I'm sort of at breaking point right now.
Long story short: I have always worked my ass off to support myself since I was 16. At one point I used to work 2 jobs, 16 hours a day, and I managed just fine. As most of you know, the rape and subsequent court proceedings pretty much ruined my life. I am slowly building myself up, after 3 long years, but right now, I can barely manage 6 hours a week at my work without having a major breakdown at home. I hate that I'm no longer the person I used to be. That my anxiety and depression take away my ability to function like a normal human being. So, for the first time in my life, I'm reaching out. My anxiety keeps telling me that I'm worthless and no-one will listen, but hey, it's worth a shot.
I'm on the verge of losing my job. They have been supportive of my illness since the day I was attacked, but there are only so many warnings they can give me for taking sick days. Last month, they cut $900 from my wage because of my February sick days, leaving me with practically nothing. I thought I could manage and that I can still survive on what I have. I'm fortunate I live with my dad again and he helps where he can, but I can no longer accept his disability allowance. He needs it. So after weeks and weeks of thinking about this, I opened a Patreon.
My dream has always been to write full time. I CAN'T work outside my home anymore. I've tried for 3 years and almost every day I'm on the verge of tears or breakdowns. I have to spend hours in the morning preparing myself to go to work for a few hours, only to return lost in my bubble of depression, sort of on autopilot mode again. I have never, ever talked about myself like this. I guess I feel ashamed about it when so many others are struggling in our world and am so used to family members telling me they've had it worse. I've now learned to suppress everything. But I know I have an amazing support network here, so I'm doing something that downright terrifies me, in the hope to continue my writing career.
Before my work dismisses me, I want to hand in my resignation. So that I can write full time, bring my readers more stories on a regular basis, I need your support on Patreon. I can't even begin to express how much you'd help me, not only to live my dream but to focus on what I love to do and keep myself sane: write. I'm an artist who craves to turn paper into magic, and all I ask is that you take a look at my Patreon and help to support my passion. There are tons of benefits for patrons who pledge support, including freebies and exclusive book content. Your support would help me continue writing until I make enough off my books to sustain myself.
If you can find it in yourself to help a starving, potentially jobless artist, then please check out my Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/katzesnow
Three hours and nothing. I know that feeling as well as I know the feelings of anxiety, panic attacks, sadness, weeks without end of feeling dark and low. Believe me I have been there. I'm 55 yrs old and still have issues as a result of memories of an abusive father that had his way with me and called it love.
For starters know that there are so many people in the world that have gone through what you are dealing with. You are not alone. Reach out. Get out of your box and go be around people even if it is only to go to the mall and see people being happy.
Second, get help. Go to the damned hospital if you have to, but be warned they may want to stick you in the psyche ward and give you a bunch of serotonin reuptake inhibitors telling you there's a chemical imbalance in your brain. Personally I think they should take their medicine and see how they like it.
Third and probably most important is to pray. Pray to Jesus Christ the creator and ask for the Holy Spirit of God to comfort you. I know it may sound corny or bent or like a crock of shit even but God is. ... Find a church and go. Find a church that has the spirit moving in it not one with a bunch of statues and dead relics full of dogma and condemnation. God is love, real love, and has a plan for you to be joyful.
It took me a good number of years to find forgiveness in my heart for the things my father did to me. He raped me, beat me, humiliated me in public, beat me with a switch one day until I was bleeding in front of all the neighbors.
For just as many years I was angry at God for allowing that to happen to me. Today I realize the depth of God's love for me and for you. Somehow, I call it true magic, but somehow I now empathize with Jesus suffering on the cross, and delight in that suffering to know He did it for me, for you, for all. Don't let despair rule your life. Find the joy of the Lord and share that story as well. Know that Jesus suffering was not in vane, that He conquered death, and tho He not be here now has left us with the Holy Spirit to provide us strength and courage and a beacon of light to help us find our way out of the darkness. Draw near to that light and you'll find you are royalty and heir to God's resurrection power.
Last but not least and just as important as my preaching. Get yourself in to see a good therapist, one that will help you find some skills to cope effectively in a world gone mad.
Praying for you.. Hope some of my words provide some solice.
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