It appeared in my life as a meteorite crashing on my planet. I tell you about our meeting to tell you that YES it exists, YES it is possible!
Calm before the storm.
Before him, we have to go backwards. Stories, lots of them. Intense, passionate, brief, false, chaotic, boring, boring, toxic. The first Love, followed by a death in the soul for years. Years.
Just before him, I spent a year and a half alone, pushing away any man trying to approach me. It was the simplest, the most liberating, the most emotionally serene year. I was happy, I swam in a relational fullness, accomplished by my travels, nourished by my friends, carried by my projects of professional and personal realization.
Appointments of life, gambling.
He came out of nowhere. A contact brought us together on Facebook because we had Quebec in common. We talked, initially disinterested. Then there was a conversation, a click, his way of looking at the life that intrigued me.
I welcomed him to Quebec as I would have liked them to do for me. We spent a day rebuilding the world, getting to know each other, walking around Quebec City.
I met him like anyone else. That day, I didn't take the time to be presentable or enjoyable to look at. Dirty hair, disparate outfit. In fact, our 7 years apart - in a way that does not facilitate mutual attraction - have naturally put a barrier between him and me.
Except my body decided otherwise.
He has this way of blinking his eyes by making his long eyelashes beat like two butterfly wings twirling in the air. His very Mediterranean attitude, his gestures, his dancing hands to express himself, his way of speaking to others. His smile, his dimples, his sparkling eyes. The openness of his mind, the depth of his heart, the courage of his soul in the face of life's trials. His decisions are counterintuitive, his willingness to find one, to make sense.
My body vibrates as much as my mind forbids me. My two polarities, passion and reason, attract, graze, fight, and repel each other like two huge magnets. Power.
Invasive emotions suppressed by moralizing thoughts:
You're pathetic, it's just impossible! Can you hear me? IMPOSSIBLE! ».
I fought with all my strength. I was out of breath.
We dared to tell each other the real things.
He tried everything for the whole thing:"Right now, I really want to kiss you", his look stuck in mine. This sentence breaks the tension and silence that has reigned between us for the past few days.
I expected anything but that. He was a kid to me, and yet now I'm the one who's capsizing. I only managed to laugh foolishly while stuttering, to hide my scarlet face in my sweaty hands. I gave him that inner struggle that had been going on inside me for three days. I told him everything, without a filter, without thinking. My speech made no sense, my neurons were no longer connected.
He was there on the couch, sitting in a suit, listening to me. Able to receive my contradictions, my nonsense, my fears, my rejection that sometimes seemed violent and unjust. He was in this unconditional welcome of what is, no matter the form, the moment. An hour has passed.
He could have laughed at me. He could have left. He could have acted like a kid, which I was pushing him to do by pushing him away. He stayed. Calm, serene, attentive, understanding. I was stunned.
I played scaring him. As a final reply, in order to expose my reality and show her that she is probably quite different from hers, I threw her the sentence that was supposed to drive him away once and for all:
"You know in a few short years, I'm gonna want to have kids, and you'll still be young."
"Yes, and?" My prediction of programmed failure falls through, I'm unarmed. He has opened a breach in which he has found his place for the days to come. I was suspicious. It took me days to talk about it shyly around me. It took me weeks to really deal with it.
And one day, I let go.
I let myself be carried, charmed, transported. Dazzled by the man he is and the man he is becoming at sight. I've never met anyone like him before.
Our silences are light and don't care about the weather. Our eyes meet, tell each other stories. Sometimes we just talk to hear the vibrations of our dancing voices. And when our skins touch each other, it seems to me that the Universe takes shape between our two bodies.
I know him from yesterday and today.
It seems to me we've been together for so long. I can feel it. I know that's not true. It is simple. It's all coming out of nowhere. Yet we are different. Yet we do not agree on everything. Yet
Your writing brought me back to some beautiful memories of my own. Thank you so much for sharing this story @annamaria33. Do you write books? Because you are a captivating writer! Please write more!
Would love to hear your thoughts regarding my recent post about seeing the "bad" things in our life as empowering gifts: Will You Open Your Gifts In Strange Wrapping Paper?