An acquaintance of my wife was recently preparing a replacement for her role so she could go on maternity leave in a few months. Unfortunately at the most recent ultrasound, the baby had no heartbeat and will be stillborn. This must be one of the most heart-breaking and traumatic experiences for a woman to experience, especially these days when it is relatively uncommon. And then to have to go through the birth process still seems like piling trauma onto trauma and I suspect that the psychological damage for the mother and all closely involved, will be lasting.
This is an image of the drip my wife had in the delivery room.
The average age of mortality has increased significantly in the last century and a half, because infant mortality has declined so much. There is so much more known now about hygiene, nutrition and the medical procedures themselves, that we are no longer (at least in the developed world) as exposed to child mortality as we once were, often forgetting that there are indeed a lot of dangers and risk factors still. Over the years, I have known a couple people who have lost children after birth and I am not sure if a day goes by where there is at least some thought about it. Then there are the many who have had miscarriages early on in the pregnancy.
This is normal life.
Understanding that it is part of normal life, doesn't make it easier though, does it? But there is a far thicker layer of engineered complexity in our lives now that we have to contend with, so all the "normal life" components, are experienced in what is da far more complex (and largely unnecessary) ecosystem of experience. Whereas a hundred-plus years ago, life was more basic, more tactile, more practical. Most of what we did, we did to survive and provide for our families. Now however, is that the case? Is most of our time spent on survival?
Perhaps.
However, I think that what we consider our "life" is no longer just the parts that require food and water, company and expression. Instead, I think a lot of what we are trying to keep alive is our sense of self, our ego. And to do that, we are often spending our time on things that might not have very much practical value. It is not that everything we do should deliver a practical outcome, but maybe we should consider how much time we spend not doing anything practical and whether it is worth it.
Think about how much we sit around now, or how much time we spend passively consuming content, or the amount of time, energy, money and whatnot goes toward feeling entertained, or to take up time, without giving much in return. And all of these things cause some amount of stress also, where earning to survive is lower on the hierarchy than earning to be entertained. Many aren't going to work to secure their family future, or even their own, they are doing it so they can spend on something that takes up their time, without return.
And I think that this is one of the big reasons that so many people are choosing not to have families, because having a family comes with responsibility and need to provide, which is just another hurdle that gets in the way of keeping the ego alive through entertainment and distraction. And when there is so much complexity and effort needed just for an individual to feel like they are surviving, those bigger, natural parts of life we used to have, might become psychologically overwhelming.
Better to avoid them altogether?
I don't know about that. I think that over the last couple decades the word "trauma" has increased massively. In fact, in the last ten years alone web searches for "trauma" have tripled. However, while I think that trauma exists on a spectrum, due to our experience, we have lowered the bar to what qualifies as a traumatic experience, and what needs to be damaged in the process. For example, losing a baby at 6 months would be physically, emotionally and psychologically traumatic for the majority of people, but what about for the ego?
I think a lot of the experience that people consider traumatic now isn't necessarily physical or mental, but instead a wounded ego that makes them feel like they are attacked and damaged to the point that it makes a strong impact on their emotions. And the self they are protecting from harm is the illusory ego, not them as a person.
We are all traumatised.
But I wonder how much of experience is only considered traumatic because we don't have worse personal comparisons. Maybe if we did, the small issues wouldn't have the same impact on us that they do now. I know at least for me, since having a child and going through various difficult experiences with her and at the same time with myself, a lot of the small problems don't really leave that much of a mark. They still have to be dealt with, but I don't get traumatised by the experience.
I reckon my life is full of traumatic experiences, but maybe there have been so many that they just blur into the realm of "normal life, deal with it" instead. However, it could also be that I am filled with all the scars of these past traumas that I didn't give enough time and energy to, because I was dealing with bigger issues in the moment. I don't know, but I think that we probably all have unresolved issues that affect our behaviour and we will never have enough time or space to deal with them all. So, regardless of all the traumas in our life, we have what is ahead tomorrow, and what we can do about it today.
