I think it's strange how people hold on to numbers, to dates... Today was my mum's birthday, and just like every year since she passed away, sadness is all I feel.
The Day That Changed My Life
September 26th, 2007. More than 11 years ago... Time really flies, even if you're not having fun.
It was just like in the movies.... I was at home, having fun with my ex-husband and some friends when the doorbell rang. I opened the door, and there was some cop standing outside. He asked for my name and if he could come in for a sec. Still not knowing what to expect, I let him in.
In the hallway, he told me my mum had died from a heart attack, on her way home from work. At first, I wouldn't believe him. I literally asked him twice if he was kidding me. Apparently, he was not.
She was only 54, and her extremely unhealthy lifestyle - workaholic, alcoholic, bon vivant in general - had taken its toll.
I don't remember a lot from that evening, except that while I walked the half a mile to my parent's house to see my stepfather, I looked up and noticed it was a full moon. The other thing I remember is a terrible thought that was going through my head: "I'm free, I'm finally free".
That may sound like I'm a terrible person, and that I didn't care about my mum, but that isn't true at all. I really loved her. She was a great person, with an open mind and an open heart for everything and everyone. She taught me that everyone was equal, that everyone deserved a chance, and to share what you have with the people who need it most. She taught me I didn't have to be like everyone else, that it was a good thing to be different, to think for my own and to make my own decisions, instead of following the herd.
Still, when it came to me, she also had a lot of expectations I couldn't, or wasn't prepared to fulfill. She was part of the generation who was taught that a person could only be happy if he was 'successful' in life, which - in her eyes - meant that he had a job and earned a good living.
For me, being happy has nothing to do with those things. I guess it was just a generation gap, but it prevented me from living my life like I wanted to without feeling guilty towards her, without feeling like I let her down.
That ended the day she died.
The Days After
Of course I was sad. I think it's only normal you feel sad when your mum dies. I was only 30 years old, and was still trying to find my way in life. When you're 30, you need your parents just as much as when you're 20. Heck, I'm almost 42 now, and sometimes I still want that I would be able to get their advice. Or simply some information about things that happened when I was a kid, because I don't remember myself.
However, the week after she died, there wasn't a lot of time to feel sad, as there were so many things that needed to be done. Fortunately, me and my stepfather were very close, and together, we struggled through arranging the funeral, taking care of all the paperwork and everything else that needed to be taken care of.
Unlike me, the poor man never recovered from her death, and he died a little less than 3 years later. There are some signs that tell me he died by choice, but I had to learn to accept that I'll never know for sure.
When he died, I was on my own taking care of everything. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, but I managed.
Triggers For Sadness
It has been so many years ago, I can really say I have given it a proper place in my life.
Like I said at the beginning of this post, it has freed me from a lot of obligations and expectations, and has given me a chance to start living my life the way I wanted to.
Sadness has been replaced by memories, pleasant as well as less pleasant.
But still, there are things that trigger the sadness again.
If I wouldn't have looked at the calendar and had seen that today was February 18th, it would probably have been a day just like every other. Simply by noticing today would have been her birthday, sadness has taken over.
Or like last week, when I was cleaning and opened a long-forgotten box in which I discovered their wedding rings, of which I had completely forgotten I still had them... I was surprised to find out how much it still hurts, and how much I still miss them.
And then there are the songs...
One of the traditions here when you're preparing a funeral - or better, a cremation ceremony, since both my mum and stepdad were atheists - is that you select a couple of songs to be played during the ceremony, songs that somehow represent the life of the deceased, and a short, meaningful text to be printed on small cards that are handed out to everyone who attends the ceremony.
Even after all those years, I can't listen to those 6 songs (3 for my mum, 3 for my stepdad), because they make me cry my eyes out. Sometimes I wish I had chosen different songs, because in some way, 6 of the best songs in history have been 'ruined' for me forever - if I hear the first notes, I switch off the radio or turn to a different station.
'The River' by Bruce Springsteen, 'Let It Be' by The Beatles, 'Knocking on Heaven's Door' by Donovan, 'Stairway To Heaven' by Led Zeppelin... Every time I hear them they trigger so many emotions of which I'm not aware they are still there...
And the most beautiful one of all I not only selected to be played on their funeral ceremonies, but I also chose to have the lyrics printed on their 'in loving memory' cards, because it was the perfect representation of who they were and what they both stood for in life.
