend some time with him, where his friend warned me 'not to break his heart', and in my naivete and my flippant, wild, irreverent, travelling vibe, I didn't even think that's something that was part of any story of mine.
In the wake of 9/11 I fled home, and spent the following year longing for the northern hemisphere. We wrote a lot to each other. Sometimes, a phone call. He wrote a song for me, about me, something about the scent of vanilla left on a pillow. He wondered if it was 'love'. I dismissed it. I liked him, and was entertaining the idea of being with him, but I think that was because I was lonely, and he was a friend with benefits. I feel a shame about this now, looking back. How willing the young are to break hearts in pursuit of something they aren't sure even exists.
In England the following year, I arranged to meet him on New Year's Day in York. My son was at his Dad's in London, and I was going to be in Ediburgh with friends for Hogmanay. Except a week after I made this promise, I fell in love with my now husband of twenty years. Utterly, totally, love at first sight smitten. Obsessively, absolutely, completely in love. So on New Years Day, I didn't get off the train at York. I kept going, all the way to Brighton, where Jamie would meet me - and even that part of the story is a crazy story to tell, but for another time perhaps. Or perhaps I've even told it here before.
By the time I got back to London, I had forgotton about my promise to Samuel. I had fallen into a dream whereby my future was unfolding in rose technicoloured glory. He rang, and we spoke, and I apologised. Still vibing off the 'family' connection of Cesky Krumlov and Berlin, I told him I'd met the love of my life.
'I was holding a candle for you', he said. An odd expression - it means that someone's been holding feelings for someone for a long time. How awful I felt. How flippantly I'd played with this man's heart, though I hadn't meant to.
We did catch up, many years later, both of us happily partnered. I was but a long ago love, pale in significance to the strong relationship he had built with an old friend that had blossomed into love. I was so pleased for him. We still like each other's posts on Facebook. All's well that ends well, I think. But I still wish I'd been a little more self aware.
Have you stolen someone's heart and then broken it? This is a question asked by @galenkp in his Weekend Experiences prompts of the week.
With Love,
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Maybe you already know this about me but I'm a sentimental one. It's ok. It's part of the human experience. To have one's heart broken. Your story reminded me of my own narrative. I'm about that age. I've broken my fair share of hearts..and have been broken.. and it weighs on me sometimes..
I guess that's just love, though - or relationships, or being human... Someone is always bound to suffer in some way. What it teaches us about how to be a better person is what counts, right, fellow heart breaker?
I never meant to hurt anyone, as I'm sure you didn't.
no, and the NOW me would be a bit more self aware and less selfish!!!
I think it is a necessary part of the journey of life. I married my first wife and then met my now current Good Lady of many years shortly after. That was a heart breaking and a half. I do regret the misery it caused and my part in that misery but hey ho. It makes us who we are!
And you can't actually help it when the right one comes along, right? It must be quite hard to end a marriage and even harder to do it without one or both being wounded.
It is a beautiful and somewhat tragic story, and sometimes I feel like we all have these and we keep them locked away in our own little treasure boxes inside. In a way, it is an act of bravery to share them and set them free, so good for you!
I know my own variation of this story, dating back to my university days. We parted ways for reasons beyond our control, but I carried a torch for her for almost 25 years even though I didn't know what happened to her or where she ended up. There was never a reconnection, and sometimes I still wonder what we might have been even though I am quite happily married now. It sits there, like an open end that will never be closed.
I have another one like that - sometimes I Google him but he seems to have disappeared. I like to think of him living his best life with a beautiful woman in the south of France or something, but maybe he's a bald service manager at a supermarket. I just count myself lucky to have had so many beautiful lovers in my life that taught me so much. Sometimes they are only there to prepare you for the one to come 💓
It's wonderful to see people sharing such stories with us. That's why I joined Hive; I can share stories without fearing judgment, and I feel accepted and supported. You're strong 💪
I love Hive for the same reason!!
Though the story was quite painful while coming to an end, with so many ups and downs, Happy! that it ended well, as both of you are settled with your partners on either side and still in touch atleased in FB.
A very beautiful love story, hearing your story I can imagine how your love journey with Samuel will be, I have never had someone who loves me like that, I hope you are always happy sister
I doubt you read the whole post but thanks.
Previously I only read half of it, because the other half couldn't be translated due to network problems, now I have read it all. I think I once became a Samuel because of my unrequited love for a woman who was now about to marry someone else, but strangely, even though I was hurt, I could never hate her, and now we rarely communicate because I afraid of disturbing her future husband's feelings
Unrequited love can hurt, right? Especially if you at least want to be friends with someone but can't because of their new relationship. Thanks for coming back.
You're welcome sisters, but I have to stay strong and always hope to find true love one day
I don't normally say this but, thank you for sharing <3 It can't have been easy, and while you might not have been very self-aware then, it takes a lot of awareness to be able to speak out about stories where (like here) you were "the bad guy". Though I don't think you were. It doesn't sound like you set out to break this man's heart which would've indeed been cruel. You fell in love with someone else - a very important and valued someone, as it turned out. To act any differently would've been wrong, I think :)
I carry guilt a lot - it's kinda a woman's thing isn't it? I don't think men in the same situation would have dwelt as much.
Great line!
A sad story, but very well told, with a happy ending for both of you.
Sometimes a line just enters the stream, doesn't it?!
I didn't know you were a heartbreaker. But with that look at that time. I'd say I'd fall and get my heart broken and enjoy every bit of it. 😉
It's a sad story with a good ending. You met your husband and got to share some time finding something you were missing. I guess that part of the essence of life. We never when when we're doomed to be a sort of bump in the road for someone else.
I definitely think you're right. He had some ill fated relationships too.. they were just setting us up for the real deal.
And it turned out to be perfect at the end.
My heart has been broken before. But it later got mended when met my husband. It's a good story to learn from.
Oh, how I fancied this topic to write on...but then thought what if my rose weaponises this to bully me later on...lol.
You have had quite a journey but it is satisfying to know you have satiated your instinct, sometimes destiny takes us where we belong; 20 years of togetherness is awesomely awesome. Take love...💕
If your person weoponises anything against you, they aren't worth knowing.
True indeed.
I don't like sharing personal issues with others anyway, not even with the closest ones; whatever it is, it has to die with me... peace of mind.
Good thing you share about this, everything's gonna be okay, have a nice day