Life isn't always easy, nor perhaps should it be.
Taraz
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Trauma has a lot of delay in reaction if it makes sense. You might seem ok in the moment and like it does not affect you so much at all, but the processing of that trauma can begin years after it had happened. It does not come out just in behavior either. It happens in the physical body as well. It affects not just the mental, emotional, reactive parts of us but health of our bodies too. Suddenly you can begin to feel like you health is slipping and falling apart but the cause is the unprocessed trauma, stress and anxiety that creates pressure under which everything starts to break.
Yep, I get it and agree. I just think that maybe we are all traumatised, even when there isn't adequate reason for it. Meaning that if we had adequate have relative experience to compare something too, our "worst experience" might not be that bad after all.
I am so deeply sorry for the loss and pain you have described. I am too soft for such moments, like to experience the heartbreak of a stillborn child, and then to go through the birth process, is unimaginable. Life is so unfair. Now I am not eligible to complain anout petty things.
Time may move forward, but trauma often stays frozen in the mind, and no calender can change it.
Or it is completely fair, and it does what it wants, when it wants, to everyone. It definitely doesn't apply random evenly though.
unfortunately despite how much we develop medical treatments and such, the law of the big numbers can't be cheated... someone has to get the bad outcome to keep the stats
same as death with giving birth, it's rare but not impossible, so someone has to die, and that one might by any woman going to
Yep. There is always risk, no matter how certain things become.
One other major reason people do not want to have children and raise a family is the economic and emotional strain it creates.
Can you imagine that society has evolved so negatively that our mental strength is so depleted that we can't carry our own personal burdens talk more of those of others.
People are having a difficult time handling issues in their lives, and it's resulted in lots of emotional and mental strain that they don't ever dream of adding raising a family to the already crushing weight.
It's clear it's not because the situations are markedly tougher than it was in the past with our ancestors, but our emotional and mental resilience has decreased as a species.
I hear this from people who are travelling the world on holidays too. I get what you are saying, but it doesn't always add up as people think it does.
I think this is the case. We have mostly been coddled and sheltered, because it was easier for all involved. Easier, made us weaker, just like not shifting weight won't build muscle.
This is a touching look at the complicated nature of life and trauma. I think losing a child is something no one can truly comprehend, and it is sad to consider the long-term effects it has on families.
Personally, I don't think there would be much reason to live longer, if I lost my child.
if there is a god/ creator(I don't believe so and hope that I am right) it made some quite crazy decisions while creating us. hair in wrong places like nose, ears...one gender bleeding, having ability to get stillborn...And then of course there is
pinnaclerock bottom of our species- orange man and his best friends...What I find even stranger is that some christians see almost everything as their fault and not god's fault. My mother said that she had miscarriage many years ago. She spoke about this to priest. As if miscarriage was her sin and not a god's fault. I will probably never understand this all that is good if thanks to god and all that is bad is from devil/our sins theory. If god is all knowing and he created devil then everything the devil does is god's fault...
People will pay to get rid of their guilt, and the religions know it.
awwww man, I feel so bad for that lady. losing a child is horrible.. not even knowing that child must be such an empty feeling.
and yea, i would say i live at least 50% of my life to be entertained.
Yeah, definitely going to be difficult for them for a while.
What does it pay? :D
hahaha.. it pays in hours entertained.. and i suppose it keeps me from spending money, gambling, drinking, or doing other stuff that could be bad.
Ugh, that is horrible, I am sorry to hear that. My sister in law had a couple miscarriages and I know those were really hard on her, so I can't even imagine this situation.
Yeah, I can't imagine either. I know the pain from miscarriage well enough though.
Loosing a baby like that is terrible. That is real trauma, wounded ego is not trauma it is just something people should be able to get over.
Yes, I 100% agree with you. I think in a lot of things, we are missing perspective.