I've decided to make it my track of the day. I hope you listen and enjoy, especially because I can't - no matter how much I want to...
This one's for you, mum and Paul...
Imagine there's no heavenIt's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the peopleLiving for today...
Aha-ah...Imagine there's no countriesIt isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion, too
Imagine all the peopleLiving life in peace...
You...You may say I'm a dreamerBut I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as oneImagine no possessionsI wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the peopleSharing all the world...
You... You may say I'm a dreamerBut I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as onefrom Imagine by John Lennon
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I am sorry for your loss. speechless, it brought tears on me. I feel honored to read your life story.
Thank you and may you healed completely.
Thanks, @sherylneil.
I think it's something that will never heal completely, you just learn to live with it. And most of the time I feel perfectly healed, and then there's a day like this one, on which it all seems like only yesterday...
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Only time can heal wounds on our hart.
I don't think time heals wounds, you just learn how to live with them and give them a place kn your life...
There are many helplessness in life.
So learn to choose
Know how to choose
Can start a new journey
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Hugs
I understand the triggers and I was almost 50 when Mum said goodbye and there are times I wish I had her. She was my rock.
My takeaway with this is what you said about your Mum... and I wonder if I am that person to my kids. Laying on the expectations like a thick coating of tar..... I try and find the balance between letting them be and being the best they can be... but who knows how they are processing it....
Thank you so much for sharing this with us.
I think no matter how old you are, and how many disagreements a mother and child might have... there is still that bond that ties them.
<33
I love that song too
Thanks.
I don't have kids myself, but I assume you never know as a parent. My mum was brought up as a child of laborors who only wanted for their kids to have a better life than they had. I'm sure my mum only wanted the best for me, but had taken over the values her parents had taught her. I believe every parent only wants the best for his children. And it is still an ongoing idea that being successful in society, is a good thing.
I'm probably an exception of the rule, because although I love teaching, my job as a teacher makes me unhappy. I don't like having to comply to the rules our education system has set, so I'm muchhappier being unemployed, even though that means I have to do with less. My mum.couldn't get that. Like I said , I think the generation gap had a lot to do with how we looked at life.
The only way to find out how your children are experiencing your efforts as a parent, is by communicating about it, I guess. There's nothing wrong with stimulating them to allow them to become the best they can be, but I think it's important to agree on what 'the best'means to all parties.
Being unemployed for more than half of the years since I graduated, has given.me the chance to work on personal growth, which I think is way more valuable than having a good job and earn a lot of money.
Of course, it's easy for me to make that choice, because I live in a country that has a social security system in place, which is one of the best ones in the world...
I'm sure we all do the best we can
It may not always be best for the other person... and that's where the parent child dynamics can be tricky
I do communicate with them all the time... but sometimes their choices scare me... but it shouldn't because my Mum (surely not from her time) even though wanted so much more for me, supported my decisions of becoming a DJ. And over the years, I realise how crazy that is... but of course right up to the end, she waited patiently for me to get a real job ... hahaha... Bless her
The Hubs is a lot like my Mother... so they are lucky in that sense.... he tells me let them be the best in what makes them happy.... which is also what I want for them... but I have these triggers and these fears and on a bad day these little "expectation gremlins escape and have a field day"
Keeping them in check... even more so now that I read your post <33
That's one of the reasons I decided I didn't want to have kids. I would probably have limited them because i would be so afraid that they would make the wrong choices, or - even worse - that something would happen to them. I'd probably lock them up in a golden cage and control their entire lives, even with my background.
So I presumed having kids wouldn't be not such a good idea :0)
hahahaha
Yeah, I have considered that
Locking them up in a basement or something hahaha
Lucky houses in my country don't have basements or attics ;p
Thanks @simplymike
<33
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Personal stories are hard to share for most people especially the painful ones. You story is very moving and reminded me of my mom who I also lost. Hearing songs from the bands that she loved was always like a needle piercing my heart. It passed as I grew older but memories remains.
It's very unlike me to get this personal in my posts - or in real life, for all that matters. But apparently I needed to get it out :0)
Most of the time, I have been able to give it a place and it doesn't really affect me. Except when I'm confronted with such triggers as i mention in my post...
I don't believe that time heals all wounds... you just learn how to live with them...