Lately, I've been going a lot with the flow, letting things be, accepting the decisions I've made, and releasing expectations as much as possible. I gotta say it's not that bad.
I haven't slept in the forest shelter for a good while. We go with @choli to spend the night over at my mother's and also over at her parent's house. It's not that we've given up on our ideals to live in harmony with the land, but we're just not being harsh on ourselves in the process of it. We're still building, and once we have a better insulated and more comfortable place to sleep in, we will move back to the forest to dedicate more time to this process of sustainable homesteading.
Living alone in the forest shelter was good process for me. I needed it. There, I found out how resilient I was, as well as how much noise was in my head. There's still lots of noise, but I've learned to know it, it's lost a lot of power over me because it can't act from the shadows without me noticing it.
I found out about this noise because despite sometimes finding myself with a perfect day, where nothing was amiss, where everything surrounding me was peaceful, my mind was still at war. Instead of appreciating my surroundings, the sounds, the abundance, I would obsess myself with fears, remorse, and thoughts about the cruel society that happened out there.
There was a lot of resistance from me to get out of there. When I started interacting with more people I would get the sensation that I was wasting my time, that it was happening as a sort of punishment for getting distracted from my path as a person who would become one-with-Nature. But lately I've been realizing that it's not so, that it has to do more with understanding community and valuing the diversity of it, than straying from a "true" path.
The spectrum of possibilities in the world is infinite, so it's expected that this is the same for the way humans can think, create, appreciate, and interact with all that exists. From this perspective, I can't pretend to know what life is really about, or which is the best path to take for a fulfilling life. The only thing that seems kind of certain, and I say kind of because sometimes it doesn't seem to be, is that what you give is what you get. The tricky part is to actually be fully conscious of what you give.
For example, while living in the forest I wasn't very willing to give much to anyone. Not that I didn't want to, but I wanted to get to the point where if I was going to give anything, it would be a product of my efforts there. However, there was something that felt empty and extremely materialistic about that. Because a part of me knew that the most valuable thing you can give is presence and appreciation. It's so valuable that a prize tag can't even be put around it.
Today I'm thinking very positively about these things, but it hasn't been that way all the time. I've struggled a lot with all this. My brother is also crashing at my mother's place and I find it hard to get along with him. His ways defy almost everything I consider to be positive, and some of his attitudes tend to drive me into anger. A few days ago I finally could not hold back my rage and said some ugly shit. But it made me feel worse, it wasn't liberating at all to blow up like that, so this tells me there's a lot to work on myself regarding these situations.
Yet, I'm not worrying much. Maybe I've just accepted how human I am. That I'm not a programmed device that will always have logical, rational, win-win solutions for everything. That all my "truths" can be questioned, and that in the end, I could be wrong about everything. And just as well, I could be right about everything, in which case all will be put to the test of perseverance, consistent action, and devotion to what I hold sacred. But I have to sleep. I have to play. I have to let go of perfection to fully enjoy the show. It's just the way it is right now. Things can change at any moment, so I might as well be grateful. Cheers.
This must have been one of the clearest write ups of you that I've ever set my eyes on. Sharing lessons ( in writing ) is also a form of giving but I get where you're coming from. It seems like all of this was needed to get you where you are now ( as, some would say, is always the case. It's our choice whether to learn ( and level up ) or not.
Abraço
Thanks for the ups on the writeup, and I hadn't considered this much as a way of giving but if someone can get something out of it, then that makes me very contento. Abrazo 👽
Thanks for sharing your personal journey. Seems like you have and that you are still going through something deep. I celebrate you for having such great self-awareness and hope that you are enjoying the journey 🙂
It's always deep I think. Thank you for your celebration 😁
It must be hard being in your head - I thought I was an overthinker! Glad to hear you've found some kind of flow. Much love as always in your human experience and journey toward being with all that is.
Why do you think it's harder in my head than yours? I feel you read this the wrong way, but thanks for the love, wishing you the same
I don't know. Maybe because the only posts I read of yours are the worries and struggles you have - and dont take that the wrong way either, love you! So I figure it must be harder. I suppose there must be a whole other side to you that isn't on the blockchain xx
Well, can't control which ones you read and which ones you don't 😁
Oh you aren't mad at me are you? Now I'm going to set alerts to make sure I catch them all. Maybe it's a coicidence I am mostly catching the ones where you are struggling with something. I do enjoy everything you write, @fenngen !
Hehehe I was mad to be honest, a lot during the morning couldn't stop thinking about it. But I've let go of it and learned a few things in the process so thanks for that 😊